Matthew: So, I was thinking... if you're not doing anything on the evening of the 26th... It would be my most sincere honor to escort you, Trisha Cappelletti, to the Overland Park High School Prom.
Trisha: Oh—oh—oh yes! Oh dad, you were wrong! Oh my God!
(Trisha walks away and over to Brittnay)
Trisha: Brittnay! Brittnay!
Brittnay: God, Trisha! What?
Trisha: M—Matthew Derringer just asked me to the prom? Wait, my dress doesn't match with black.
Brittnay: Well, what did you say to him?
Trisha: Uh, I, uh, I completely forgot to answer.
(Trisha walks back over to Matthew)
Trisha: Yes! My answer is totally yes!
Matthew: Well then, I await the evening of the twenty-sixth with baited breath. While I wait, though, how about you put your tongue inside of my mouth for a little bit?
Trisha: Uh, uh, with pleasure.
(Trisha and Matthew make out)
(Brittnay walks off)
(Matthew and Trisha stop making out)
Matthew: Jealousy. Now that's what's really gross.
(Mackenzie walks over to Trisha and Brittnay)
Mackenzie: You guys are not gonna believe how Steven Carmichael asked me to prom today!
Trisha: Um... did he tape a giant red heart to your locker with the words "Prom" and "Question Mark" written in the middle.
Mackenzie: (gasps) How did you know?
Brittnay: Because the fucking heart is still taped to your locker.
Mackenzie: Oh, I guess it is. Britt, who asked you to prom?
Brittnay: Actually, it's kind of a long story.
(A flashback is shown of Saison and Blaine making out)
(Saison and Blaine stop making out)
Blaine: Oh, Saison! I wanted to know, do you want to go to prom with me?
Saison: Oh Blaine, how do you say, "oui".
(Brittnay pounds her head against the lockers)
Brittnay: Oh, hello Brittnay. Is everything, uh, bon?
Brittnay: Ugh, it's just fine, Saison. I was just trying to put myself into a coma so I wouldn't have to listen to the two of you dipshits try to talk and breathe at the same time.
Blaine: Actually, Saison can use her mouth and breathe at the same time. She showed me last night.
Saison: Yes, perhaps it is a skill you should learn, Brittnay. That way you won't have to rely on the chafing nightmare that you call a, how do you say, handjob.
Blaine: Yep, that's exactly how you say handjob.
Brittnay: Fucking Connor Devarnan!
Brittnay: Where the fuck have you been?
Brittnay: Well, have you been going around school telling people that I give second rate handjobs?
Brittnay: Are you gonna stop?
Brittnay: Will you go to prom with me?
(Connor walks away)
Brittnay: God dammit.
(Mackenzie and Brittnay are seen back in the present)
Mackenzie: Well, that's a fulfilling story. Where the hell is Deandra? I told her to meet us here.
Brittnay: I'm telling you, I don't trust that bitch.
Trisha: Um, Brittnay, you don't trust anybody.
Brittnay: Yeah, with good reason! The last girl we trusted was Taylor McDevitt.
Mackenzie: Oh Jesus.
Brittnay: We're supposed to be having a fun day at the Overland Park community center pool, and as soon as I turn my back, Taylor's playing hide the finger with my fucking boyfriend in the lazy river.
Trisha: I could totally go for a swim right now.
Brittnay: Hell, for all we know, that bitch Deandra could be hanging out in the girls bathroom braiding Saison Margeurite's fucking hair.
(Deandra is shown in the bathroom braiding Saison's hair)
Deandra: God, your hair is like, super thick.
Saison: Oui, I have grown it since I was a little girl growing in a chateau.
Shay: Deandra, we need to strategize. The cheerleaders have to be planning something. There's no way they're not going to retaliate after that shit parade we gave them last week.
Deandra: Do you guys ever talk about anything other than, like, revenge? I just saw this video of a kid online who could light up a lightbulb by sticking it in his mouth. I mean, what's going on there, right?
Nubbins: (over PA) Your attention please.
Deandra: And don't get me started on Pakistan. Ahmedinijad, am I right?
Shay: Shh! Shut up!
Nubbins: (over PA) It's time for the announcements. Okay, whoever thought it would be a funny idea to throw my bicycle on the roof, (chuckling) that is my only way to get home. So if you could please return it, it would be much appreciated. And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, I know I'm excited, my nipples are hard. The finalists for Overland Park Prom Queen 2012!
Mackenzie: Oh yes! Oh fuck yes! Who is else is wet in here?
Nubbins: (over PA) Finalist number one: Mackenzie Zales!
Mackenzie: Oh god that's sweet! Now, time to find out what unlucky twats are gonna have to suck on my dickhole at prom.
Nubbins: (over PA) Finalist number two: Brittnay Matthews!
Mackenzie: What the fuck?
Brittnay: Oh shit.
Mackenzie: What the fuck do you think you're trying to pull here, Matthews?
Brittnay: I'm not trying to pull anything, ok? Somebody must've nominated me. Not that I blame them though, I mean, look at me.
Mackenzie: What fucking idiot would nominate you?
Trisha: Oh, um, me.
Trisha: Well, I think you really are a good friend, and you totally deserve it.
Brittnay: Wow Trisha. That's really nice. Thank you.
Mackenzie: Yeah, Trisha. Thank you. Thank you for fucking up my entire life.
Trisha: No, I just—
Mackenzie: Do you hate me, Trisha? Is that why you just buttfucked my prom campaign?
Trisa: No, I was trying to-
Mackenzie: Why don't we just call you Ross Perot, would you like that?
Trisha: Is that the ninth grader? Because I only made out with him once, and his mom was like right next to us.
Mackenzie: You just split the cheerleader voting block and handed the crown to Shay Van Buren, you idiot!
Nubbins: (over PA) Finalist number three: Amberlynn Weggers!
(Amberlynn and her friends are shown cheering)
Trisha: Wow, good for Amberlynn.
Mackenzie: Yeah, she definitely deserves it.
Deandra: Who the fuck is Amberlynn Weggers?
Shay: Deandra, there's three thousand people at this school, and you've been here for like, two weeks. You're not gonna know everybody.
Deandra: Oh. Right.
Nubbins: (over PA) And now, for our last finalist...
Mackenzie: Oh yes it's time. Time for Shay Van Buren's life to get fucked in the asshole! Is everything ready?
Nubbins: (over PA) The last finalist is... Gay Van Buren!
(people are heard laughing outside, calling her "bitch" and "gay")
Deandra: I thought your name was Shay Van Buren.
Shay: It is fucking Shay Van Buren!
Deandra: Well then why did he just say—
Shay: My life is over!
Deandra: It's not that bad.
Shay: Are you nuts? Do you know what this means?
Mackenzie: This means, that from now on, Shay Van Buren will always be called Gay Van Buren! Her life in Overland Park is ruined!
Shay: I'm gonna have to move to another state! I'm gonna end up working at Fosters Freeze in fucking Higginsville.
Mackenzie: And one day, someone will walk up to order an oreo twister, and they will say, "Oh, I remember you, you're—"
Shay: Gay Van Buren!
Deandra: Hey, it's really not that big of a deal, Shay. It's just prom. Like nobody even cares about prom. I don't give two shits about prom. Fuck prom, that's what I say.
Nubbins: (over PA) Your attention please. There was a popup window on my internet browser which is obscuring the final name on my list. The final finalist for the Prom Queen is Deandra the New Girl.
Deandra: (screaming) I'm gonna be the prom queen! I'm gonna be the prom queen! Suck my dick! Suck my dick! Suck my dick! I did it! I did it!!!!!!! (more screaming as she leaves the bathroom)
Shay: Well, Saison Margeurite, I guess we better go out there and face whatever my life has become.
(Saison and Shay go into the hallway)
Saison: Maybe it's not so bad. Maybe no one noticed.
Shay: You really think so?
Justin: Hey Gay.
Blaine: Hi Gay.
Tanner: Hey Gay.
Shay: That's not my name!
Than: Welcome to my world! (quietly as he walks off) Heh, gay, heh.