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Episode 16/Transcript

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Ep16
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 16. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 15 Next: Episode 17

(Blaine, Matthew, Tanner, and Justin are hanging out in the locker room)
Blaine: And so then I told him, "Well, Coach, I guess in the end, it was me who really respected you."
Matthew: Wow, I certainly did not see that story ending up like that!
(Everyone laughs)
Blaine: You know guys, I think it's times like these that I'm going to miss most of all.
Justin: Wait, what?
Blaine: Yeah, today was my last practice you guys.
Tanner: What, why?
Blaine: Oh, Tanner, did you not hear. Starting next week, I'm going to be somebody's father. Specifically, my son's father. And from what I hear, that's at least a three hour-a-week job!
Tanner: Oh, Blaine, you beautiful idiot. Saison literally found out she was pregnant yesterday. You're not gonna be a father for like another nine months.
Blaine: Nine months? That's like two years!
Matthew: Not even close.
Justin: Blaine, as your friends, we support you.
Matthew: But realistically, we are all very much in fear for the safety of your unborn son, and/or daughter.
Blaine: Yeah me, too.
Justin: You know, man, there's a lot of responsibility if you're going to be a father. (starts getting emotional) I mean, if you're going to be a good father.
Blaine: Eh, Doesn't seem that hard. Eating, drooling, pooping. I love all those things!
Matthew: Blaine, I have an object lesson for you. Now imagine that this football is your baby. I want you to—(Blaine throws the football)—Goddammit! (Matthew goes after the football)
Tanner: Blaine, have you given any consideration to adoption?
Blaine: Why would I want to adopt a kid? I'm already gonna have one in, um, wait, how long was it again?
Matthew: Nine months, my friend. Nine months.
Tanner: Blaine, serious talk right now, having a child is a huge responsibility.
Justin: Yeah! Unless of course you move to Pittsburgh with your receptionist on your son's fourth birthday. Then your responsibility only involves sending a birthday card and renewing a Gamefly membership.
Matthew: Justin, I know you got your own issues, but we've literally spent the last three weeks talking exclusively about that. Can we spend a few minutes helping Blaine out right now?
Justin: Okay. You're right. You're right.
Matthew: Now that's being a team player. Good for you Justin.
Justin: Thanks.
Matthew: Alright, Blaine, I'm gonna give you another football—
Blaine: Thanks! (Blaine throws the football)
Matthew: —And there it goes. (Matthew goes after the football)
Tanner: Blaine! Settle down. We're going to give you this football. But before we do, I want you to listen very carefully.
Matthew: Hold on to the football. Hold on to it. Hold on to it as if were your own son. Nurture it. Care for it—
Justin: —Don't move to Pittsburgh with its receptionist.
Matthew: Yes. Yes. Also that, Justin, yes. But above all, do not drop it. Ever. Do you understand?
Blaine: Are you saying... that I should treat the football... as if it was my own baby?
Tanner: Wow, that is literally the only thing we've been saying.
Blaine: Aw, sweet!
(Than walks in)
Than: Well, if it isn't the football team!
Tanner: Yes, Jonathan, that's exactly what we are.
Than: Did you, did you see what I did there? I put the emphasis on ball!
Justin: Yeah we got it.
Blaine: Whereas it usually it goes on foot, so...
Matthew: Yeah, no we understand what you were trying to do. We just do not appreciate it.
Blaine: Yeah, I know... so, uh, what are you guys doing in here? A bunch of gay stuff?
Tanner: What does that even mean?
Blaine: Oh you know.
Tanner: Yeah, I do. Do you?
Blaine: Hell yeah I do. What, you want me to show you? Or do you want to show me?
Tanner: Show you what?
Blaine: Oh you know!
Tanner: Than, is this your weird ass way of asking me out?
Blaine: What? The only thing I'm asking you out for is to step outside. So I can pound your ass!
Matthew: Alright, Jonathan, now listen—(football flies past)—Was that the goddamn baby? Can we lock this shit down for one minute?
Blaine: Sorry!
Matthew: Well let's not give it to him if he's just going to throw it again, we've got to figure that out first. Alright Jonathan, let me break this down for you. I don't know if you realize that a lot of the things you say often sound like homosexual acts. For example, you just asked Tanner to go outside so you can pound him in the ass. Do you see how that can be misconstrued?
Than: I meant pound his ass with my fist!
Tanner: Whoa, still very gay.
Than: Oh, blow me! Please. Please?
Matthew: There you go, see right there, that's another example.
Than: Fine, I'm the asshole. Just fuck me, alright! Fuck me, I'm the asshole! Just fuck me in the asshole.
Matthew: You see that's not even a double entendre. Uh, how can he not see this? That's just you openly inviting someone to fuck you in the asshole.
Than: Is it?
Tanner: Yes it is.
Matthew: That is exactly what it is, yes.
Than: I don't even know what you guys are talking about. I love the women. I have sex with girl parts all the time!
Blaine: So do I!
Matthew: Blaine, not really something you should be bragging about right now. Remember the football?
Blaine: What football?
Matthew: Oh my good god lord.
Justin: Don't you ruin that kid's life. Don't you ruin it!
Than: You guys don't even know! I've had sex with like twelve or two women! I could go have sex with a woman right now if I felt like it.
Tanner: Please do. Please go do anything other than be here.
Than: Fine, that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna go have sex with a girl right now. Besides, if I stayed here, you guys are probably just gonna like get naked and measure dicks or something, right?
Matthew: We're not going to do that, Jonathan.
Than: Fine, great, good, watch out women cause Than's had an erection for the last ten minutes!
(Matthew, Blaine, and Tanner walk off)
Matthew: My ears will never be clean.
Blaine: I noticed.
Justin: (holding the football) I'm always going to be there for you, little guy. I'm never going to drop you. I'm going to wipe you off, I'm going to clean you, and I'm going to let you sleep with me in my bed. I love you.
(Than is walking down the hallway)
Than: Hey bitchy girl!
Brittnay: What?
Than: What, right? What indeed. So, you're, a, uh, a cheerleader right?
Brittnay: What was your first clue?
Than: Uh, your outfit.
Brittnay: I was being sarcastic, douche.
Than: Uh, yeah, I know douche-er... than me. So we gonna do this?
Brittnay: Do what?
Than: Uh, sex.
Brittnay: Gross. What the fuck makes you think that I want to have sex with you?
Than: Whoa, what the fuck makes you think I want to have sex with you?
Brittnay: Uh, you just asked me. Besides, every guy in school wants to have sex with me.
Than: Every guy in the school wants to have sex with me.
Brittnay: I find that hard to believe.
Than: So do they. So, you want to see me put a condom on with my mouth?
Brittnay: Gross. Listen, I don't know what you've heard, but I don't just go around having sex with every guy.
Than: I don't know what you've heard, but I don't just go around having sex with any girl...s ever.
Brittnay: Wait, are you're saying you don't want to have sex with me? Because I am very attracted to mixed messages.
Than: Are you?
Brittnay: So, are you or are you not saying that you want to have sex with me?
Than: I'm not saying anything. I'm just sayin'.
Brittnay: Come here! No one tells me they don't want to fuck me without fucking me!
Than: Fun fact, I can ride a unicycle without a seat.
Brittnay: Okay, but just so you know, I only let boys fuck me in my buttonhole, alright?
Than: That is not a problem!
Brittnay: Just wait until Blaine hears about this.
Than: Oh yeah, I'll be thinking about Blaine this whole time.

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