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Episode 17/Transcript

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Ep17
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 17. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 16 Next: Episode 18

(Mikayla is trying to reach something in a cabinet)
Mikayla: Eh! Eh! Eh! Mom! Mom! Mommy!
Jayna: What is it Mikayla? Mommy's busy with her Adderall and Zinfandel. Zinferall... Adderdel... Zinafa... Zan can...
Mikayla: Mom! I can't reach the Gushers!
Jayna: Mikayla, you already had a pack of Gushers this afternoon.
Mikayla: Yeah. What's your fucking point?
Shay: (enters) Jesus Mikayla, shut the fuck up. I ate the last bag of Gushers while you were taking your afternoon bath, you dirtball.
Mikayla: Oh, well, in that case, Shay, I suggest you sleep with one eye open.
Jayna: Mikayla, what does Mommy say about making threats we know we can't keep?
Mikayla: Oh, no Mommy, I will keep it.
Jayna: You heard her, Shay. One eye open.
Cameron: (enters) Hiye!
Jayna: Hiye!
Shay: Hiye!
Mikyla: Hiye!
Shay: Nice of you to show up, Cameron.
Cameron: Save it Shay, I just had to break up with my twenty-nine year old boyfriend today, ok?
Jayna: Oh no sweetie, why?
Cameron: Because I got a brand new thirty-one year old boyfriend! Suck it bitches! Yeah, my new boyfriend is so much more mature. My old boyfriend was always like, "Oh, I just got divorced, why'd you give me herpes?" And my new boyfriend is all like, "Fuck my ex-wife, I already had herpes and I don't even care."
Jayna: Shay, sweetie, when is your little friend coming over?
Cameron: Oh great, do we get to entertain another one of Shay's "investigate my vagina" boys.
Mikyla: Seriously, Shay, just commit to the dick.
Shay: Uh, no, actually, I invited Deandra to dinner.
(Everyone gasps)
Jayna: Why am I gasping? I already knew that.
Shay: Ugh, Mom are you talking to yourself again?
Jayna: Girls night!
Cameron: Shay, why would we invite Deandra over? Isn't she just a little pissed off that, you know, that we ripped her arms off?
Jayna: (gasps) Um, nope, definitely knew that one too.
Shay: Cameron, she said doesn't care about that anymore. She has new arms now.
Deandra: (knocks) (offscreen) Sorry. Wrong arm.
Jayna: Come in.
Cameron, Shay, Mikayla and Jayna: Hiye!
Deandra: Sup.
Jayna: Deandra! I love what you've done with your nubs!
Deandra: Thanks, don't scuff it up. My dad's still making payments. Hey Shay.
Shay: What?
Mikayla: Hi Deandra!
Deandra: Hello Gizmo.
Cemaron: So Deandra, have you heard the big news that everyone's talking about? I have a new boyfriend! Yo tengo un nuevo hombre.
Deandra: Oh sorry, I must've missed that one. You know I've been kind of busy getting my arms reattached. Remember, the ones that you ripped out of their sockets!
Cameron: Is it gonna be like this all night?
Deandra: I'm sorry, I just needed to get that off of my chest... Similar to the way that you ripped my arms off of my chest. That was the last one.
Cameron: Alright fine.
Jayna: Oh no, Mommy's glass is empty. Time for you girls to make a zinfandel run.
Shay: Mom, none of us are twenty-one. You have to go get it yourself.
Jayna: Shay, mommy can't drive right now. Because of the baby. Yes, the baby.
Shay: No, mommy can't drive because Officer Midnight Visits took her license away.
Jayna: His name is Rick. Rick Midnight Visits.
Shay: Ugh, c'mon Deandra, let's go.
Deandra: Oh, is that something we're going to do after we eat?
Cameron: Trust me, the last thing we need before a meal is my mother sobering up. The last time, she made us pray.
Jayna: Biye!
Cameron, Mikayla, and Shay: Biye...
(Outside a convenience store)
Shay: Alright, you three stay out here. I've got a plan.
(Shay enters and brings a bottle to the cashier)
Shay: Just this for today.
Blake: I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Shay: Nevermind. (walks back outside)
Cameron: I thought you said had a plan.
Shay: I did. Go inside. Buy the zinfandel. Then leave.
Cameron: Oh you're right, Shay. I guess the only part of your plan that didn't work was the whole goddamn thing!
Deandra: Oh well, guess we failed. We should probably go eat an entire meal and reorganize.
Cameron: Deandra, we're not going anywhere. I should've done this myself from the start. If there's one thing that I've learned in college, it's how to get alcohol from boys.
(Cameron enters the store and brings a bottle to the cashier)
Cameron: Oh, hi, nice vest! Just the zinfandel for today.
Blake: Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Cameron: Oh, of course. (Cameron lowers the top of her dress, exposing her breasts) Oh look, golden girls fell out! Anything else?
Blake: Uh, you don't remember me do you, Cameron?
Cameron: Um, no, I don't remember most people.
Blake: Blake Jensen.
Cameron: Um, nope.
Blake: I was starting quarterback our senior year.
Cameron: Blake with a B... you threw a ball?
Blake: Um, yeah, we were on prom court together...
Cameron: I remember prom. I was prom queen!
Blake: We dated for two years.
Cameron: Dated, monogamously? I definitely don't remember you.
Blake: Then you dumped me for a twenty-nine year old after graduation.
Cameron: Oh, right. Blake! You look so good!
Blake: No, I don't.
Cameron: Dammit!
Blake: And you're not twenty-one.
Cameron: Goddammit!
(Cameron exits outside)
Shay: Well, what happened, Cameron? The saggy sisters didn't get us any booze?
Cameron: Oh that's so cute, my little sister made a funny joke. Shut the fuck up. The ghost of Christmas past wouldn't sell me anything.
Deandra: Awesome! Can we go eat now?
Mikayla: Don't worry. I've got this!
(Mikayla places a bottle on the cashier's table while being unseen)
Blake: Hello? (pause) Yeah, I'm gonna need to see some ID.
Mikayla: Goddammit!
(Mikayla exits outside)
Mikayla: Nothing.
Shay: Oh well, there's a Quik Trip about three miles down. Maybe we can pay a homeless man to buy us some zinfandel.
Deandra: I'm sorry, but I was invited here for dinner, not some Indiana Jones zinfandel hunt. I could be at the torta bar at Jose's Peppers right now but instead I'm here with you three think-for-yourselfers. Now step aside, if it's a bottle of zinfandel that stands between me and several helpings of chicken fried prime rib, then a bottle of zinfandel you shall have.
Cameron: What the fuck is chicken fried prime rib? (walks off)
Shay: I don't know, but Mom definitely doesn't know how to make anything except corn dogs.
Cameron: For sure.
Blake: Hi, can I see your—
(Deandra grabs and holds Blake by her robotic arm)
Deandra: Listen, I am buying this bottle of wine. Now you can sell it to me or I can sell your organs on the black market! So far tonight, your little power trip has cost me twenty-five minutes that I could've spent eating a delicious chicken fried prime rib dinner! So, while I hold your fragile little life in my stainless steel fingertips, I ask you cashier, do you need my ID? Do you?
Blake: No, we're good.
Deandra: Great. I'm also going to take these Funyuns. And a Slim Jim. And a Twix. No, Snickers. No, Twix. No, I don't want to ruin my appetite... both.
(back outside)
Shay: Jesus, Deandra, what did you get?
Deandra: Justice. And a Slim Jim.

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