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Episode 18/Transcript

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Ep18
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 18. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 17 Next: Episode 19

Mackenzie: Alo-what?
Doctor: Alopecia.
Mackenzie: What the fuck is that?
Doctor: Well it's a disorder in which a person's hair—You know what, you don't have it, so there's really no reason for us to try to explain it to you.
Mackenzie: Okay, so, if it's not that, then why the fuck do I look like a young Jeremy Piven?
Doctor: Well, looking at your chart I would have to say you're probably suffering from a case of FPB.
Mackenzie: Well, I mean, I always use a condom, well unless I'm in a pool 'cuz everybody knows you can't get pregnant in water!
Doctor: First of all, that's not in the least bit accurate. Secondly, FPB is not a sexually transmitted disease. It's "Female Pattern Baldness".
Mackenzie: What. The. Fuck!
Doctor: Alright, I would appreciate it—
Mackenzie: I can't be going bald in high school! I mean, Jesus Christ, why don't you just tell me I'm poor?
Doctor: Okay, this isn't the end of the world. This is very much a reversible condition.
Mackenzie: Okay, what are we talking about here. Pill? Shot? Shot in the butt? Pill in the butt? Talk to me, doc.
Doctor: Okay, well we're definitely not going to put anything in your butt.
Mackenzie: (laughs) Well that's the first time I've ever heard a man say that.
Doctor: Right... As I was saying, the number one thing we need to concern ourselves with is managing stress. Do you often find yourself in a stressful environment?
Mackenzie: I'm seventeen and attractive. What the fuck do I have to be stressed about?
(A flashback is shown of Mackenzie around Christmas time)
Mackenzie: A Nook, grandma? I asked for an iPad and you buy me a fucking Nook? I wanted to play Angry Birds, not read Withering fucking Heights!
(A flashback to episode 13 is shown)
Mackenzie: Do you know who the fuck you're talking to? I am Mackenzie Zales, head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part-time motherfucking model. So open the goddamn envelope, and give me the crown that is rightfully mine.
(Another flashback is shown, this time at the dry cleaners)
Mackenzie: You specifically told me that you could get out semen and blood. What the fuck do you call this?
(Present)
Mackenzie: ...Okay, maybe a little.
Doctor: Exactly! You see, your stress levels are triggering your hair loss. If you want to keep your hair and hopefully see some of it grow back, you're going to need to maintain your composure at all times, keep your temper to a minimum, learn to relax!
Mackenzie: Relax? I'm sorry doc, but I don't live in a goddamn mentos commercial! I am head cheerleader. Do you have any idea the incredible pressure that—(a chunk of Mackenzie's hair falls out)—Oh my god!
Doctor: Look, Mackenzie, it's not too late. Besides, I'm sure nobody's even noticed yet!
Mackenzie: Oh trust me, everybody has noticed.
Doctor: Well, either way, if you want to keep your hair, you need to control your temper.
(Trisha and Mikayla are seen walking through the mall)
Mikayla: So then I told him either you fix the big wheel, or I'll see your ass in small flames court!
Trisha: (laughs) You burned him. You burned him good.
Mackenzie: (walks over) Hey Trisha.
Trisha: Scatter!
(Mikayla runs off)
Mackenzie: What the fuck was that all about?
Trisha: Um—I—well there was a—
Mackenzie: Where's Brittnay? I clearly said to meet her at fo—
Trisha: Oh, there she is.
(Brittnay walks over with Than)
Brittnay: Hey.
Than: Black-haired girl, dumb one.
Brittnay: (nervous laugh) Go away. We have cheer squad business.
Than: Alright. I'm gonna see how fast I can eat a hot dog on a stick. (Than walks off)
Mackenzie: Wait. Did you just walk in here with Jonathan Getslinhaumer?
Brittnay: You'd be surprised how much we have in common. We both hate the football team, and we love Ryan Gosling.
Mackenzie: Right. We're defintely gonna get back to that but I told you to meet me here for a reason. I—
Brittnay: Oh what the fuck is this shit?
(Taylor walks in)
Taylor: Hey Britt, boo-boo, long time no see.
Trisha: Oh my god. Taylor McDevitt.
Brittnay: I'm sorry, what the fuck do you think you're doing here?
Taylor: Oh, just dropping off some soups for my boyfriend at Joseph A bank. He says hi, by the way.
Mackenzie: Taylor, I wasn't aware that I had lifted your ban from Oak Park Mall after the water park incident?
Trisha: Oh, no you didn't. I would've received paperwork.
Mackenzie: Well, Taylor, it seems to me that you're not a member of the cheer squad. You don't even go to Overland Park anymore. Might I ask what exactly you're doing here at Oak Park Mall?
(Tanya and Trisha 2 walk in)
Tanya: She's with us.
Trisha: Oh my god, Tanya Berkowitz, head cheerleader of the Atchison High Jaguars and (gasps) some other girl.
Mackenzie: Hello Tanya.
Tanya: Mackenzie, Trisha, Brittnay.
Brittnay: Fuck my dick you cunt.
Tanya: Wow, Brittnay. Nice language. Who taught you to speak, sailors? (giggles)
Brittnay: The fuck?
Mackenzie: I'm sorry, Tanya, but you more than anyone should be aware of the laws that govern the malls of the great state of Kansas. Trisha?
Trisha: Every cheer squad is entitled to occupy the immediate area of their specified mall and/or shopping plaza and are barred from entering the mall and/or shopping plaza belonging to any other cheer squad without prior written consent.
Mackenzie: So... Tanya. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave imm—
Tanya: You know, Mackenzie, it's quite the unfortunate series of circumstances. Just last Tuesday, Glen Oaks Shopping Plaza in Atchison tragically burned to the ground. My new co-head-vice captain suggested we make our way to the Oak Park Mall, where we would be welcomed with open arms. I suppose, sadly, she was mistaken.
Brittnay: Listen bitch, you're on Overland Park turf right now. We don't give a fuck what backwards hillbilly burned down your mall.
Trisha 2: Actually, it was a Brookstone combination electric blanket slash back massager.
Trisha: Oh those are so dangerous.
Taylor: Listen, the rules have changed. This is our mall now. Surely you can can't hog a Yardhouse and a Zumies all to yourselves.
Mackenzie: Your mall?
Doctor: (flashback) Remember, you need to control your temper.
Mackenzie: (clears throat) Taylor, I don't think that would be the best idea.
Brittnay: "Not the best idea"? It's a fucking piece of shit ridiculous idea!
Tanya: Oh really, Brittnay? Are we going to have to have a rumble?
Trisha 2: Oooh!
Brittnay: Rumble? No, I don't want a rumble. How about I unlace my shoe, turn it sideways, and stick it up your uterus, you stupid cunt!
Trisha 2: Woah. She sounds like HBO.
Tanya: Okay, how about we propose a little wager? Mackenzie, I'm sure your squad is planning to go to cheer nationals in Daytona Beach?
Trisha 2: Yeah, going to cheer nationals—to lose! (laughs)
Tanya: (giggles) If Overland defeats Atchison at cheer nationals, you'll never hear from us again. We'll go up the two-seventy-three, disband the cheer squad, and we'll be gone forever. If we prove victorious, however, you cede control of your entire mall to us, Yardhouse and all.
Mackenzie: I have to say, I feel conflicted about this agreement.
Brittnay: "Conflicted"? Mackenzie what the fuck is your deal? Tell these cum-hungry demon whores to go fuck themselves with the pointy ends of their grandfathers cocks!
Mackenzie: Brittnay, I'm trying to keep my stress levels down. I'll explain later, but just know that I agree with... pretty much everything you just said.
Trisha 2: Do you ever just get lost in a conversation?
Trisha: Huh?
Trisha 2: Exactly.
Trisha: (laughs) Sorry about your mall.
Trisha 2: Don't be. Our best stores were Sam Goody and a Walden Books. It was for the best.
Trisha: Hmm... Hey, what's your name?
Trisha 2: Trisha.
Trisha: What?
Trisha 2: Trisha.
Trisha: Yes?
Trisha 2: What's your name?
Trisha: Uh, Trisha?
Trisha 2: What?
Trisha: Um, it's Trisha, with a T?
Trisha 2: Yeah.
Trisha: Uh—
Trisha 2: That's how you spell it.
Trisha: Yeah, Trisha?
Trisha 2: Trisha.
Trisha: Yeah, what's your name?
Trisha 2: Nice to meet you, what's your name?
Trisha: Um, Trisha.
Trisha 2: Yes, what do you want out of me?
Trisha: Yeah, Trisha.
Trisha 2: Have you never heard this name before?
Trisha: Um, I'm sorry, I pronounce it Trisha, what about you?
Trisha 2: I pronounce it Trisha, that's what my mom says.
Trisha: Okay.
Mackenzie, Brittnay, Taylor, and Tanya: Trisha!
Trisha and Trisha 2: What? ... Oooooh.
Trisha: Wait, do you spell it with a T?
Trisha 2: Which part?
Trisha: The beginning.
Trisha 2: Every time.
Trisha: Me too.
(Trisha and Trisha 2 laugh)
Tanya: So the stakes are set.
Taylor: We'll see you guys at nationals.
Tanya: Y'all had better... bring it.
Brittnay: Bring it? Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm arguing with the cast of fucking Duck Tales over here. Tell you what, the one thing we'll be bringing is three strap-ons so after we win, you can suck our dicks! Except for you, Taylor. I've heard about your gag reflex.
Taylor: My what? Aw, uh-uh. Hell no, lookie here bitch—
Tanya: Taylor!
Taylor: What?
Tanya: You're at Atchison now, and we hold ourselves to a higher standard. Not like Overland... Bark. (giggles)
Trisha 2: (laughs) You know, like a dog?
Trisha: I get it.
Taylor: We'll see you at nationals, Brittnay, where rest assured, I'll be opening a can of whoopbutt on you! (whispering) And by butt, I mean ass, as the ass I'll be fucking you in, bitch!
Tanya: Come on Taylor. (Taylor and Trisha 2 walk off) Oh and by the way, you would be so lucky to argue with anyone from Duck Tales. Scrooge McDuck is worth four point four billion dollars, he has fragile baby duck bones, and he still manages to dive into a pile of coins every single day. (Tanya walks off)
Brittnay: What the fuck does duck bones have to do with anything? Hey Zales, what the fuck was that shit back there?
Mackenzie: I'll explain later. Right now we just need to practice. Come on. (Trisha, Brittnay, and Mackenzie leave)
Ashley: Psst. Psst. Psst psst psst.
Tanya: Can we help you? Are you lost little boy?
Ashley: Uh, actually, it's more of me helping you. I could be quite the asset to anybody looking to overthrow the Overland Park cheer squad. Especially Trisha.
Trisha 2: What about me?

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