(A montage is shown of various scenes)
Producer: (voice-over) This week on an all new episode of Babes Having Babies! We visit Overland Park, Kansas and meet Saison Margeurite, a young girl with a penchant for unprotected sex, nip slips, and berets. And take a look, it's her best friend, Brittnay Matthews! She's slutty, she enjoys hand jobs, and loves yelling at people. It's all this week on Babes Having Babies.
Saision: (cut-away) Today, for lunch, I had lunch with my two best friends, Brittnay Matthews, and Shay Van Buren.
Saision: Oh Brittnay, are you enjoying your, crepe filled with nutella and whipped cream?
Brittnay: Yes, Saison, thank you so much for picking my lunch out for me, but we should probably get going don't you think?
Shay: Brittnay, sit down and enjoy yourself. Fourth period doesn't start for another twenty-five minutes. Relax, old friend.
Shay: (cut-away) Brittnay Matthews is not my friend. Brittnay Matthews is a monster. If Satan himself crawled out of hell, landed on Earth and vowed to destroy all of humanity with a fiery apocalyptic plague, Brittnay Matthews would f*ck him in the ass with his own pitchfork until he bled out and died. And if that doesn't paint a clear enough picture, I once saw her watch an entire sneezing panda video without cracking a smile once. I will not stop until she is revealed once and for all for being the two-timing potato mouthed whorebag that she is!
Saison: Oh my friends, this has been one of my favorite lunch periods of all times!
Brittnay: I couldn't agree more!
Brittnay: (cut-away) You know, at first I wasn't sure Saison and I would end up becoming best friends, because, well she suffers from clinical denial... which you would think she would get treated for considering that she gets free health care. (whispering) Because she's from Canada. We all humor her delusions of being French because the doctors say that's what's best. You know, sometimes I feel like I'm taking care of her like you would take care of a pet. Like, like a little dog. Yeah, like a little female dog. Which I guess you would call a bitch. So in the context of this metaphor, Saison Margeurite is a total bitch. And Shay, well, there's really no metaphor for her, she just sucks a lot of d*ck.
Brittnay: Okay so, everyone ready to go? Okay let's go!
(Mackenzie and Trisha walk over)
Mackenzie: Uh, Gay Van Buren, what do you think you're doing eating at the center lunch table? Your ban was never lifted! Besides, I always just assumed you poured your food directly into the toilet, just to save yourself a step.
Trisha: Yeah, I thought, um, I thought, um, you usually put your food, um, in your butt, cause, um—
Mackenzie: Trisha, are you like having a stroke? Are—
Trisha: No no no no. You put your food in your butt and then you poop. The—
Mackenzie: Trisha no.
Trisha: You poop from your butt and—I'm sorry.
Mackenzie: Mine was better. Just leave it.
Trisha: I thought I had that one.
Mackenzie: Leave it.
Shay: Oh Mackenzie, I didn't realize this was going to be an issue. I was personally invited to have lunch here by my good friend Brittnay Matthews.
Mackenzie: Ha! The day that happens is the day I stick my entire fist in my—
Brittnay: No it's true! I invited Shay Van Buren and Saison Margeurite to sit at the center lunch table with me!
Mackenzie: Why the f*ck would you do that?
Brittnay: (cut-away) Goddammit.
Brittnay: Because Saison Margeurite is my best friend.
Saison: Oui, that is correct. Mackenzie, would you and Trisha like to sit and eat lunch with us? There is plenty of room next to, how you say, me.
Mackenzie: Oh no thanks, Saison Margeurite, I'm pretty sure I'm about to wake up right now because only in a f*cking dream would you be Brittnay's best friend. (Trisha hits Mackenzie) Ow, Trisha!
Trisha: Sorry, I was just trying to wake you up. (gasps) But—but then who's going to wake me up? Oh my god! This is my world now! I've been inseminated!
Trisha: Inseminated! You know like in that Leonardo Dicaprio movie?
Brittnay: Do you mean Inception?
Trisha: Oh right... (runs off screaming)
Saison: (cut-away) Trisha is a little, how do you say, slow?
Producer: (off-screen) Okay, great, can we just do that one more time without you saying "how do you say".
Saison: (cut-away) Oh, oui.
Producer: (off-screen) And action.
Saison: (cut-away) Trisha is a little, um, what is the word for, slow?
Producer: (off-screen) Great. Thanks.
Mackenzie: Brittnay, do you mind telling me what the f*ck is going on?
Brittnay: I'll explain later, Mackenzie, but you're just gonna have to trust me that everything is going to be fine just as soon as this camera crew is done filming their reality show.
Mackenzie: Trust you? Really? Kind of like the way Jesus trusted Peter not to deny him three times before the cock crowed? At this rate, I'm gonna be naked on a cross with a sword in my stomach by Study Hall!
Mackenzie: (cut-away) My doctor said I need to keep calm in order to prevent any further hair loss. Apparently I lose a hair everytime I curse. I've lost fifteen f*cking hairs today. Oh goddammit. Sh*t! Son of a b*tch! Fuck! I'm gonna be bald.
Trisha: (screams) I'm in the Matrix! (screams)
Mackenzie: Well just for today, I'll go eat in the multipurpose room like a goddamn sophomore. But tomorrow, this had all better be back to normal, cuz I'll go bald before that b*tch sits at my lunch table again.
Shay: I must say it was nice sticking it to Mackenzie Zales like that, but I wasn't done with Brittnay Matthews yet.
Blaine: Oh hey guys!
Brittnay: (cut-away) God no.
Blaine: Oh hey Brittnay, are you here to yell at us?
Saison: Oh no Blaine, Brittnay invited us to lunch because we are how you say best friends.
Blaine: Oh yeah, I knew that... Hey Brittnay, did I leave a Transformers in the backseat of your car? I want to give my son a present when he's born.
Brittnay: (cut-away) Blaine and I used to date.
Blaine: ...and that's why I always say, "Trust a Decepticon and you'll get burned"!
Brittnay: (cut-away) I'm really happy for him and Saison.
Brittnay: Well I'll have to check my car, Blaine. It's been a while.
Blaine: A while? It's been a month.
Shay: (cut-away) And now for the grand finale.
Shay: We should invite Brittnay to the baby shower!
Saison: Oh oui! It's going to be so much fun!
Blaine: Yeah the theme is going to be, get this... French! We're going to have French toast!
Shay: A screening of the French Connection!
Saison: A live performance by French Montana!
Bline: And I will be dressed as the Statue of Liberty! I bet you didn't know that came from France!
Brittnay: Actually, I did know that, Blaine. But do you know what didn't come from France?
Shay: (cut-away) And boom goes the dynamite.
Brittnay: ...This motherf*cking, beret-wearing, boyfriend stealing, giggling, stuttering piece of Canadian horsesh*t! Yeah I said it! F*ck you Saison Margeurite! F*ck you, f*ck your boyfriend, and f*ck the f*cking fetus that's growing inside of the disease-ridden void that you call a goddamn womb. And f*ck you Shay Van Buren! F*ck you you sh*tty glob of donkey c*m! I hope you burn in hell for the sh*tty things you did today, because you are not the least bit sneaky, you're not the least bit clever, and your only talent is opening your legs to penises that would rather be inside of me!
Shay: Wow, Brittnay, wow... You guys wanna go watch Dora the Explorer?
Saison: Oh, oui.
Blaine: Well, I'm more of a Diego man myself, but yeah okay I can handle that.
(Shay, Blaine, and Saison walk off)
Than: Hey babe, I just realized I'm wearing your pants. So... we're going to need to change clothes.
(Brittnay screams and punches Than)
Than: Oh, right above the baby maker. Oh man. You remind me so much of my mother. Oh god.
(cut-away to Trisha)
Trisha: So... is this the Matrix?
Producer: Nope, this is a reality show.
Trisha: This whole time, my life has just been a reality show? Like, The Truman Show? (gasps) The Trisha Show.
Producer: Not exactly.
Trisha: Oh my God, are people watching me on TV right now?
Producer: Oh no, this is never gonna make it on TV. Your friends curse way too much.
Trisha: (laughs) So my life isn't a show?
(The Subscribe button appears)
Trisha: Ah! Oh! What's that? What's that?
(The MPGiS store button appears)
Producer: What are you yelling about?
Producer: Jesus, Trisha, what?
(The More Episodes button appears)
Trisha: What's that? What's—the buttons!
Producer: Yeah, they're there for people to subscribe to the show.
Trisha: Oh my god. So my life is a show?
Producer: For fuck's sake!
Trisha: Oh my god. Subscribe. Subscribe to my life. Right. Do it. Fast. When the show ends, my life ends.
Producer: This show is not going to end!
Trisha: Are you sure?
Trisha: Are you sure? Are you serious?
Producer: Yes, I'm very sure.
Trisha: I need to know.
Producer: It's not going to end!