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Episode 22/Transcript

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Ep22
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 22. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 21 Next: Episode 23

(Deandra is seen exiting a bathroom)
Deandra: Note to self: Corn dogs and Mountain Dew do not mix... especially when they are mixed with popcorn..., and jelly beans... and also six inches of a Fruit by the Foot... mozzarella sticks, uncooked bread dough, mango jabanero wings, and a shot of wheat grass... at least not for breakfast. ... Try subbing out Mountain Dew for Diet Mountain Dew. Leave the rest.
(The Atchison cheer squad is seen)
Tanya: Trisha, what time did you say she was going to be here?
Trisha 2: Well, she said meet in front of the Lids at four. (gasps) What if she meant A.M.? (gasps) What if she meant the Lids at the West Ridge Mall? (gasps) What if she meant Eastern Standard Time? (gasps)
Ashley: Psst... psst... (clears throat) Psst psst... pssst... psst!
Tanya: What?
Ashley: Oh sorry, I thought you might have been fooled by my disguise.
Taylor: What disguise is that, a lesbian Inspector Gadget?
Tanya: You know, Ashley, next time you want to hold a secret meeting, I would suggest... somewhere a little bit less public than the center of Oak Park Mall.
Ashley: Oh. Well, I was gonna invite you guys to my mom's apartment, but tonight's her bridge night, so...
Trisha 2: (gasps) You guys live under a bridge? I will answer your riddles three.
Tanya: Never mind... Ashley Katchadorian you said you had some dirt that we would be interested in?
Ashley: Oh, yeah yeah, oh yeah right. Well, word on the street is... Mackenzie Zales got a debit card!
Trisha 2: What! Wait, does that help us?
Ashley: Wait, wait, here's the kicker! She got it... in 2011!
Tanya: That added nothing to an already worthless fact.
Ashley: Alright, okay, strike one. Fair enough. Time to bring out the big guns. Word on the street is that Trisha is an only child!
Trisha 2: I am? But what about my brother? Does he appear only to me? (gasps) Am I a ghost whisperer?
Tanya: Trisha!
Trisha 2: What?
Tanya: There's no way you'd be the ghost whisperer. Her breasts are insured for millions of dollars. You eat at McDonalds. She's talking about the other Trisha!
Trisha 2: (gasps) The other Trisha is a ghost whisperer?
Ashley: Pretty juicy dirt, huh?
Tanya: No! How is knowing that Trisha Cappelletti is an only child going to help us beat Overland Park at Cheer Nationals?
Ashley: Well, uh, knowledge is power?
Taylor: Alright, I think we've heard enough here. Tanya—
Ashley: Wait! I've saved the juiciest morsel for last.
Trisha 2: Juicier than the ghost whisperer... ooooohhhhh!
Tanya: Trisha!
Ashley: Word on the street is that Saison Margeurite is—get this—you guys, she's pregnant!
(Taylor, Tanya, and Trisha 2 gasp)
Trisha 2: What's that?
Tanya: Oh, my, G! One of the cheerleaders at Overland Park is pregnant!
Ashley: Um, no, no she's not actually a cheerleader.
Trisha 2: Well, then what is she?
Ashley: She's just a girl that goes to my school.
Taylor: And you told us this because?
Ashley: Well, you asked for juicy gossip. And that sounded pretty juicy to me.
Tanya: Okay, clearly I wasn't specific enough.
Taylor: When we said we wanted dirt, we meant real dirt.
Trisha 2: Yeah as in soil, like the stuff in the ground, idiot!
Taylor: No! Dirt as in here's your life. Here's some dirt. And now I done ruined your life with my dirt and now you're dead!
Trisha 2: In the ground. Which is where dirt is. Full circle!
Tanya: Tay, you're at about an eight right now, and I need you at about a six or less, okay?
Taylor: Yeah.
Tanya: No, say okay, okay?
Taylor: Okay.
Tanya: Now as I was saying, when I said dirt, I meant dirt that would lead me to victory at Cheer Nationals. Dirt, as in, I don't know, Overland Park's cheer routine?
Ashley: Oh well, I could've told you that from the beginning.
(Tanya groans)
Ashley: It's actually pretty ingenious. They use pom-poms and megaphones. They spell out a few words and at the end, construct a human pyramid. There are also several flips and back handsprings throughout the routine.
Trisha 2: Oh my G you guys, they stole our routine!
Tanya: That's everybody's effing routine, Trisha!
(Taylor and Trisha gasp)
Tanya: I'm sorry for the strong language, I really am. Just—specifics, Ashley. What I need are specifics.
Ashley: And by that you mean...
Tanya: Like what kind of music are they using. What words are being spelled out? What color are their pom-poms?! Do they actually have spirit and do other people hear it?
Tanya: Ohhh. Oh yeah, I actually got to practice late, so I missed all of that stuff.
Deandra: (singing) Going to stores and then buying things, hopefully I make a stop at the food court. (stops singing) Ahhhhhhh Satan!
Tanya: Oh well look who it is, girls. Fancy running into you here, Deandra.
Deandra: I believe you have me confused with somebody else.
Taylor: Really, you mean to tell us that you're not Deandra, the former handspring specialist of the Atchison High Lady Jaguars Cheer Squad.
Deandra: Nope, my name is um... um... Cinnabon. Yeah, Juliet Cinnabon.
Trisha 2: (gasps) Oh my God, Ms. Cinnabon, may I just say that it is truly an honor to make your acquaintance. I am a huge fan of your products.
Deandra: Well, thank you.
Trisha 2: May I be so bold as to say that butter is not only a friend, it is an ally-
Taylor: Trisha!
Trisha 2: Sorry! One last thing, the Caramel Pecanbon, is it locked up at night—
Tanya: Trisha! We get it, you had a fat freshman year, okay! Deandra, I must say that I am surprised to find you here. Although, where else would human filth go other than Overland Park? (giggling while talking) Get it, filth?
Deandra: Yeah I got it.
Tanya: Cause you're here! Because you're right here.
Deandra: I see what you did there and it was mean. It was not kind. It was barely a joke, it was just an insult with no laugh line.
Tanya: It's like, you're trash and you're here!
Deandra: There was no punch line.
Tanya: I don't know if I should use the word filth but I did. What am I, in a sewer?
Deandra: It's nice to see you again too, Berkowitz.
Trisha 2: Wait, is something different about her?
Deandra: I understand that the three of you have been rattling the cage of the Overland Park Cheer Squad.
Taylor: Yeah, so, why do you care?
Deandra: Take it from somebody who knows, probably not the best idea.
tanya: Oh really, Deandra, what are they going to do? Call us the "c" word and threaten to have intercourse with our butts?
(Taylor, Tanya, and Trisha 2 laugh)
Trisha 2: Butts are God's seat cushions.
Deandra: Oh no! Well, I mean yes, you will get a lot of that from them. But trust me, the "c" word and butt talk are the least of your worries.
Trisha 2: Did you do something with your hair?
Taylor: Listen, Deandra, why don't you mind your own god damn—
Tanya: Taylor!
Taylor: —Why don't you mind your own gosh darn business and leave the cheer squad to us?
Tanya: And if you try and get in our way, we might have to let everyone in Overland Park know why you had to leave our school in such a hurry.
Deandra: You wouldn't!
Tanya: Would I?
Trisha 2: Is it your dress? Did you get a new dress?
Deandra: Listen, I don't know what your game is in Overland Park—
Taylor: It's the mall. We want the mall.
Deandra: The mall? You have your own fucking mall in Atchison-
Taylor: It burned down. This one's here so we here.
Deandra: It burned down? Even the carousel?
Trisha 2: Carousel was the first thing to go. RIP Mr. Clip Clop.
Deandra: Well, regardless, the Overland Park Cheer Squad will literally rip you limb from limb.
Tanya: Alright, I think we're being a little—
Deandra: Look at me! You think this was a fucking mill accident? You think I'm fucking Bethany Hamilton from fucking Soul Surfer! They literally ripped me limb from limb! And I wasn't even the one they were mad at!
Trisha 2: Oooooohhhh! It's her arm! You guys, she got a new arm!
Deandra: Tanya, Taylor, Trisha, I suggest you leave Overland Park and never look back. They did this to me for a bathroom. Imagine what they'll do for an entire mall!
Tanya: I get it, Deandra, you want us out of Overland Park so nobody finds out your little secret. Well, nice try.
Taylor: But we're not going anywhere.
Deandra: Alright, I tried using logic and I tried to reason with you guys, but now I'll spell it right out. Either you three leave Overland Park of your own accord or I use my Titanium Robot Arm to forcibly expel you from Overland Park, followed by all of your organs shortly thereafter, got it?
Tanya: Oh please, you wouldn't hurt a fly.
Deandra: You're right. Because a fly is an innocent creature that never knowingly did anything to anybody. You, however, I would maim. Don't believe me? (Deandra picks up Ashley and throws her. A splash is heard)
Taylor: You know that girl goes to Overland Park right?
Deandra: Really, I just thought it was a tiny flasher.
Tanya: That was impressive Deandra. However, know this. If you ever resort to using violence against any member of my cheer squad, I will make sure that every citizen of Overland Park knows exactly why you left Atchison in such a cloud of shame.
Taylor: And don't even think about talking to the cheer squad about this.
Tanya: Yeah. Because I've seen every single Robocop, and I know how to take you out. I'm not afraid of you, okay, the only three things I'm afraid of are Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the film adaptation of Mario Brothers, and the word colander. C'mon Trisha we're leaving.
Trisha 2: Goodbye, Deandra! I mean, Miss Cinnabon. Wink!
Deandra: Come to think of it, Cinnabon actually does sound pretty good right now. Do they still make Surge soda?
Ashley: (off-screen) You guys! I landed in the fountain! Can someone help me out? It's pretty deep. It's a pretty deep fountain you guys. I'm not too hurt, but this jacket is very heavy when it's wet. It's like an anchor. Guys? I can't float for much longer. Okay seriously. Ow! Who is still throwing coins in? Come on! None of your wishes are coming true. Can you give me a hand though—No? You're just going to walk away—Okay, no I get it, I would walk away from me too.

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