Mackenzie: Alright, I need to go to Linda's Beauty to pick up some scalp treatment. Who's coming with me?
Brittnay: While you're doing that, I need to get some new underwear at Victoria's Secret.
Trisha: Oh, ok, well I need to buy a coloring book at Borders, a CD at Sam Goody, headphones at Circuit City, some Rocket Dogs at Robinson's May, a Furby at KB Toy Store, JNCOs at Mervyn's, and then if you guys don't mind, I also need to return this movie to Blockbuster on the way home.
Brittnay: Um, Trisha—
Mackenzie: Literally every place that you just listed is out of business.
Trisha: Ugh, I knew I should have gone yesterday. Well, I've been meaning to check out Kids R Us for a while, I'll be there if you guys need me.
Mackenzie: Okay, remember if anyone runs into the Atchison Cheer Squad, we all know what to do, right?
Mackenzie: Great. Meet back here in an hour.
Trisha: Oh wait a minute, I have no idea what to do. You just had to finish The Legend of Bagger Vance, didn't you Trisha?
(Brittnay is on the phone)
Brittnay: No, Mom, I don't know how much a plane ticket to Daytona Beach costs. Well just buy it for me... no, not fucking coach! What am I? An unwed mother?
Taylor: Hey Britt, boo-boo.
Brittnay: Oh motherfucker!... No Mom, not you... Stupid bitch. Taylor, I didn't realize they let cadaverous sluts into the mall before dark.
Taylor: (laughs) Brittnay that's funny. You mind if I borrow that one? The same way that I kind of borrowed your boyfriend's dick in the lazy river, bitch?
Brittnay: Wow, Taylor, listen to you! Gee, what would Tanya Berkowitz say if she heard the words that just came out of your mouth?
Taylor: Oh, I'm sorry, is Tanya Berkowitz here right now? Didn't think so. So if I want to call you a bitch, I'm a call you a bitch, ya bitch.
Brittnay: Okay, I'm glad this is gonna be a fair fight. Like Rocky and Apollo Creed.
Taylor: Uh newsflash Britt, Apollo beat Rocky.
Brittnay: Uh, who said I was Rocky? You fucking racist!
Taylor: Now I know you did not just say that!
Brittnay: Oh yes I did!
Taylor: Oh no you didn't!
Brittnay: Yes I did—(Brittnay's phone rings and she answers it)—What? No Mom, I did not hang up on you... Well I don't know what you fucking heard. I'll talk to you later!
Brittnay: Yes I did!
Taylor: Oh no you didn't!
(Tanya walks over to Mackenzie)
Tanya: Picking up some final mementos before the mall officially becomes Atchison territory, hm?
Mackenzie: That's a funny joke, Tanya.
Tanya: I know, right? What have you got here? Scalp Rejuvenation Solution? Oh my G, Mackenzie is Papa Zales going bald?
Mackenzie: Uh, um, yeah! Yeah, he is.
Tanya: Oh my God, Mackenzie, what's going on with the side of your—(gasps) Papa isn't the only Zales losing his hair is he?
Mackenzie: Maybe I am having some hair problems, Tanya, but it's nothing that—
Tanya: Just give me one second here, Mackenzie... aaaaannnnddd it's on Twitter.
Mackenzie: Listen Tanya, I really don't think—
Tanya: What's a better Tumblr title? Bald Bald Baldie, or Being John Malkovich's Hairline?
Mackenzie: Well, I mean I really think that—
Tanya: Never mind, posted, tagged, your life is ruined!
Mackenzie: Look Tanya, it's not that big a deal. My doctor says as long as I keep my stress levels and stop cursing, my hair will start to grow back.
Tanya: Oh well, we'll do everything we can to keep your stress levels to a minimum. By the way, I ran into your ex-boyfriend Steven Carmichael at Noodles & Company.
Mackenzie: You what? I mean, you don't say.
Tanya: Yeah, he told me that you didn't win prom queen. What happened there?
Mackenzie: A series of unfortunate events that was completely out of my control.
Tanya: Clearly! Poor little Lemony Snicket.
(Tanya and Mackenzie laugh)
Mackenzie: You're so witty.
Tanya: I mean, you're head cheerleader! They practically hand you the crown with your uniform and pom-poms for crying out loud! You must've really s'ed in the bed to lose that one!
(Trisha and Trisha 2 run into each other)
Trisha 2: Oh!
Trisha and Trisha 2: I'm sorry, um what was your name again?...Trisha!...Oh right! (they laugh)
Trisha: So um, what are you doing here, um, um, um, um, bitch?
Trisha 2: Oh, um, uh, uh, biotch, I just needed to pick up a CD at The Virgin Megastore and then drop off this movie at Hollywood Video.
Trisha: Oh, what movie?
Trisha and Trisha 2: The Legend of Bagger Vance!
Trisha 2: Wait, why did you answer a question that you just asked?
Trisha: I—I don't know! Hey I know I'm supposed to hate you and everything but uh—
Trisha 2: We have like so much in common, right?
Trisha: Right! Like our name!
Trisha 2: Yeah! And like other stuff!
Trisha: I know! It's just like ergh!
(Trisha and Trisha 2 make various noises)
(Cuts to Brittnay and Taylor)
Brittnay: When you blow your dad, do you jiggle the balls, or stick exclusively to the dick from whence you came?
Taylor: Oh, that's funny! Almost as funny as the idea of you giving a semi-tolerable handjob!
Brittnay: Listen, whore, I maintain a reasonable grip!
Taylor: Really? Because I heard that most guys prefer to just skip a step and rub a cheese grater up and down the side of their penises!
Brittnay: Well, it beats the hell out of being known statewide as Queef Latifah!
Taylor: I have a medical condition!
Brittnay: Yeah it's called being a rancid bag of whore!
Taylor: I'm a give you one chance to take that the fuck back.
Brittnay: When a guy goes down on you, can you hear the echo too, or is it just him?
Taylor: Oh hi, my name's Brittnay, I judge other people for their actions even though I've had more dick in my ass than Zachary Quinto in a Venezuelan bathhouse.
Brittnay: (makes noises like sucking dick) I'm sorry, I was just trying to speak in a language that you'd more easily understand!
Taylor: Oh, I get it! I suck a lot of penises. Oh, you're sooo creative, Britt.
Brittnay: No no no, Alexis Texas sucks a lot of penises. You've sucked enough penis that every high school in the Blue Valley, Atchison, and Shawnee Mission School Districts has named you their Prom Queen!
(Cuts to Mackenzie and Tanya)
Mackenzie: Prom Queen actually isn't even that big of a deal at my school. Homecoming Queen is what everybody at Overland Park cares about.
Tanya: Please, Mackenzie, everybody knows the hierarchy of queendom is the same at every high school in America. First comes prom queen, then homecoming queen, then Candy Cane Princess, and then whatever consolation prizes they give out to the fatties and losers that go to Sadie Hawkins dance. I mean it's not even a dance if you can wear a T-shirt to it.
Mackenzie: Tanya, you are.. you are... you...
Tanya: T—t—t—t—today junior! Billy Madison! Classic!
Mackenzie: Tanya, there's a lot I want to say to you right now, but let's just leave it at you're the worst and I'm leaving.
Tanya: Face it, Mackenzie: when you're not allowed to say the "a" word, the "b" word, the "c" word, the "d" word, the "e" word, or the "f" word, you have nothing to say.
Mackenzie: What's the "e" word?
Tanya: Ha! Nice try! I think we both know what we're talking about.
(Cuts to Trisha and Trisha 2)
Trisha: I never have any idea what they're talking about.
Trisha 2: Neither do I!
Trisha: Ok, quick answer—
Trisha 2: Bunny rabbits!
Trisha: Oh, that's exactly what I was thinking, ok but let's answer at the same time, favorite actor: One.
Trisha 2: Four.
Trisha: We're counting in order. One.
Trisha 2: Two.
Trisha 2: How high are we going?
Trisha: Just three.
Trisha 2: Oh!
Trisha and Trisha 2: Ed Begley Jr!
Trisha 2: Favorite Car!
Trisha and Trisha 2: Toyota Venza!
Trisha: Favorite Musician!
Trisha and Trisha 2: Huey Lewis!
Trisha 2: But without The News!
Trisha: Yeah, no kidding.
Trisha 2: Favorite non-dairy creamer!
Trisha and Trisha 2: International Delight!
Trisha: Favorite Secondary Pilot in the movie Top Gun!
Trisha and Trisha 2: Merlin! Played by Tim Robbins!
Trisha 2: Favorite New York Mets pitcher between the years 1984 and 1986!
Trisha and Trisha 2: Doc Gooden!
Trisha: Favorite Domestic & International Airline Carrier!
Trisha 2: Delta! / Trisha 2: United!
Trisha 2: Oh no you're right! I want to switch mine to United!
Trisha: I wanted to switch mine to Delta!
(Back to Taylor and Brittnay. Brittnay is on the phone with her mom)
Brittnay: Delta?! I told you Mom, I only fly Jet Blue! ... Because I don't want to be stuck watching Cloud Atlas for four fucking hours! I want DirecTV!
Taylor: (sighs) Yo, Britt, is this gonna take long? Cuz I want to finish telling you how much of a bitch you are, but I've got things to do today.
Brittnay: So sorry, my Mom sucks, you're totally a skank, I hate your guts. Talk to you later.
Taylor: Right back at you, boo-boo. (Taylor walks off)
Brittnay: Do you think I want a fucking aisle seat? ... Well then, stop using fucking Priceline!
Mackenzie: Hey where's Trisha? We need to regroup. I just had my ass handed to me by Tanya Berkowitz.
Brittnay: She's probably playing in the fountain... well, check fucking Expedia... I don't know mom, why don't you have Dad use his fucking frequent flyer miles... because I'm his fucking lovely daughter and I deserve it! Fucking parents, am I right? Jesus Christ, learn to love!
(Back to Trisha and Trisha 2)
Trisha 2: So... when does it happen?
Trisha: Oh just wait, it'll come.
(The Subscribe, More Episodes, and MPGiS Store buttons appear)
Trisha 2: Oh my god!
Trisha: See there it is!
Trisha 2: What are they?
Trisha: I don't know.
Trisha 2: What happens when you click on them?
Trisha: Apparently I continue living.
Trisha 2: So how often does this happen?
Trisha: Every seven to ten minutes.
Trisha 2: Whoa! The future!
Trisha: I know!
Trisha 2: It's terrifying!