Trisha: Item six on the agenda: cheer tryouts.
Brittnay: I'm sorry, why are we hosting cheer tryouts a week before cheer nationals?
Mackenzie: We need to replace Jenna Darabond.
Brittnay: What the hell happened to Jenna Darabond?
Trisha: Well, uh, we're not sure exactly. Um, I have my best people on the case though. According to research, her Facebook hasn't received a status update in two months, when she just wrote, "I am the one who knocks." I don't know if she was buying a door, or what, but this case is cold, it's ice cold.
Brittnay: Ok, well why haven't we just—
Trisha: She hasn't even been tagged in a photo since Winter Carnival okay!
Trisha: I have six freshmen staking out her house in twenty-four hour rotations.
Brittnay: Ok, well, regardless, why don't we just with the fucking five people we have?
Mackenzie: Did you not read the entire Cheer National Handbook PDF that I emailed to you?
Trisha: Article Four, section Six-B: In order to compete, all cheer squads must cheer with a minimum of six members. Failure to do so will result in disqualification.
Mackenzie: And I will not run the risk of disqualification in front of Jeannie Halverstad.
Brittnay: (Brittnay's phone rings) Sorry, uh, who the fuck is Jeannie Halverstad?
Mackenie: Seriously, do you think I'm sending these emails for my own fucking good? Trisha!
Trisha: Jeannie Halverstad is the top modeling agent for pre-teens and young adults in all of the Central, South, and Eastern United States.
Mackenzie: She is also the head judge of the 2013 Cheer National Competition. She has direct connections to Seventeen, Teen Vogue, Sassy Magazine—
Trisha: Don't forget Teen Beat.
Mackenzie: I didn't forget Teen fucking Beat, Trisha! One word from Jeannie Halverstad, and I can go from part-time model to semi-full-time model.
Brittnay: Fine, but if we want to win, we can't just bring in any ass-hat off the street. (Brittnay's phone rings) They have to be good. I mean this isn't the fucking water polo team.
Mackenzie: I pissed a little! I pissed a little!
Mackenzie: Alright, who's first?
(Shay walks over)
Brittnay and Mackenzie: Next!
Shay: Goddammit, fine!
Trisha: Alright thank you! I think she showed some real promise there!
(Judith and Rachel walk over)
Brittnay: Oh fuck me!
Maackenzie: Where the hell have you two been?
Judith: Well, we got a series of part-time jobs!
Rachel: Yeah, we really been getting our shit together!
(A flashback is shown of Judith backing up a car.)
Rachel: Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. (Judith hits Rachel) My shin! ...Too far.
(A door opens to show Judith)
(The door slams shut)
(Another door opens to show Judith)
(The door slams shut)
(Another door opens to show Judith)
Rachel: Wanna buy some knives?
(The door slams shut)
(A flashback is shown of Judith and Rachel in a recording studio)
Judith: Hey, it's Judy and the Red in the morning! (A car horn honks multiple times) Oh you know what that means! Time for traffic with Rachel!
Rachel: Um, there is a car... It's in an accident... It's really bad!
Mackenzie: Do you have a cheer prepared for your tryout?
Judith: Yeah, you bet your ass we do.
Judith: Okay! Give me an O!
Rachel: You got your O, you got your O! Give me a V!
Judith: You got your V, you got your V! Give me an E!
Rachel: You got your E, you got your E!
Brittnay: Alright! I think we've seen enough!
Judith: Oh! Did we get it?
Mackenzie: Well, why don't you give us a chance to talk it over, and then we'll tell you no later.
Rachel: You guys wanna buy some knives?
Trisha: Guys, what did you think they were spelling?
Tristan: Well, hello ladies!
Brittnay: Um, don't you go to another school?
Tristan: Well, yes, Blue Valley Northwest, but that doesn't mean that I don't have spirit!
Mackenzie: Right, but this is a tryout for Overland Park Cheer Squad. You can't be on the team if you don't go to our school.
Tristan: Well, then maybe you shouldn't post your flyers in a goddamn Starbucks where any boy with a dream and a triple whip mocha frap can see it! Good day!
Brittnay: Hey, we're still on for facials Friday night, right?
Tristan: Oh sweetie, I get a facial every night! But, yes, we're still on. Love ya, bye!
Trisha: Wow, that girl was beautiful.
Belinda: Hello girls!
Mackenzie: Lunch Lady Belinda, this is a cheer try-out.
Brittnay: Yeah, not a meeting for the Association of Old Bitches Who Smell Weird and Serve Shitty Food to Minors While Making Inappropriate Comments Under Their Breath!
Trisha: Oh! The AOBWSWSSFMWMICUTB! I didn't they had an Overland Park chapter!
Belinda: (laughs) Oh girls, very very funny, but I think you'll all change your tune when you see this! (Belinda takes off a trenchcoat, revealing a cheer uniform)
Mackenzie: Ugh, did you get that out of the trash!
Belinda: Finders keepers, losers pay retail.
Brittnay: Ew, it has a blood stain on it.
Belinda: Do you know how much of my wardrobe has a blood stain on it?
Mackenzie: It doesn't even fit you!
(The camera pans down, showing a blurred out section below the skirt)
Trisha: So, um, Lunch Lady Belinda, are we, uh, gonna hear a cheer, or...?
Mackenzie: We are so fucked!
Trisha: Mackenzie! Stop with the fucks! Your hair!
Mackenzie: What does it even matter, Trisha? I'm not gonna need my fucking hair if we're not even able to compete! How are we gonna find someone?
Trisha: Ugh, I know, so many good choices!
Mackenzie: (Brittnay's phone rings) Brittnay! What the fuck is going on with your phone today!
Brittnay: I don't know! Everyone keeps texting me about this stupid Youtube video.
Trisha: Oh, it's probably that Epic Cheerleader Meltdown video. It's so funny!
Brittnay: What Epic Cheerleader Meltdown video?
Trisha: Oh you haven't seen it? Here.
(A video clip from episode 20 of Brittnay's rant is shown)
Brittnay: What the fuck?!
Mackenzie: Trisha, how many views does this have?
Trisha: I don't know like, six million.
Brittnay: Excuse me, why didn't you tell me about this?
Trisha: Well, I mean, it's funny, but it's not Cat Dressed as a Shark Riding a Roomba Chasing a Duck funny.
Brittnay: Trisha, you know that's me, right?
Trisha: (gasps) You're Epic Cheerleaer Meltdown? Oh my god! Can I have your autograph?
Brittnay: Who the fuck even put this on the internet?
Producer: Uh, a fucking genius, that's who!
Brittnay: What the fuck are you doing here?
Producer: I'm here to tell you two things: you're famous and you're welcome.
Brittnay: Welcome for what?
Producer: Well since you ruined my episode with your hot little gutter mouth, I decided to salvage what I could by posting your rant on the internet, and now the network wants to give you your own show.
Mackenzie: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Brittnay: I'm getting my own TV show!
Producer: Yep, TV show, all about you, your story, what you're all about.
Trisha: The Brittnay show! You'll love it, it's a lot of fun.
Producer: Only thing is you can't curse and you can't make any references to sex.
Brittnay: Uh, excuse me, that video on the internet is filled almost exclusively with cursing and references to sex.
Producer: Exactly! That's why you're getting your own TV show!
Brittnay: But if it's my own show, it's all about me—
Producer: All about you as long as you're the you that we want you to be.
Brittnay: But the me I want to be likes to curse.
Producer: Not as much as you'll like money!
Brittnay: But I like talking about sex.
Producer: You'll talk a lot more about how famous you are!
Mackenzie: Britt, we need to deal with cheer nationals.
Producer: Oh, cheer nationals sounds like a great first episode.
Mackenzie: Actually, we're not going to be able to go to cheer nationals without a sixth squad member, and we need to figure that out.
Producer: Problem solved! I've got your sixth member right here!
Saison: Good afternoon Brittnay!
Brittnay: No fucking way!
Producer: I think you mean no freaking way, and let me just tell you audiences love watching you yell at a pregnant chick! So she's in, I'll see you in Daytona Beach! Bring sunblock, bitches! Ripped, yeah!
Trisha: Wait, wait, does this mean we have seven members on the squad? (on phone) Hi, do you have cheer uniforms for kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah, negative 8 months. Yeah, waterproof, please.
(Cut to Belinda)
Belinda: (various buttons appear while she's talking) This is my school, it's Overland Park, but by court order, I can't be here after dark. Give me a V!
Brittnay: (offscreen) V.
Belinda: Give me an A!
Brittnay: (offscreen) A.
Belinda: Give me a G—!
Brittnay: (offscreen) Oh, no. No. No. No.
Belinda: 2, 4, 6, 8, this is how I masturbate!
Brittnay: (offscreen) Please, god no.
Belinda: Settle down, it's just a cheer. Plus there's no outlets around here, how did you think I was gonna do it? Eat my taters, enjoy my tots, here are my buns, and this is my twat. firstname.lastname@example.org. Out, bitches.