Trisha: Item six on the agenda: cheer tryouts.
Brittnay: I'm sorry, why are we hosting cheer tryouts a week before cheer nationals?
Mackenzie: We need to replace Jenna Darabond.
Brittnay: What the hell happened to Jenna Darabond?
Trisha: Well, uh, we're not sure exactly. Um, I have my best people on the case though. According to research, her Facebook hasn't received a status update in two months, when she just wrote, "I am the one who knocks." I don't know if she was buying a door, or what, but this case is cold, it's ice cold.
Brittnay: Ok, well why haven't we just—
Trisha: She hasn't even been tagged in a photo since Winter Carnival okay!
(Brittnay gasps)
Trisha: I have six freshmen staking out her house in twenty-four hour rotations.
Brittnay: Ok, well, regardless, why don't we just with the fucking five people we have?
Mackenzie: Did you not read the entire Cheer National Handbook PDF that I emailed to you?
Brittnay: No.
Mackenzie: Trisha!
Trisha: Article Four, section Six-B: In order to compete, all cheer squads must cheer with a minimum of six members. Failure to do so will result in disqualification.
Mackenzie: And I will not run the risk of disqualification in front of Jeannie Halverstad.
Brittnay: (Brittnay's phone rings) Sorry, uh, who the fuck is Jeannie Halverstad?
Mackenie: Seriously, do you think I'm sending these emails for my own fucking good? Trisha!
Trisha: Jeannie Halverstad is the top modeling agent for pre-teens and young adults in all of the Central, South, and Eastern United States.
Mackenzie: She is also the head judge of the 2013 Cheer National Competition. She has direct connections to Seventeen, Teen Vogue, Sassy Magazine—
Trisha: Don't forget Teen Beat.
Mackenzie: I didn't forget Teen fucking Beat, Trisha! One word from Jeannie Halverstad, and I can go from part-time model to semi-full-time model.
Brittnay: Fine, but if we want to win, we can't just bring in any ass-hat off the street. (Brittnay's phone rings) They have to be good. I mean this isn't the fucking water polo team.
(Everyone laughs)
Mackenzie: I pissed a little! I pissed a little!
Mackenzie: Alright, who's first?
(Shay walks over)
Brittnay and Mackenzie: Next!
Shay: Goddammit, fine!
Trisha: Alright thank you! I think she showed some real promise there!
Mackenzie: Next!
(Judith and Rachel walk over)
Brittnay: Oh fuck me!
Maackenzie: Where the hell have you two been?
Judith: Well, we got a series of part-time jobs!
Rachel: Yeah, we really been getting our shit together!
(A flashback is shown of Judith backing up a car.)
Rachel: Okay, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. (Judith hits Rachel) My shin! ...Too far.
(A door opens to show Judith)
Judith: Hi!
(The door slams shut)
(Another door opens to show Judith)
Judith: Hi!
(The door slams shut)
(Another door opens to show Judith)
Judith: Hi.
Rachel: Wanna buy some knives?
(The door slams shut)
(A flashback is shown of Judith and Rachel in a recording studio)
Judith: Hey, it's Judy and the Red in the morning! (A car horn honks multiple times) Oh you know what that means! Time for traffic with Rachel!
Rachel: Um, there is a car... It's in an accident... It's really bad!
(Present)
Brittnay: Okay.
Mackenzie: Do you have a cheer prepared for your tryout?
Judith: Yeah, you bet your ass we do.
Rachel: Ready?
Judith: Okay! Give me an O!
Rachel: You got your O, you got your O! Give me a V!
Judith: You got your V, you got your V! Give me an E!
Rachel: You got your E, you got your E!
Brittnay: Alright! I think we've seen enough!
Judith: Oh! Did we get it?
Mackenzie: Well, why don't you give us a chance to talk it over, and then we'll tell you no later.
Rachel: You guys wanna buy some knives?
Brittnay: Next!
Trisha: Guys, what did you think they were spelling?
Brittnay: Next!
Tristan: Well, hello ladies!
Brittnay: Um, don't you go to another school?
Tristan: Well, yes, Blue Valley Northwest, but that doesn't mean that I don't have spirit!
Mackenzie: Right, but this is a tryout for Overland Park Cheer Squad. You can't be on the team if you don't go to our school.
Tristan: Well, then maybe you shouldn't post your flyers in a goddamn Starbucks where any boy with a dream and a triple whip mocha frap can see it! Good day!
Brittnay: Hey, we're still on for facials Friday night, right?
Tristan: Oh sweetie, I get a facial every night! But, yes, we're still on. Love ya, bye!
Trisha: Wow, that girl was beautiful.
Brittnay: Next!
Belinda: Hello girls!
Mackenzie: Lunch Lady Belinda, this is a cheer try-out.
Brittnay: Yeah, not a meeting for the Association of Old Bitches Who Smell Weird and Serve Shitty Food to Minors While Making Inappropriate Comments Under Their Breath!
Trisha: Oh! The AOBWSWSSFMWMICUTB! I didn't they had an Overland Park chapter!
Belinda: (laughs) Oh girls, very very funny, but I think you'll all change your tune when you see this! (Belinda takes off a trenchcoat, revealing a cheer uniform)
Mackenzie: Ugh, did you get that out of the trash!
Belinda: Finders keepers, losers pay retail.
Brittnay: Ew, it has a blood stain on it.
Belinda: Do you know how much of my wardrobe has a blood stain on it?
Mackenzie: It doesn't even fit you!
(The camera pans down, showing a blurred out section below the skirt)
(Brittnay retches)
Trisha: So, um, Lunch Lady Belinda, are we, uh, gonna hear a cheer, or...?
Mackenzie: We are so fucked!
Trisha: Mackenzie! Stop with the fucks! Your hair!
Mackenzie: What does it even matter, Trisha? I'm not gonna need my fucking hair if we're not even able to compete! How are we gonna find someone?
Trisha: Ugh, I know, so many good choices!
Mackenzie: (Brittnay's phone rings) Brittnay! What the fuck is going on with your phone today!
Brittnay: I don't know! Everyone keeps texting me about this stupid Youtube video.
Trisha: Oh, it's probably that Epic Cheerleader Meltdown video. It's so funny!
Brittnay: What Epic Cheerleader Meltdown video?
Trisha: Oh you haven't seen it? Here.
(A video clip from episode 20 of Brittnay's rant is shown)
Brittnay: What the fuck?!
Mackenzie: Trisha, how many views does this have?
Trisha: I don't know like, six million.
Brittnay: Excuse me, why didn't you tell me about this?
Trisha: Well, I mean, it's funny, but it's not Cat Dressed as a Shark Riding a Roomba Chasing a Duck funny.
Brittnay: Trisha, you know that's me, right?
Trisha: (gasps) You're Epic Cheerleaer Meltdown? Oh my god! Can I have your autograph?
Brittnay: Who the fuck even put this on the internet?
Producer: Uh, a fucking genius, that's who!
Brittnay: What the fuck are you doing here?
Producer: I'm here to tell you two things: you're famous and you're welcome.
Brittnay: Welcome for what?
Producer: Well since you ruined my episode with your hot little gutter mouth, I decided to salvage what I could by posting your rant on the internet, and now the network wants to give you your own show.
(Brittnay gasps)
Mackenzie: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Brittnay: I'm getting my own TV show!
Producer: Yep, TV show, all about you, your story, what you're all about.
Trisha: The Brittnay show! You'll love it, it's a lot of fun.
Producer: Only thing is you can't curse and you can't make any references to sex.
Brittnay: Uh, excuse me, that video on the internet is filled almost exclusively with cursing and references to sex.
Producer: Exactly! That's why you're getting your own TV show!
Brittnay: But if it's my own show, it's all about me—
Producer: All about you as long as you're the you that we want you to be.
Brittnay: But the me I want to be likes to curse.
Producer: Not as much as you'll like money!
Brittnay: But I like talking about sex.
Producer: You'll talk a lot more about how famous you are!
Mackenzie: Britt, we need to deal with cheer nationals.
Producer: Oh, cheer nationals sounds like a great first episode.
Mackenzie: Actually, we're not going to be able to go to cheer nationals without a sixth squad member, and we need to figure that out.
Producer: Problem solved! I've got your sixth member right here!
Saison: Good afternoon Brittnay!
Brittnay: No fucking way!
Producer: I think you mean no freaking way, and let me just tell you audiences love watching you yell at a pregnant chick! So she's in, I'll see you in Daytona Beach! Bring sunblock, bitches! Ripped, yeah!
Trisha: Wait, wait, does this mean we have seven members on the squad? (on phone) Hi, do you have cheer uniforms for kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah, negative 8 months. Yeah, waterproof, please.
(Cut to Belinda)
Belinda: (various buttons appear while she's talking) This is my school, it's Overland Park, but by court order, I can't be here after dark. Give me a V!
Brittnay: (offscreen) V.
Belinda: Give me an A!
Brittnay: (offscreen) A.
Belinda: Give me a G—!
Brittnay: (offscreen) Oh, no. No. No. No.
Belinda: 2, 4, 6, 8, this is how I masturbate!
Brittnay: (offscreen) Please, god no.
Belinda: Settle down, it's just a cheer. Plus there's no outlets around here, how did you think I was gonna do it? Eat my taters, enjoy my tots, here are my buns, and this is my twat. ladytatertot@gmail.com. Out, bitches.
