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Ep3
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 3. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 2 Next: Episode 4

Deandra: Have fun smelling my poops, bitches!
Trisha: So... is there cheer practice today or not?
Shay: (enters) Where the fuck is Mackenzie Zales?
Trisha: Oh my God, it's Shay Van Buren.
Mackenzie: What the fuck do you want, Shay Van Buren?
Shay: Oh I don't know. I heard that you're going around calling me a fucking liar!
Mackenzie: Where did you hear that?
Shay: Uh I don't know, like thirty-five seconds ago.
Mackenzie: I said where, not when, you idiot!
Shay: Shut up! You know I'm partially deaf in my right ear after Matthew Derringer hit me in the head with that fucking hacky sack in the third grade!
Cameron: (enters) Where the fuck is Mackenzie Zales?
Trisha: Oh my God, it's Cameron Van Buren, the most popular girl in the history of the Blue Valley school district.
Cameron: Hiye, Trisha!
Trisha: O-oh my God. (ducks into a bathroom stall)
Mackenzie: Cameron, how's Wichita State?
Cameron: Um, it's great. I'm like in a shitton of sororities and I have a twenty-nine year old boyfriend. Suck it!
Mackenzie: It's so good to see you.
Cameron: I heard you were calling my sister a fucking liar!
Mikayla: (enters) Where the fuck is Mackenzie Zales?
(Silence until the group sees Mikayla)
Mackenzie: Who the fuck are you?
Mikayla: Who the fuck are you?
Mackenzie: Oh no, no. We are not doing this again.
Cameron: This is our sister, Mikayla. She's the most popular girl at Meadowlane Elementary.
Mikayla: And I heard you were calling my sister a fucking liar!
Trisha: Okay, seriously? Who the fuck is watching the door? How did a nine year old get in here?
Mikayla: Shut up, Trisha Cappelletti! Or should I tell everybody about how you make out with Ira Martinez behind Topsy's Popcorn after school?
Trisha: H-how do you know about that?
Mikayla: Brooklyn Katchadorian. We have gymnastics together.
Shay: What?
Cameron: Fucking stand on the other side of me.
Shay: Fucking Matt Derringer. Listen, Mackenzie Zales. We want—oh! Oh my God. It smells terrible in here.
Mackenzie: Somebody literally just pooped.
Cameron: It smells awful.
Mikayla: It smells like somebody put a diabetic foot into a sandwich and left it in the sun. Ugh!
Trisha: (retching) I'm sorry. I'll text Amber Zendejas.
Shay: Anyway... I want an apology. I'm not a fucking liar!
Mackenzie: You are a fucking liar! And I'll gladly tell it to all of Overland Park!
Cameron: Well then, I'll gladly tell the student bodies of Wichita State, Kansas, and San Diego State that you eat dick burritos.
Trisha: Oh my God, that's everywhere you applied.
Mackenzie: I know.
Mikayla: And I'll gladly tell the entire student body of Meadowlane Elementary that first grader Katelynn Zales... is rife... with cooties.
(Trisha and Mackenzie gasp)
Trisha: That's totally your sister.
Mackenzie: I know. Okay, fine. Shay Van Buren, (quietly) I am sorry. 
Shay: I didn't believe that for a goddamn second. I want a handwritten apology delivered to my locker along with twenty-five dollars in PacSun bucks. Additionally, I want possession of all girls bathrooms from the West Bank lockers to the second floor and to the two trees in the quad.
Mackenzie: Fuck you.
Mikayla: You know, Mackenzie, it'd be a shame if your sister fell down a flight of stairs!
Mackenzie: Uh, fine! I'll accept your terms, but you have to give the cheer squad the center lunch table.
Cameron: Fine.
Mackenzie: There's also a girl named Deandra who has pooping privileges here.
Shay: She will be safe.
Mackenzie: Good. But know this: the war between the Cheer Squad and the Van Buren family has just begun.
Shay: Understood.
Cameron: Understood.
Mikayla: Understood!
Trisha: Wait, what's going on?
Brittnay: (off-screen) Shut the fuck up Rachel Tice!
Rachel: (runs crying around the bathroom)
Everyone except Trisha: Fucking Rachel Tice!
Trisha: Yeah, Rachel Tice...

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