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Episode 35/Transcript

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Ep35
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 35. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 34 Next: Episode 36

Trisha, Brittnay, and Mackenzie: Ewww!
Brittnay: Mackenzie what the fuck are we looking at?
Mackenzie: Hipsters, Brittnay. Motherfucking hipsters!
Trisha, Brittnay, and Mackenzie: Ewww!
Trisha: Wait, so is hipster a technical term for people who get dressed in the dark?
Mackenzie: No Trisha. Hipsters are peoople who act like fucking idiots but for some reason everyone thinks they're cool.
Trisha, Brittnay, and Mackenzie: Ugh!
Brittnay: There is no fucking way that people think that this is cool. This guy looks like Peewee Herman fucked a trucker!
Mackenzie: He looks like a lumberjack pedophile.
Trisha: Oh, he looks like a well-read hobo.
Brittnay: He looks like a malnourished Brawny paper towel man.
Mackenzie: It looks like a bunch of meth stole my dad's old clothes and then rolled around in hair.
Trisha: Um, so, what is it exactly they do?
Mackenzie: Well, from what I can tell, not a goddamn thing! It seems like all they do is stand around slumped over and take pictures of each other, and then they post them on tumblr.
Brittnay: What the fuck is tumblr?
Trisha: Oh is it like a Facebook?
Mackenzie: Kind of, except without any of the features or accessibility whatsoever.
Brittnay: So wait, this is the bullshit that Jenna Darabond wants us to be scared of? Well, why the fuck would I give a shit about a bunch of losers in flannel shirts drinking PDR?
Mackenzie: No Brittnay, I've seen it happen. I saw it happen at a beauty pageant last weekend.
Brittnay: Oh, you're just hanging out a beauty pageants now? Jesus Christ Mackenzie, how badly do you need validation?
Mackenzie: I was there for my sister, okay? The point is, this is happening. People for some reason are starting to believe that this is cool.
Brittnay: No fucking way. If I saw someone like that walking down the street, I would immediately kick him in his dick.
Trisha: I would offer money.
Mackenzie: I'm telling you guys, this is a real thing and it's getting worse! Don't believe me? Then look at this shit.
Brittnay: Mother of god.
Trisha: Um, hey guys, we're gonna be late to our pep rally.
Mackenzie: Oh fuck you're right.
Brittnay: Enough with this weirdo hipster bullshit. How many of them can actually say that they've won a national fucking champion ship, huh? I don't see anyone throwing a pep rally for "best mustache"!
Mackenzie: Fucking a-right! We're hot, we're popular, and the whole school is about to collectively suck our dicks!
Trisha: Yeah! Wait, you guys have dicks?
Brittnay: By the way, have you guys heard from Jenna Dapananian lately?
Trisha: Not since cheer nationals.
Mackenzie: Jesus Christ, this squad gets smaller every day!
Brittnay: Whatever, who gives a fuck. We're the only ones that matter anyway.
Mackenzie: You're right! Girls, I think it's time we give the people what they want.
Trisha and Brittnay: Yeah!
Trisha: Oh—didn't open! Uh, yeah, it's locked.
Mackenzie: What? Why the fuck is it locked, the school is supposed to be throwing us a pep rally!
Brittnay: How are we gonna get our dicks sucked?
Mackenzie: What the hell is that noise?
Trisha: Um, I think something's going on on the football field.
Brittnay: Goddammit, this better not be another fucking fire drill.
Jenna Dapananian: Oh hey girls, long time no see.
Mackenzie: Jenna Dapananian, why the fuck are you not at the pep rally?
Brittnay: And why the fuck is there not a pep rally?
Jenna Darabond: Oh, you girls didn't hear? Your pep rally got cancelled for a farmer's market!
Mackenzie: A farmer's what?
Jenna Dapananian: Oh, you didn't hear? Oh, I'm sorry, was something unclear to you, and then nobody bothered to explain it and just finding out that everyone knew about it the whole time? (gasps) Weird! How does it feel to be left out? Not too fucking good, huh? Cunts.
Jenna Darabond: So sorry your pep rally got cancelled, everyone just thought that it would be a lot more fun to get some fresh air rather than hang out in a stuffy gym and watch a bunch of girls dance.
Trisha: Actually, the drill team is the one who dances. We spell things with our arms!
Jenna Darabond: And what a good job you do spelling those things, Trisha. Well, you girls have fun, there's a lot of great local vendors! Ooh, and we've also got a gourmet food truck handing out free samplees!
Deandra: You're out. ...You're out. I gotta tell ya, Jorge, I've had a fair share of pork belly buffalo tacos in my day, but your's is top of the top! Tip top, tip-tip top! By the way, you're out.
Jenna Darabond: So why don't you guys enjoy yourselves, okay?
Brittnay: Uh, why don't you go fuck yourself, okay? Okay, I don't get it. Why are all these people so excited about vegetables?
Trisha: I dunno. I mean, I enjoy a green Skittle every now and then. T-that's a vegetable.
Mackenzie: Goddammit! See this is the kind of shit that I'm talking about. Weird stuff that sucks that everyone all of a sudden likes for no reason. Let's all just spread out and try to figure out what the deal is with this shit!
Belinda: So, you're telling me that none of these juices come from a powder.
Earth Juice Guy: Oh, nononono. All of our juices come from one hundred percent organic fruits and vegetables.
Belinda: F... ruit? Okay, let me ask you like this: I serve juice every single day, we've got two flavors: red and purple. Which one is this?
Earth Juice Guy: Oh, whatcha got there is a real nice watermelon-ginger-lemon-kale-cayenne blend. It's got a lot of vitamin B, some real killer omegas in there.
Belinda: O...kay, I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. I feel like you're just making up words.
Earth Juice Guy: Oh nonononononono. No words. Here at Earth Juice we just believe in using organic local produce, just getting food from the earth and extracting the natural energy and vitamins that are held within!
Belinda: Oh you are fucking wasting your time! Do you know what I feed these kids? Melted-down Otter Pops, and they fucking love it. Fucking love it! And while you're over here squeezing beets, I got fifty gallons of Alexander the Grape sitting in the cafeteria, and I can't keep that shit stocked.
Brittnay: Hey, uh, can I get a—oh. Tomato... celery... and. Oh. Gross. Spinach juice?
Earth Juice Guy: Alright, no problem! That will be nine fifty.
Brittnay: The fuck? I said juice, not a fucking gallon of gasoline!
Earth Juice Guy: Oh yeah, but this juice is a hundred percent organic, GMO free—
Brittnay: Yeah, I don't care. It's still just juice.
Earth Juice Guy: Rightrightright. But this juice is cold-pressed, not blended. That way we maintain the vegetables' natural—
Brittnay: Yeah, but still. Just... juice.
Earth Juice Guy: Right, but this is gonna help your digestion, clean up your endocrin system—
Brittnay: It's motherfucking juice!
Earth Juice Guy: Yeah, but this juice is really gonna help you get a super-healthy body, y'know?
Brittnay: Look at me. Do you know what made this body? Her food.
Belinda: And I'll be honest, that stuff is mostly sawdust and rat meat.
Brittnay: Now, I'd like to take this bottle of juice and shove it up your asshole. However, it'd be the most expensive butt plug that I have ever purchased. So instead, I will kindly bid you a "fuck off, hippie".
Belinda: That would not be the most expensive butt plug that I've ever purchased, though, by the way.
Mackenzie: Hey Blaine, hey Saison. What are you guys doing?
Saison: Oh, we are just looking for some, how you say, organic baby food.
Blaine: Yeah, if my baby kid's gonna grow up to be a smart, I want him eating all natural!
Mackenzie: I'm gonna be honest: with you two as parents, your kid's gonna need a lot more than some mashed-up terra root to make it through infancy.
Blaine: Fingers crossed!
Saison: Oh my god, a crepe stand!
Blaine: Oh, I love grapes!
Saison: No, crepes!
Blaine: I know, grapes!
Saison: No Blaine, creepes.
Blaine: Yes Saison, graaapes.
Saison: Creeeeee...
Blaine: Graaaaaa...
Mackenzie: Jesus Christ, fucking kill me.
(Saison and Blaine make out)
Deandra: Hi Trisha, can I help you?
Trisha: Oh, I'm sorry, uh, what is this?
Deandra: A food truck.
Trisha: An edible truck! (gasps)
Deandra: No. It's a truck with food in it.
Trisha: Oh, like an ice cream truck.
Deandra: Yeah, but for gourmet pork belly tacos.
Jorge: Eh, follow us on Twitter?
Deandra: Jorge! Less talk-talk, more make-make.
Jorge: Coming right up.
Deandra: Fucking a-right man.
Trisha: Uh, yeah. I would like a Dora the Explorer with gumball eyes, please, and those little poppers that you throw on the ground to scare away little kids with?
Belinda: So you're telling me, that you're selling these things for nine bucks a pop?
Earth Juice Guy: Yeah well, I mean, it's kind of the industry standard now.
Belinda: Holy shit I cannot believe that people will pay that much for crushed celery in a cup! And here I am selling chicken nuggets for fifty cents.
Earth Juice Guy: Well, we make all of our products—
Belinda: Yeah yeah yeah, vitamins, organs, bluhbluhbluhbluh all that shit, what are your profit margins?
Earth Juice Guy: Well, you know, we don't really believe in profits, perse, we actually believe that—
Belinda: Hahaha! Cornering the market on this shit is going to be easier than I thought! Look out Overland Park, Lunch Lady Belinda is going to make Jamie Oliver look like fucking Captain Crunch. Ahoy, bitches.

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