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Episode 37/Transcript

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Ep37
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 37. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 36 Next: Episode 38

Tristan: Alright, sweetie, have fun at your rehearsal.
Tanner: Practice, Tristan. It's called practice.
Tristan: Eh, you say potato, I say blow me. Hahaha!
Tanner: Okay, later, I love you!
Tristan: Love you too! Now get the fuck out of here! Just kidding! I want to spend the rest of my life with you! But seriously leave!
Brittnay: You ready to go?
Than: Oh please honey, I'm ready to go like a closeted guy after three mojitos and a parachute of molly!
Brittnay: Alright let's blow this shitstand.
(A title card reading "20 Minutes Later" is shown)
Brittnay: You want to take a break?
Tristan: Fuck yes!
Brittnay: My god, we got a lot done.
Tristan: That's because we're two bitches who know how to shop. Super profesh!
Brittnay: So anyways, like I was saying, I am not getting that stain out of that dress.
Tristan: Oh my god! No no no no! You have to go to my guy Don Marco! He is a wizard with semen! He makes an absolute killing off of the cheating husband market. I mean, look at this shirt!
Brittnay: What's wrong with that shirt?
Tristan: Exactly, this shirt used to look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Brittnay: Oh!
Tristan: Spring break in Toronto, don't even ask!
Brittnay: Oh my god, Tristee, you are such a slut!
Tristan: Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle a slut!
Brittnay: What did you say you little bitch?
Tristan: You heard me bitch!
Brittnay: Whore!
Tristan: Skank!
Brittnay: Cunt!
Tristan: Fucking twat!
(Brittnay and Tristan laugh)
Tristan: Oh shit, did I tell you? You know that guy Pablo?
Brittnay: The one with the—
Tristan: UH-HUH! Well anyways, Pablo walked right by me at lunch today. Didn't even say a fucking word!
Brittnay: Shut the fuck up!
Tristan: I know totally, right? Ugh, that guy is just so fucking BDL.
Brittnay: Oh my god, he's totally BDL!
Tristan: Seriously, you look up BDL in the dictionary, the first thing you're gonna see is Pablo's fucking face.
Brittnay: It's like, Jesus, why don't you just go buy yourself a big green polo shirt while you're at it.
Tristan: Oh my god can you imagine? Fuck him!
Brittnay: Ugh, why can't everyone just be as great as us?
Tristan: You know what's better than us?
Brittnay: Us with some cute boys and a couple of wine coolers!
Tristan: Oh my god, get out of my head you bitch!
Brittnay: Hahahahahahahaha! Hey, real talk for a sec?
Tristan: Oh god, did it flare up again?
Brittnay: No, no, no, no, not that. Have you noticed Tanner's taste changing at all lately?
Tristan: What, you mean like he's eating more pineapple, or...?
Brittnay: No, no, I mean like is he wearing different clothes like flannel shirts or jeans that are, like, women's jeans?
Tristan: Oh honey, we don't let Tanner make those kind of decisions. I threw all of his clothes out, the minute we got together. He only wears what I pick out. Why do you ask?
Brittnay: Oh, it's just a lot of the kids at our school lately have started getting into a bunch of weird shit like wearing a lot of flannel and beanies and listening to fucking folk music.
Tristan: Oh, you mean hipsters?
Brittnay: You know what hipsters are?
Tristan: I ran into a few of them when I was in San Francisco doing a bunch of missionary work.
Brittnay: Wait, you worked for a church?
Tristan: Oh, sorry, I ran into a few when I was in San Francisco doing a bunch of missionary. But, yes hipsters fucking suck.
Brittnay: Seriously, dumbest trend since Chuck Norris jokes.
Tristan: Ugh, my feet are killing me.
Brittnay: Me too. Can we just find a cute boy and make him carry all our shit?
Tristan: Read my mind.
Brittnay: Oh hi there!
Tristan: Oh no honey, he's one of mine. Hey big man!
Tanner: Hey, seriously boys, great practice out there today.
Matthew: Yeah Blaine, I think you got a couple of extra snaps in there didn't you?
Blaine: Yeah, I was really feeling it out there today.
Matthew: Right on.
Tanner: Justin?
Justin: Oh hey guys. I thought I'd be out of here before you got back.
Blaine: Hey, um, Justin, you're really late for practice.
Justin: Oh no, Blaine, I actually just quit the team.
Tanner, Blaine, and Matthew: What?
Justin: Yeah, you know Jenna and I have been talking and well, we just feel like this isn't really for me anymore. It just doesn't fit the lifestyle that we're pursuing for myself.
Matthew: Does this have anything to do with the fact that you're dressed like a very cold nerd right now?
Blaine: Yeah, we were just outside. It's really nice. No need for a beanie, bro.
Justin: Oh no, no, no, no, Blaine. These days, I'm not concerned so much with dressing for function. It's so passe, don't you think?
Tanner: Okay, Justin, what is it that you're so into right now that you don't have time for football?
Justin: Coffee. (drinks coffee)
Matthew: Alright, well—
Justin: Listen guys, I don't really expect you to get everything that I'm into right now. I mean, don't worry, you probably will in like two years when everybody else is doing it.
Tanner: Well, wow, uh, that was kind of a fucked up thing to say.
Justin: Look, I'm not trying to be a dick here guys, it's just—I'm evolving. I'm growing up and I'm exploring the world and I don't really have time to be jocking it up with you guys anymore.
Matthew: Alright, okay, you know what, hold on. First of all, even if you preface a statement with the phrase, "I'm not trying to be a dick here", you can still very easily be a dick. In fact, you're probably a dick already. Which is what you're being right now Justin. If you want to go off and quit the football team and you and your girlfriend want to jerk off to coffee mugs, it doesn't mean you have to be an ass about it. If you want to go off and do your own thing, that's fine, just don't be a dick to your friends. So we're gonna go ahead and forget this whole thing ever happened. We're cool, right guys?
Blaine and Tanner: Uh, yeah, yeah, we're cool.
Matthew: If you don't want to come to football practice, you don't have to, we'll see you later, like always. We're still friends, you won't judge us because we like football, and we won't judge you because your girlfriend dresses you so terribly.
Tanner: Right, right, because I mean that's a totally normal thing. I mean there's nothing wrong with your girlfriend dressing you, or boyfriend, or anybody but I dress myself.
Justin: (phone rings) You know what, sorry guys, I gotta take this.
Blaine: Hey Justin, do you think I should start drinking coffee and quit the football team too?
Matthew: No, Blaine. Dammit, Blaine, dammit. Stand there and stop asking questions.
Blaine: Yeah you're probably right. Coffee's really hot. What about tea, is that like a happy medium?
Matthew: What did I just say about questions?
Blaine: You're right.
Tanner: Well this fucking blows a whale dick. Where are we going to find another tight end?
Than: (falls out of bathroom stall) Hey, hey, hey guys, what's going on? I was just, I was just, um, just doing, some poop stuff. Um, In the bathroom stall, I couldn't help but overhear though, that Justin left. Aw, no, what? Well, uh, I'd like to fill your opening. Right? I just thought of that while I was falling down just now. Pretty good right? What? Didn't like the joke? Oh I forgot to pull my pants up. Well, you can see I'm excited.

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