This is a transcribed copy of Episode 4. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Matthew: So then she was all like, "No, you are." And then I was all like, "No, you are." And then she was all like, "I kind of am." So long story short, she's kinda my mouth date now.
Tanner: I am so good at football.
Justin: Hey Tanner, we're all pretty good at football.
Blaine: Yeah, that's why this year we're going to State!
All: State! State! State! State! (wolf howls) Yeah!
Than: State, huh? Hey, more like... uh, gay!
Tanner: Goddammit, Jonathan! Who let you in here?
Than: Not much.
Tanner: What?
Than: Uh, I thought you were gonna say "What are you lookin' at?" And then I was gonna say, "Not much."
(The football players look at each other)
Than: Are you... are you gonna say "What are you looking at?
Tanner: No, Jonathan.
Than: Hey! The name's not Jonathan!
Justin: Oh my god, are you gonna try and nickname yourself again?
Than: The name... is Than!
Matthew: The fuck kind of name is Than?
Than: It's like Jonathan, only shorter.
Tanner: Why wouldn't you just go by Jon?
Than: 'Cuz I don't play by your rules, man!
Blaine: That's dumber than the time in the third grade when you tried to get everyone to call you "Uncle Jessie"!
Than: Hey, that would have worked if you guys would've agreed to call yourselves "The Rippers"!
Matthew: Stop trying to force your Full House references on us. You're the only person who gets those.
Than: Fuck you.
Matthew: Suck my dick.
Than: Okay.
Matthew: What?
Than: Drop trou. I'll suck your dick right now!
Matthew: Dude, that was an expression! Right? Am I right? That's an expression, right guys?
Blaine: That's an expression.
Matthew: Not an invitation.
Blaine: No.
Than: I'll suck your dicks right now. Go ahead, push them together like a little sandwich. Om nom nom nom nom. I'm hungry for lunch!
Justin: Okay, seriously, we told you last week if you're gonna watch us shower again, we're gonna tell Principal Nubbins.
Than: Well then, in that case, why don't you go ahead and pop off that towel and I'll play with your butt-hole a little bit?
Matthew: Jonathan! You are not gonna suck any of our dicks today, and you're not gonna play with any of out buttholes either.
Than: Well, I guess we see who the real man is here, don't we?
Blaine: I'm a real man! I'm not afraid!
(Matthew, Justin, and Tanner try to hold Blaine back)
Matthew: Hold it! Woah woah woah woah woah! Get back, Blaine! Goddammit.
Justin: No, get back Blaine! God.
Blaine: Are you trying to infer that because you're willing to do stuff to our butts, it proves that you're more of a man than us?
Than: I'm not saying anything... I'm-I'm just sayin'.
Tanner: The only thing that you're sayin' is that you're gay.
Than: I'm not gay. You're gay!
Tanner: Yeah, so?
Than: Wait, what?
Tanner: I'm gay, dude.
Justin: Yeah, he's definitely gay.
Matthew: Yeah, he's gay.
Blaine: We had an assembly about it.
Matthew: He has been in a gay monogamous relationship for a long time. We accept you, bro.
Tanner: Thank you, man.
(Matthew and Tanner high five)
Than: But... what... I-I thought...
Tanner: Are we done here, Jon? I'm going to shower.
Than: Hey!
(The boys turn around)
Than: Would it be weird... if I joined you guys... for a shower?
Matthew: Oh, well. I don't know. Why don't we take a poll. I vote no.
Justin: I vote no too.
Tanner: Fuck no!
Blaine: Well, I always believe in giving people, the benefit of the doubt, so maybe we should—
Tanner: Damn it, Blaine! Sit down!
Matthew: God damn it, God damn it, Blaine!
Justin: Ah! Shut up!
Blaine: Okay, I vote no too.
Than: Okay, and I'm a yes, so let's see that's... oh.
Justin: We all just finished football practice, man. And smell terrible.
Matthew: And you, on the other hand, have just been hanging around the boys locker room, not doing much of anything.
Blaine: The only other person that does that is Coach Spitz.
(Coach Spitz appears out of a stall, laughing)
Coach Spitz: Carry on.
(The football team removes their towels and begin to walk towards the showers)
Than: One last question.
(The team turns around)
Than: ...How come Matthew Deringer doesn't have a penis or testicles?
(The camera pans to the football team. Blaine, Tanner, and Justin have black censor bars covering their genitals. Matthew doesn't, revealing a lack of genitals)
Matthew: Oh god. Because I wasn't born with any, bro.
Tanner: Seriously offensive, Jonathan, you ask us this every week.
Than: Well, yeah, but... why-why doesn't he?
Justin: It's a congenital birth defect, dude.
Blaine: Don't be a dick, bro.
Matthew: Unbelievable.
(They leave for the showers as Than starts crying)
Than: It's reasons like this you don't have any friends, Jonathan, Reasons like this.
Matthew: Hey, man.
Than: Huh?
Matthew: Don't you dare look at our butts.
(Than begins to cry again)

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