Deandra: Ugh, seriously? Again? For the last time, no, I will not once again join your cheer squad to help you overcome whatever ridiculous situation you've gotten yourselves into in your relentless pursuit of popularity. Seriously, you guys can't keep coming to me every two weeks like this. I've got shit to do! They just opened an IHOP on 119th Street. That's seven continents worth of pancakes for me to discover! So if you don't mind, I will bid you adieu!
Brittnay: Alright well fine! Fuck off then! You know, we didn't need you anyway. Who's next on the list Trisha?
Trisha: Uh, looks like, uh, nobody.
Brittnay: What? That's it?
Trisha: Yes. And also this isn't so much a list as it is a piece of paper with Deandra's name on it.
Mackenzie: Yeah Brittnay, she's the only person in the school that we could come up with who would actually join the cheer squad and whom we didn't totally fucking hate.
Brittnay: Okay, so what do we do now? We can't have a cheer squad with just three people. We'll just look like three jackasses who happen to dress alike.
Trisha: Yeah, I have a hard enough time spelling Overland Park when I'm just in charge of one letter.
Mackenzie: Oh we're going to have a cheer squad! Being a cheerleader is the most important thing in my life, and I'll be goddamned if I have to give it all up before all these skills become completely useless at the age of nineteen.
Brittnay: Well then what do you suggest we do?
Mackenzie: You know what we have to do Brittnay.
Brittnay: No, no, fuck that! Fuck that right in its ass!
Trisha: Uh, I'm sorry, fuck what in the ass?
Mackenzie: They're the only ones that'll join, Brittnay. We all have to make a sacrifice.
Trisha: Who're the only ones?
Brittnay: No way! I would rather fucking light myself on fire than ask her!
Mackenzie: Well, then grab a fucking match Brittnay, because unless you want to trade in these cheer outfits for high-waisted pants, and thrift store t-shirts, you better sack up and take one for the team.
Trisha: Wait, what are we doing with our sacks?
Brittnay: Fuck me! Fine!
Mackenzie: Alright, all three of us need to go out and get a new member for this squad. Each of you knows who you need to get.
Trisha: Wait, wait, can you guys hear me? Mackenzie, Brittnay, Mackenzie, Brittnay? Hello? Oh my god, Mackenzie, Brittnay, Brittnay, Mackenzie? Ugh!
Mackenzie: Trisha, what the fuck?
Trisha: Oh good, I'm sorry, I thought I'd turned into a ghost.
Brittnay: Ugh, God this is gonna suck... hey Saison!
Saison: Oh hello Brittnay, I was just on my way to my Algebra Two, how you say—
Brittnay: Uh huh, yeah I get it. Saison, do you want to be on the cheer squad?
Saison: Oh but Brittnay, I thought after Cheer Nationals, you seemed pretty, how you say, adamant that I was off of the team.
Brittnay: Oh, well, I don't know that I would say adamant.
Saison: Oh Brittnay, isn't it great that we won! I am having so much fun being a cheerleader with you!
Brittnay: Hey Saison, can I see your cheer uniform real quick?
Saison: Oh yes of course!
(Brittnay lights her uniform on fire)
Saison: Oh, I suppose that this means I am how you say, off the team?
Brittnay: Fucking a-right you are.
Saison: Okay, well, I will see you on the airplane. I believe we are sitting next to each other!
Brittnay: Oh really? Let me see your ticket. (drops ticket in fire)
Brittnay: Okay, well, things have changed, a spot opened up and you already know the cheers. Do you want the spot, yes or no?
Saison: How do you say, yes?
Brittnay: Okay, yeah, that's exactly how you say "yes". So great, I'm going to go ahead and go, how do you say, kill myself.
Saison: Oh Brittnay, you know how to say it!
Brittnay: Are you fucking serious right now? You know what, fine. I'll see you at practice.
Mackenzie: Okay Mackenzie, you can do this. It's not that big of a deal. Just one little question. One little question. You're gonna do this. You're gonna save the cheer squad! Rescue the school. And then move on with your life. Not a big deal. Alright.
Shay: Oh Mackenzie Zales, what on earth are you doing in my bathroom?
Mackenzie: I'm here to ask you something, Shay.
Shay: Well, if you want a visitor's pass, it takes at least a week to process. And let me tell you, you will not be approved.
Mackenzie: No, Shay it's not about this fucking bathroom. Or the center lunch table. Or—or even a key to the faculty lounge!
Shay: You have a key to the faculty lounge?
Mackenzie: No, but if I did, I wouldn't tell you.
Shay: Well then what do you want, I'm kind of busy looking at myself here.
Mackenzie: I would like to ask you—I wanted to know if you—
Shay: Jesus, are you gonna puke?
Mackenzie: No, I just, I just wanted to know if you—I came to ask if—
Shay: If you're gonna puke, just go in the stall and puke. Fine, your pass is approved!
Mackenzie: I'm not gonna puke, ok. I just came in here to ask if you wanted to join the cheer squad.
Mackenzie: I said—
Shay: Hold on. Okay, go ahead. What were you gonna ask me?
Mackenzie: Are you videotaping me right now?
Shay: No, no this is something else. Go ahead.
Mackenzie: Shay, I can see the light.
Shay: No, no, it's, I'm texting my mom. That's the texting light. It's new on the Galaxy.
Mackenzie: Shay, will you just say yes or no and make this easy?
Shay: Make this easy? Mackenzie, why the fuck would you suddenly want me on your cheer squad? Me, the girl you've hated all these years.
Mackenzie: Well, because now, I've encountered something I hate even more than you Shay Van Buren. Hipsters.
Mackenzie: Yeah, like that little girl that beat your sister for Little Miss Overland Park.
Shay: Jesus, Mackenzie, she's not even gonna be in high school for another six years. Relax.
Mackenzie: No! Not that particular hipster specifically. I mean hipsters, in general. They're here at this school, now.
Shay: So, why do I care?
Mackenzie: Do you think hipsters see a difference between popular girls that are on a cheer squad and popular girls that came from rich, successful families? We're all the same to them. Hot girls that everybody wants to be around and they can't fucking stand it! You don't like me and I sure as fuck don't like you, but if you and I don't join forces here, we won't be fighting over who's the most popular girl in school, we'll be fighting over, I don't know, something losers fight over.
Shay: Hmmm... finally, head cheerleader.
Mackenzie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, back the crazy train up. Who the fuck said anything about you being the head cheerleader?
Shay: What, you didn't think I was gonna just join your cheer squad just to be bossed around by the likes of you, did you?
Mackenzie: You know what Shay—
Shay: As far as I can tell, you need me. So if you want me on your squad, I get to be in charge.
Mackenzie: You can be in charge of sucking this DICK! You know, you Van Burens have your heads so far up your own fucking asses, I can't tell where your bullshit ends and your stupid fucking pigtails begin.
Shay: Well, I guess we're done here then.
Mackenzie: I guess we are!
Shay: Enjoy wearing that uniform while you can Mackenzie. I'm sure it'll make a great Halloween costume next year.
Shay: What? What was that?
Mackenzie: You can be head cheerleader.
Shay: I'm sorry, again? Say it again? What was that?
Mackenzie: You can be head cheerleader.
Shay: What? In the other ear? You know, you know, I'm deaf in my right ear from third grade when I got hit with a hackey sack. What was that?
Mackenzie: You can be head cheerleader.
Shay: Oh great, okay, well, I'll see you out there. Now if you don't mind, I've got some looking and staring to do, you know, new head cheerleader. She looks great.
Trisha: Okay, Trisha, alright, you can do this. Just breathe. Okay, oh god, alright, here we go. (rings doorbell) Hi, um, I know you're probably not expecting to see me here, but I was wondering... um... how would you like to be a cheerleader again?
Trisha 2: Sure! Sounds great!
Trisha: Oh wow, I don't why I was so worried about this.
Trisha 2: Wanna come in?
Trisha: Yeah, sure.
Trisha 2: Mom! We're going to need more mac and cheese!