Amberlynn: Wow, so you guys have really become the new popular kids on the block. Everybody's talking about going down to Scooter's Coffee House and hanging out with Jenna and the gang.
Jenna Darabond: Yeah, well, I think people are just getting bored of the same old same old you know. It's 2014, high school doesn't have to be all about what sport you play, or how pretty the other cheerleaders think you are. It can be about more important things, you know, things that actually matter to society.
Jenna Dapananian: Um, hey Jenna, I was just wondering, um what filter should I use for this Instagram?
Jenna Darabond: What's it a picture of?
Jenna Dapananian: Oh, the barista made a feather out of the foam in my latte.
Jenna Darabond: Let me see. Yeah, that's a Lo-Fi. No, you know what, go with Mayfair.
Jenna Dapananian: Hashtag nailed it! Hashtag no filter.
Jenna Darabond: So, any more questions?
Amberlynn: Oh no, I think I've got everything I need for a really great story. The article should be out in about a week. Do you usually read The Overland Park Gazette?
Jenna Darabond: Oh no, I mostly just stick to blogs.
Amberlynn: Oh really? Which ones?
Jenna Darabond: You've probably never heard of them.
Amberlynn: Okay well, I really appreciate you taking the time to sit down with me. It was so sweet of you. I hope that the rest of your day is filled with pixie wishes and unicorn hugs!
Jenna Darabond: Ah, thanks! Have a great rest of your day too Amberlynn!
Amberlynn: (singing) Do you want to build a snowman?
Jenna Darabond: God, that girl is such a fucking bitch.
Jenna Dapananian: Really? I think she's kind of nice.
Jenna Darabond: Trust me, Jenna, I can just tell about these things.
Jenna Dapananian: Oh, alright. Hey quick question, are we dating?
Jenna Darabond: Jenna, what are you talking about?
Jenna Dapananian: Well, because, like you like girls and boys, right?
Jenna Darabond: Yeah.
Jenna Dapananian: Well, I'm a girl and we hang out all the time.
Jenna Darabond: Yeah.
Jenna Dapananaian: So are we like, dating? Is this like a date right now?
Jenna Darabond: No Jenna, we're just friends.
Jenna Dapananian: Cause I mean, don't get me wrong, if you want to like have some wine coolers at a party and like make out a little bit I am more than willing to-
Jenna Darabond: Don't worry Jenna, you're not my type.
Jenna Dapananian: I'm not? Oh, okay cool, that's fine. Just one more question?
Jenna Darabond: What?
Jenna Dapananian: Do you, um, do you want to go make out in the bathroom for a little bit?
Jenna Darabond: No Jenna.
Jenna Dapananian: Oh okay cool, yeah I just, just wanted to make sure.
Rachel: Hey Sorkin, go write your screenplay somewhere else.
Judith: Yeah you're in her seat.
Rachel: Fucking newb.
Judith: Hey JD, I think this place is getting a little too mainstream. It's time to find a new spot in the OP.
Rachel: Yeah, just give the wi-fi password away why don't you?
Jenna Darabond: Oh don't worry girls, I've already been scouting out new spots. There's this place just outside of town that hasn't changed their coffee filter in six years!
Jenna Dapananian, Rachel, and Judith: Oooh!
Judith: I'm there!
Than: Oh hey guys! Where's Justin?
Jenna Darabond: Oh he's on his way, he should be here in about four minutes.
Than: Cool, so uh, you guys catch the football game last night?
Jenna Darabond: Football? Ew no.
Jenna Dapananian: Why, did you go to the game last night?
Than: Go to it? I was it! I got three sacks. And I also tackled the quarterback like a shitload of times!
Jenna Darabond: Than, since when are you on the football team?
Than: Ever since that idiot Justin quit! He'll tell you all about it when he gets here in about three and a half minutes.
Jenna Dapananian: Than, Justin quit so he could hang out with us.
Than: Well, that's dumb. I'm on the team and I'm hanging out with you right now.
Jenna Darabond: Yeah, but we're not gonna hang out with you anymore if you're on the football team.
Jenna Dapananian: Yeah, why do you even like football anyways? It's so... 90's.
Than: Why do I like it? You know all those fantasies I have about holding men down against their will for long periods of time?
Jenna Darabond: No.
Than: Oh, well, trust me, they're there. And that's pretty much the entire concept that the game of football is based on. It's like a two and a half hour game of hug and hit and the more guys you jump on top of, the more butt slaps you get!
Jenna Darabond: Than, we don't do football here.
Than: What, why not? You guys got butts.
Rachel: Fucking jock boy over here doesn't get it.
Judith: Jeez man, start drinking decaf. Rex! One more peppermint mocha coolachino! Pronto!
Jenna Darabond: Than, football's too mainstream. You're one of us, aren't you?
Than: No yeah totally. I've just I uh, I've always wanted to play football. Ever since I was a little kid tied up in a closet.
Jenna Dapananian: What? Oh my God, your parents tied you up in a closet?
Than: What? No! It was a fun game I played with myself. You guys never played Night Mummy?
Jenna Darabond: Than, me and you are a lot alike right?
Than: Yeah, totally.
Jenna Darabond: Yeah, we get each other, right?
Than: Yeah, of course.
Jenna Darabond: We date guys, we date girls-
Than: We date guys.
Jenna Darabond: Yeah, I know said that.
Than: Yeah, I'm just, I'm just participating, alright.
Jenna Darabond: When you're hanging out with us, Than, you can do whatever you want. You don't have to play by anyone's rules. What about the football team? Do they make you play by anyone's rules?
Than: Oh yeah, they've got lots of rules! Like when you tackle a guy, you cannot make out with him. Even if you ask him first! What?
Jenna Darabond: See? Here you can make out with anyone you want. We're not here to judge you, we're not here to tell you what to do, whoever you want to make out with, you make out with.
Jenna Dapananian: Yeah, you want to make out with me?
Jenna Dapananian: Ugh! God, why doesn't anyone want to make out with me?
Jenna Darabond: Freedom, Than. That's what we offer here. That's why Justin left the team. He'll tell you all about it when he gets here in about thirty seconds.
Than: Yeah, you're right, I'm Than, I don't follow anyone's rules! I'm gonna do exactly what you just told me to do!
Jenna Darabond: Good for you Than. That's what we like to hear!
Than: You know, it's too bad, I know I belong here with you guys, but I was starting to feel like I belonged there too. Aw fuck 'em. This whole no showering thing was bullshit anyways. I'm gonna go get a cappuccino. You know, what and a cake pop! I'm Than! I fucking deserve it! Oh hey Justin!