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Episode 48/Transcript

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Ep48
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 48. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 47 Next: Episode 49

Mackenzie: Alright everybody, we all know why we're here. The hipsters have thrown down the gauntlet, and now we need revenge. We need a plan to fuck with the hipsters. We need to throw them off their game, figure out a way to really jack them up. Now who's got some—
Shay: (clears throat) Mackenzie, don't you think I should be leading this meeting?
Mackenzie: Ugh, fine Shay. Go ahead.
Shay: Alright everybody, we all know why we're here. The hipsters have thrown down the gauntlet, and now we need revenge. We need a plan to fuck with the hipsters. We need to throw them off their game, figure out a way to really jack them up. Now who's got some ideas?
Mackenzie: Is this ever gonna get old for you Shay?
Shay: No it is not.
Brittnay: I have a suggestion: How about you let me just punch Jenna Darabond in the fucking face? Hmm?
Shay: No Brittnay, if we do that, she'll just report us into the school and we'll all have one of those four hour parent-teacher conference things.
Mackenzie: Oh god, yeah, no, fuck that.
Trisha: Oooh, I have an idea! Okay, what if we start a Wikipedia page about her and then fill it filled with lies!
Trisha 2: Ooh yeah, like her dad grew up Protestant! Disaster!
Trisha: Oooooh! Look out, looks like somebody's backing up the burn train! Beep, beep—
Trisha and Trisha 2 —beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...
Mackenzie: Okay stop, stop, no, no! Stop it! Okay, first, that's a terrible idea. Secondly, that's not the sound a train makes when it backs up. That's clearly a truck, or like a forklift, I don't now.
Trisha: Oh, okay, you're absolutely right. Choo! Choo!
Trisha 2: Oh, no, no, no, it's backwards. So ooch, ooch—
Trisha and Trisha 2 —ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch...
Mackenzie: Please, for the love of god, stop!
Trisha 2: Okay! Well, I'm out of ideas!
Mackenzie: Yeah, of course you are.
Shay: What about this? We get a hold of all of their drinks, mix in some laxatives, they shit their brains out, everybody goes home happy.
Mackenzie: Shay, that's the exact same prank you pulled on us.
Shay: Yeah, and it worked didn't it?
Mackenzie: Well, we just can't do the same thing again, Shay. We need something original. We need something that'll really stick it to the hipsters, not the same old bullshit.
Shay: It's called a classic for a reason, Mackenzie.
Saison: Oooh, oooh, I have a how you say, idea.
Brittnay: Oh, let me guess, bullshit, bullshit, how do you say, something French, bullshit, bullshit, giggle, fart.
Saison: Oh, how do you say, oui. He he he he.
Katelynn: Wah ooh wah ooh! I'm a plane!
Mikayla: Can you keep it down? This New Yorker article about the declining value of the yen isn't going to read itself.
Katelynn: Do you want to play with me?
Mikayla: No, I thought you were coloring.
Katelynn: Oh yeah, I was. I've never eaten hard-shelled crayons before! Not bad!
Mikayla: Those were colored pencils!
Katelynn: You gotta get through the wood to get to the yummy crayon center.
Mikayla: That's it. I'm out!
Shay: What do you mean you're out?
Mikayla: I mean I'm done. This is fucking bullshit. Why do I have to take care of Hungry Hungry Seven Year Old while you guys are down here having all the fun?
Mackenzie: Mikayla, we're down here plotting various forms of revenge, not having fun.
Mikayla: Well that's my exact definition of fun!
Shay: Look Mikayla, Mackenzie is babysitting her sister for the weekend and somebody needs to keep an eye on her while we're down here working. Why don't you guys like I don't know, play Candy Land or something.
Trisha: Ooooohhhh!
Trisha 2: Lucky!
Mikayla: Fine! But I swear to God, if she starts eating my collection of smelly markers, I will not be responsible for the measures that I will have to take.
Katelynn: (off-screen) Hey! My tongue feels like splinters! Stop poking me, tongue!
Mackenzie: Alright, now where were we?
Trisha: Um, should somebody go up there and you know, like—
Trisha 2: Yeah, do they need any help, or—
Trisha: Yeah I mean they might—
Mackenzie: Trisha! We need all of our minds working on this! We need all of our brain power—you know what, go ahead and go.
Trisha: Yes!
Trisha 2: Pizza party!
Trisha: Yes! Om nom nom nom nom nom! My mouth's chewing but there's nothing in it.
Brittnay: I've got it. I know exactly what we need to do.
Mackenzie and Shay: What?
Brittnay: Light their cars on fire.
Mackenzie: Jesus, Brittnay, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Brittnay: Alright fine, we'll light one car on fire. One car, and they'll all get the hint.
Shay: Brittnay, lighting someone's car on fire is something Jenna would do.
Brittnay: Exactly! We can literally fight fire with fire!
Mackenzie: No, Brittnay that doesn't solve anything. I mean, what would you do if Jenna lit your car on fire?
Brittnay: I'd punch her in the face. One for lighting my car on fire. And two for stealing my idea.
Cameron: Alright, Shay, first things first, we need to find me a new older boyfriend, because I'm tired of dealing with these immature thirty-nine year olds and their stupid wives! And another thing—ahhhhh! What the fuck are you doing here? And what are you wearing? Oh my god I love it! Get the fuck out of my house! Are those matching skirts? What is happening?
Shay: Cameron, calm the fuck down. It's a long story, but to sum it all up, I'm head cheerleader now, and we're in the middle of a revenge-hatching strategy meeting.
Cameron: First of all congratulations, I always knew there was only a matter of time before you beat out those dirty fucking hookers and took your rightful place as the head of that shit squad.
Brittnay: Um, we're right fucking here.
Cameron: I stand by what I said. So Brittnay, um, you must be eating a lot of humble pie right now. It must be a nice change from all those dicks you're used to.
Shay: Cameron, don't mean to cut you off, but we're trying to figure out the best way to get back at a group of girls that have wronged us. You got any ideas?
Cameron: Well, have you tried lighting their cars on fire?
Brittnay: Thank you!
Trisha 2: Alright ladies, new dealer on the floor, don't forget the rules of the house: no take-backsies, no peeksies, no flip-flopsies, one eyed queens run the table, twos play for both sides, buyback's twenty percent, and as always, keep your eyes to yourselvesies. I'm talking to you Cappelletti.
Trisha: Hm.
Trisha 2: Okay, let's get started. Do you have any 8's?
Mikayla: Go fish.
Trisha: Alright, do you have a queen?
Katelynn: I do! In my belly!
Trisha: What?
Trisha 2: Huh?
Mikayla: She ate them! She ate the cards again! She's just gonna keep eating the cards if we keep giving them to her!
Katelynn: I love the taste of fish!
Shay: Oh my God! You guys I got it! Let's get the football team to make a bet that they can turn Jenna Darabond into the prom queen. Then after she's reinvented herself and become all popular and beautiful, it's revealed to her that the man whom she'd fallen in love with was simply using her as a pawn and it ends with her yelling, "I was a bet! I was a fucking bet!"
Mackenzie: Shay, that's literally just the plot of She's All That.
Shay: Okay, okay, fair enough, fair enough. What about this? We're the popular girls in school and we befriend her and give her a makeover and convince her that she's just as popular as us. Then we make a burn book that holds all the lies and gossip and insults that anyone's ever said in the history of our school and we blame it on her!
Brittnay: Mean Girls! Mean Girls! You're doing Mean Girls.
Shay: Alright, alright, fine, you saw that one too. How about this? We all get detention together.
Mikayla: I mean, I'm all for fiscal responsibility. I just don't think that Obama has what it takes to teach those guys on Wall Street a lesson, you know?
Trisha: I'm not allowed to have allowance anymore because I kept spending it all on Bubble Tape.
Mikayla: Okay...
Trisha: Would... would... would you like some Bubble Tape?
Katelynn: Here's my rule for eating crayons: red before blue, very happy poo, blue before red, you're gonna have to go to the emergency room.
Trisha 2: Ahhh! What about smelly markers?
Katelynn: Oh, come on, we're too old for that. That's a four year old's game.
Trisha 2: God, I have so much to learn from you.
Shay: —I don't want your life!
Mackenzie: Shay, please sit down.
Shay: Alright, fine.
Mackenzie: Okay, so we officially have nothing.
Cameron: (yawns) You guys are terrible at this.
Brittnay: Thanks for the constructive criticism Cameron.
Cameron: You're welcome.
Mackenzie: Why don't you offer an idea instead of just sitting here and bitching?
Cameron: Okay, so just to be sure, we're a no on car fires, correct?
Brittnay: Mackenzie?
Mackenzie: No! We're not lighting anyone's car on fire.
Cameron: Ok, ok, well, in that case, any time I encounter a skank who's trying to move in on my man—
Brittnay: By skank do you mean his wife?
Cameron: Uh no. By skank I mean any ho who's trying move in on my territory as top mistress. Anyway, what I always do is I go ahead and hook up with anyone and everyone that that ho has ever had any interest in. I find what they love, and then I shut them out.
Brittnay: Well, that's great advice if we're trying to be a whore, but it doesn't really help us.
Mackenzie: No, no that's it. This makes perfect sense. We'll shut them out.
Shay: Mackenzie, I know what you're thinking and I'm way ahead of you! We lure them into a house that we have previously booby-trapped—
Mackenzie: Shay we're not doing Home Alone!
Shay: You didn't let me finish! The house is in New York—
Brittnay: Home Alone 2!
Shay: Goddammit!

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