This is a transcribed copy of Episode 5. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 4 Next: Episode 6

(Saison walks over to Belinda)
Saison: Ah oui, I will take a toasted baguette with a selection of foie grais and a Perrier please.
Belinda: Saison Margeurite, I am going to reiterate a point that I make to you at least twice a week. All that we have is what is on the chalkboard behind me.
Saison: Ah yes of course. In that case I will have a glass of, how do you say, bordeaux and a crepe.
Belinda: I have French fries.
Saison: Yes, I suppose that will suffice yet again.
(Saison walks off)
Belinda: A fantastic choice... Next!
(Deandra walks up to Belinda)
Deandra: Hi Lunch Lady Belinda.
Belinda: Hello New Girl, how's your first week at Overland Park?
Deandra: It's fine, I guess. Can I get a hot dog?
Belinda: Anything else?
(As Deandra lists of items, Belinda moves back and forth to grab the lunch items)
Deandra: Um, let me get some tater tots. Oh, and also a slice of pepperoni pizza. And also a basket of jalapeno poppers. And some chicken nuggets. A ketchup boat, three potato pancakes, a creamsicle, two quesadillas, a bread loaf, side of ranch, some pixie stix, taco salad, order of ribs, Aaaaaand... a diet coke. No. A strawberry shake. No. Diet Coke. No. Both.
Belinda: That is gonna be one. Huge. Shit. Let me ring you up—
(Shay and Cameron walk on screen)
Shay: Hi Deandra.
Deandra: Hi Shay Van Buren.
Shay: This is my sister Cameron.
Deandra: Hey.
Cameron: Hey.
Deandra: I like your top.
Cameron: Forever 21.
Deandra: Shut up.
Cameron: True story.
Belinda: Oh, oh oh, hey Cameron.
(Belinda has a vision of Cameron in a heavenly light)
Cameron: Hey Lunch Lady Belinda, still giving people diarrhea for a living? Good job.
Belinda: (stuttering) Oh, Cammy. Um, new girl, you haven't paid yet.
Shay: Oh, don't worry, we'll take care of it.
Belinda: Okay, that'll be $57.28.
Cameron: (at the same time as Shay) What the fuck!
Shay: (at the same time as Cameron) Holy shit!
Mikayla: Don't worry, I've got this.
Deandra: What the fuck was that?
Mikayla: It was me, Mikayla Van Buren.
Deandra: Jesus Christ, is that a fucking Gremlin?
Mikayla: No. I'm a third grader.
Deandra: Whatever, just no one feed that fucking thing after midnight.
Shay: Mikayla, Dad gave you that card for emergencies only.
Cameron: Yeah, like buying cute underwear and paying for premium memberships to
Mikayla: Well this is an emergency! We're at war with the cheer squad and we need allies!
Cameron: Correction! Shay and I are at war with the cheer squad. You got sent home from school for infecting the entire third grade with lice.
Mikayla: That's not true.
Cameron: Oh really, because your teacher told me your head looks like the inside of a salt shaker.
Mikayla: Please don't tell mom! She's gonna shave my head like she did to Shay when she got lice in the third grade!
Shay: I told you never to talk about that! God!
Belinda: Um excuse me, I will cut a bitch if there is lice somewhere in my chili.
Cameron: Belinda, we're kind of in the middle of something right now, so if you could, you know, not.
Belinda: Oh, of course, Cameron. My apologies.
Mikayla: Teehee, the lice are tickling my hair!
Than: Hey, what's with the hold up in the front?
Shay: Shut the fuck up Jonathan Getslinhaumer!
Than: Hey, that's not my name!
Mikayla, Shay, and Cameron: Kill yourself.
Deandra: Is this gonna go on much longer? Because I have a basket of jalapeno poppers that are getting cold.
Cameron: Um, Deandra, as you may know, The Van Burens have been engaged in a blood feud with those DNA guzzling cheerleaders for years now. We would like to formally invite you...
Deandra: I'm in.
Shay: What? But you didn't even get to hear our pitch yet.
Deandra: Did your pitch involve you buying me a fifty-seven dollar lunch?
Mikayla: Yeah.
Deandra: Then I'm in.
Cameron: Great, okay, we'll make you an admin on our Facebook page, include you on the Google docs and start cc'ing you on all emails.
Belinda: Ooh, Cameron, Cameron, cc me too at
Cameron: You are totes creep.
(Saison walks in)
Saison: Wait, did someone say "crepe?"
(Everyone looks at each other)
Saison: Au revoir.
(Saison walks off)
Deandra: Can I go eat now? I'm pretty sure this potato pancake is ruined, this ketchup boat is all watery, and my creamsicles are melt—there is nobody here... where the fuck, god dammit.
(Deandra walks off)
Belinda: Next!
Judith: Um, yeah, hi, um, I was—I was wondering what kind of gluten free options you are offering today on the menu?
Nubbins: (on the intercom) Your attention please, the pep rally for the football team will begin in the gym in three minutes.
Judith: Oh no, not again.
(The football team runs in and knocks over Judith)
Football Team: State! State! State! State! State! State! Yeah! Wooo!
Judith: Ouch.

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