Clint: (voice-over) Live from Manhattan, Kansas, it's the 2014 Kansas State High School Football Championship! Today the Overland Park Grizzlies take on two-time defending state champion Shawnee Mission West led by Kansas State Player of the Year, Oisin McGrann! There will be sacks, there will be touchdowns, there will be a lot of guys in tight pants rubbing up against one another. It's all coming to you live on National Interscholastic Programming. Channel four-twenty-eight, the Nip!
Matthew: Gentlemen, we've come a long way. Today is the day. Today's the day that we show everyone that Overland Park is the best damn football team in the entire state of Kansas!
Deandra, Than, Tanner, and Blaine: Yeah!
Matthew: Today we show everyone that Overland Park backs down from no man!
Deandra, Than, Tanner, and Blaine: Yeah!
Matthew: And today we show everyone—
Than: Our dicks!
Matthew: No, Than, goddammit. Nobody's showing nobody their dicks to anybody. Nobody to anybody dicks.
Than: Okay, I'm just saying, you know. Intimidation.
Matthew: No, today is the day that we show everyone—
Jenna Darabond: —that we are not some passing fad. That we are not just some silly trend. That we are the new standard for popularity. That what is cool is whatever the fuck we say it is! What's hip are the things that we say are hip! No matter how pretentious, mundane, or, let's be honest, not-that-great those things may be. Because remember you guys, we are—
Mackenzie: —a bunch of up-their-own-ass cuntholes who are about to crawl back up the thrift store bargain bin from whence they came! The moment is here, ladies. The moment we take back everything that was taken from us. It's time these hipsters finally get a taste of—
Matthew: —our dicks!
Deandra, Than, Tanner, and Blaine: Yeah!
Deandra: Uh, proverbially speaking, of course.
Matthew: Oh of course, of course.
Than: Ah! "Proverbially speaking, of course".
Matthew: Tanner, Blaine, with the three of us on offense, I know we can put real points up on that board. Now, Than, Deandra, we're gonna be counting on you to lead that defense against Oisin McGrann. And the rest of you forty-seven guys—well—I'm sure you're gonna have a good, you know, you're gonna do fine too.
Football Team: (off-screen) Yeah! Whoo! Fuck 'em up! Yeah, alright, woohoo, fuck 'em!
Matthew: Okay, okay, Kevin, come on now. Keep it together. Alright? One thing's for sure, tonight is going to be—
Jenna Darabond: A night of hot sweaty people dancing to alternative music and paying exorbitant amounts of money for overpriced water and organic deli sandwiches! A night that this entire state will remember as—
Mackenzie: The night that Overland Park Cheer Squad took back what was rightfully ours! Fuck the motherfucking hipsters—
Matthew: Fuck Oisin McGrann—
Jenna Darabond: And Fuck the Cheer Squad!
Mackenzie: Because tonight—
Matthew: Tonight—
Jenna Darabond: Tonight—
Matthew, Mackenzie, and Jenna Darabond: —is our fucking night!
Tanner: Deandra, hey, come on, what's wrong?
Deandra: Oh no, it's just I've uh, I've got some nervous poops. Right before a big game, the ol' nervous poops, they always rear their ugly head.
Tanner: Oh, yeah, I get it. Well in that case, I'll leave you alone—
Deandra: Oh no please, please, I perform better with an audience.
Tanner: Um... okay.
Deandra: So Tanner, tell me, what's going on in your—
Tanner: Oh my God, Deandra, are you ok in there? It sounds awful.
Deandra: Oh yeah, oh yeah, you know, pretty standard stuff. You know, I had a lamb, feta and bologna gyro at the Greek truck outside. Ugh, I tell you what, bologna is not a food to be experimented with.
Tanner: Yeah, you know, thinking about it, I never really understood what bologna actually is.
Deandra: Nobody has! It's the great enigma of the meat world. Whatever it is, though, it's treating my colon like a 1950's housewife who just told her husband that maybe he's had one too many.
Tanner: Oh, Deandra, hey listen, I'm all for supporting your fellow teammates and all, but this is really rank. I'm gonna go.
Deandra: Ub, yup, here we go, and I think we're just about rounding lunch and coming into that afternoon run at Souplantation. And. That. Is. Why. You. Always. Chew. Croutons.
Tanner: Um, Deandra, are you almost—
Deandra: Yup, I think we're just about through the worst of it. Good Morning Vietnam! Hm, you know, French Onion soup looks exactly the same coming out as it does going in.
Tanner: Okay, can we get going? Please?
Deandra: Yup, let's do it to it, mister!
Tanner: Wait, Deandra, are you going to wash your hands?
Deandra: There's no time! Let's go!
Brittnay: Really Saison? You couldn't find a sitter for a couple of hours?
Saison: Oh no, Brittnay, everyone is at the, how do you say, concert? Plus, I thought that little Brittnay could spend some time getting to know her godmother.
Brittnay: For the last fucking time, I am not gonna be the godmother to your fucking goddamn piece of shit—wait, what did you name her?
Saison: Brittnay. Oh, wait, that is your name too. Brittnay. Yes. Same name, but different. But same.
Brittnay: You think that by inducting your half-Montrealean demon spawn into the sacred sorority of Brittnays, that you are going to force me to accept the role of godmother?
Saison: No, I just thought it was a pretty name.
Brittnay: I mean, it really is, it's kind of perfect, but—
Trisha 2: Hey... if there's an open godmother slot, I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. I love all those movies. I mean I could be there for her first birthday. Oh I wonder when she'll start walking. We should probably start interviewing pre-schools right away. They're really selective! We've gotta start a college fund. Oh, I hope she gets into an Ivy League School. Well, if she doesn't, as the godmother, I'll make them an offer they can't refuse. Oh but what if they do refuse it? Okay, well, let's see, in that case, I'll get my concigliere to take care of it. Well, I'm gonna need to get a concigliere first. Hey Trisha, what kind of concigliere skills do you have? Be honest.
Trisha: I mean, I'm good, I'm not great, though. I've got my shortcomings.
Trisha 2: Look out for me, you're my kid brother!
Trisha: Wait, um, what's going on?
Trisha 2: (kisses Trisha) I know it was you Trisha! You broke my heart. You broke my heart.
Trisha: I am so sorry. What, um, what did I do?
Shay: Okay, okay, let's get it together everybody.
Trisha 2: This is the business we have chosen!
Shay: Trisha!
Trisha 2: Saison, I am sorry, but I am going to have withdraw my name from the godmother race. I can't handle the stress!
Saison: Oh Brittnay, you know what that means...
Trisha 2: Unless I was a fairy godmother!
Brittnay: Dear God, this is my hell.
Trisha 2: Bibbidy bobbidy boo!
Jenna Darabond: Than! Psst. Psst.
Than: Oh! Hey Jenna, you coming to watch the football game?
Jenna Darabond: What? Than, no, gross. I just wanted to make sure you're ready to execute Operation Lose The Fucking Football Game.
Than: Yep, ready to execute the plan, lose the game, totally screw over the guys, have them completely hate me, then be accepted by you guys, and all of the hipsters take over the school. One minor adjustment though, what if I didn't lose the game and then none of that other stuff happens either?
Jenna Darabond: Than! Don't forget! They hate you! They're just pretending to like you. We're the ones who really accepted you. They're liars!
Than: Yeah, right, right, right. You know, they must be really good liars though. Alright, one question, I know I'm Brody in this whole Homeland scenario, but are you the CIA or are you the terrorists?
Jenna Darabond: Than, this isn't Homeland. We are the ones who accepted you when no one else would. We took you in and made you one of us. We're the only ones that truly care about you.
Than: Ah got it, you're definitely Abu Nazir. Alright great, let's do this.
Jenna Darabond: And Than, just in case you start having second thoughts, remember, everything goes well tonight, and you and I can start becoming much better friends. (kisses Than)
Than: Okay, you see, now I'm getting a real Claire Danes vibe from you. You know what, I gotta go get my corkboard.
Rachel: Alright, how's everybody doing out there?
Judith: You bitches ready for your first band?
Rachel: Alright, but first, uh, a quick announcement. If you are the owner of a Nissan Altima, license plate number J367WX8, uh, you left your windows rolled down and there's a laptop in the front seat.
Judith: Alright guys, have a good time tonight! Port-a-potties are over to the left, and don't forget to recycle those water bottles!
Rachel: Uh, we just got one more announcement, the owner of that Nissan, yeah, you've been robbed.
Judith: Alright guys, have fun out there! And now... Literally Dragons!
Than: Hey guys, what's going on?
Matthew: Oh just, uh, checking out the competition.
Than: Ah, which one's Oisin?
Tanner: Really?
Oisin: Hey, Nancyboys, why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer!
Than: Alright! I kinda figured you wouldn't be into that but, uh, nice!
Oisin: Ah, suck my dick!
Than: Oh yeah, why don't you come over here, pull down your pants, stick your dick in my mouth and say that to my face!
Tanner: Okay Than, come on, buddy.
Matthew: Yeah, Than, come on now, alright, let's, everybody, let's just go get warmed up.
Than: You're all talk! He's all talk!
Clint: Well ladies and gentlemen, welcome to lovely Bill Snyder Family Football Stadium in picturesque Manhattan, Kansas. Clint Tarpley, the voice of the Kansas High School Sports here, and we are just about ready for kickoff! And boy do we have a game for you today. Joining me in the booth is pro football hall of famer, the legendary Bert Hickey! Bert, great to have you here today!
Bert: Well, great to be here Clint. Where am I again?
Clint: You're at the Kansas State Football Championship, Bert!
Bert: Oh, okay.
Clint: And how does it feel?
Bert: Well, I just spent two weeks in a Venezuelan prison, so you know it feels pretty good to be any place where I don't have to carry around a spoon I've sharpened into a knife.
Clint: Oh, ho, ho, Bert, it is characters like you why I love working in public access! And speaking of access, let's go down to our sideline reporter, Caitlin Cameron! Caitlin, how're the teams looking?
Caitlin: Well, Clint, I couldn't tell you because I actually haven't been able to get into the stadium yet. There is a music festival that is absolutely raging out here in the parking lot. I tell you, literally, every person in Kansas is here.
Jenna Dapananian: Do, you wanna make out a little bit?
Caitlin: No! Clint, as you can see it is absolute pandemonium out here. I doubt anyone is actually watching us on TV because tonight, this is the place to be!
Clint: Well, Caitlin, thank you for that report! Bert, what do you think of that?
Bert: Well, I think those kids should be safe out there. You know, one night, you're having fun, roofying yourself just to see where the night'll take you, next thing you know, you're spoon-knifing your cellmate just for a pair of shower sandals. I'm sorry, Randall.
Clint: Well, it seems like that parking lot concert is up and raging, and here inside these two teams are chomping at the bit to get going! It promises to be one epic night! Let's go down to the field for the kickoff!
