(the commentators are shown)
Clint: And that's gonna take us down to the two-minute warning. What do you think about the action in the first half so far, Bert?
Bert: (wakes up) Wha, huh? Whoa, was I asleep?
Clint: Yes you most certainly were.
Bert: Sorry, I tend to fall asleep when I'm watching things I don't give a shit about. Was I talking in my sleep?
Clint: Eh, well, uh, maybe a little.
Clint: Christiansen is back to pass he's looking deep in the end zone and it's—
Bert: No, no Vasquez, I delivered all the drugs.
Clint: He hands the ball off to McGrann and he—
Bert: Hey! If I had your money, would I be half-naked in this brothel wearing kneepads?
Clint: And he's looking deep for Derringer, and it is—
Bert: Well you tell Blake Shelton to shove it up his asshole!
Bert: I didn't say anything too embarrassing, did I?
Clint: You sure did! Now, let's go down to our sideline reporter Caitlin Cameron, who's with some of our great fans. Caitlin.
Caitlin: Well, Clint, it seems that everyone in the state of Kansas is partaking in Hip-Chella-Stock-alooza outside in the parking lot. So there's really no one here. Back to you.
Shay: Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous. No one's even here.
Tristan: Hey, who the fuck are you calling no one, bitch? Hey Britt!
Mackenzie: Shay, do you want to sit here and bitch? Or do you want to fucking cheer? You're the one that wanted to be head cheerleader.
Shay: Fine, it's a good thing I'm getting paid for this.
Mackenzie: Uh, Shay, yeah we're definitely not getting paid for this.
Mackenzie: Yeah, who the fuck told you that?
Brittnay: Ha! Fucking idiot!
Shay: Fine. Give me an O!
Tristan: You got your O, you got your O!
Cheer Squad: Give me a V!
Tristan: No thanks, I enjoy P! Like penis! Get it? I'm adorable!
Shay: Ugh, goddammit.
Clint: Alright, well that's the end of the first half. With the game tied at fourteen, let's take a look at some of the highlights so far from today. Early action from the first quarter, as Shawnee Mission jumped out to a quick lead behind star running back McGrann. Here he barrels past a defender and puts the Vikings up 7 to nothing! Bert, you want to take the next one.
Bert: Uh yeah, the guy throws the ball to his friend. Then his friend does good. And then he lays down after a while.
Clint: Thank you Bert! Moving ahead, the Grizzlies would tie things up late in the first, as Deandra, the girl with the robotic arm, lays a heavy hit on Shawnee Quarterback Robbie Arrison causing a fumble that would be recovered in the end zone. Midway through the second quarter, Oisin McGrann answers the bell again taking a handoff straight up the middle for a sixty-two yard pickup and his second touchdown of the game! To add insult to injury, he then proceeds to jerk off in the general direction of the Overland Park bench. Just before the end of the half though, Overland Park would answer back one more time, as Christiansen finds his tailback, Matthew Derringer on a screen play that goes for nine yards and a score. We're at halftime of the Kansas State Championship with the score Shawnee Mission West fourteen, Overland Park fourteen!
Than: Oh man, finally! The Illuminati! You guys got my letter.
Rachel: Hello Than.
Jenna Dapananian: Hello Than.
Rachel: Uh Judith, Judith.
Judith: Oh. Oh yeah. I mean, heyyy.
Than: Oh, it's just you guys. Sweet cloaks. What's up?
Rachel: Oh we were just stopping by to make sure you were ready to do your job.
Judith: Yeah, Jenna would be awfully disappointed if you didn't follow through.
Than: Oh, is Jenna here?
Rachel: No Than, she's taking care of the concert.
Judith: Yeah, The Mario Brothers are having some issues with their cellist.
Rachel: It's getting pretty crazy out there man.
Jenna Dapananian: Yeah, but people are really nice though. This one guy gave me some brownies he made. They did not taste good.
Rachel: Jenna, did you eat the brownies that were being passed out at the concert?
Jenna Dapananian: Uh yeah, why?
Judith: Oh good lord. What did we say about the brownies people pass out at concerts?
Jenna Dapananian: Um, that they're probably laced with drugs.
Rachl: And what would happen if you ate them?
Jenna Dapananian: I would probably get super high.
Judith: And then what Jenna?
Jenna Dapananian: I would ruin everything.
Rachel: You would ruin everything!
Judith: How long ago did you eat 'em Jenna?
Jenna Dapananian: I don't know like, Lizard Thirty?
Rachel: Oh like, Lizard Thirty! Great, Judith, we're gonna have to take her to the medical tent.
Judith: Hey stop it, what are you doing?
Jenna Dapananian: Shhhh, I just want to feel the words coming out of your mouth. Like feel them.
Rachel: Oh wonderful, by now she's probably got two pounds of the weed in her stomach.
Jenna Dapananian: You guys, I'm so thirsty. I'm so thirsty.
Judith: Eh, sounds more like ecstasy if you ask me.
Rachel: Oh, ecstasy, great! It's fucking party time over here, huh, Jenna? Party party party. Yeah you fucking dummy.
Jenna Dapananian: I'm your cape!
Judith: Oh God, this is embarrassing.
Rachel: Okay, Than, it's go time.
Judith: Yeah don't fuck this up.
Rachel: You throw the game, the football team loses. You got it?
Than: Yeah, I got it.
Judith: Yeah don't make us come back here.
Rachel: You don't want us to have to come back here. Jenna! Jesus Christ, put your shirt back on you fucking bitch!
Jenna Dapananian: (running around in her underwear) Turn down for what?!
Than: Oh, uh, hey guys, I was just, uh, I just had to, uh, masturbate—I mean, um, no, actually, you know what, that works, masturbate!
Matthew: Alright, Than, welcome back. Please take a seat, okay. Preferably not next to me.
Deandra: Gentlemen, what is the key to winning?
Deandra: Uh, no, that is not correct.
Matthew: Hard work?
Deandra: No, God no, fuck no, Jesus.
Tanner: Athletic ability?
Deandra: What? No. Jesus Christ, everybody knows that the key to winning is a great halftime speech. All the greats, Emilio Estevez, Kurt Russell, Al Pacino, Denzel Washington, they all knew that championships are lost and won in that locker room at halftime. Now we've come a long way. At the beginning of this season, well, um, actually, I wasn't really on this team at the beginning of the season so I can't really comment on that. But now, look at us. We're an elite unit. We're going toe to toe with the two time state champions and we're giving 'em all they can take! Now look to your left and look to your right. Those aren't your teammates. Those are your brothers. Now look to the front, I'm your sister. Now look up. (they do) Haha, made you look. Now look forward again. There's no team on this planet that can beat us. The only team that can beat us is sitting right here in this locker room! There's a big scary guy out there they call Oisin McGrann. And he wants you to suck his dick! Are you gonna suck his dick?
Deandra: Are you gonna suck his dick?
Deandra: Are you gonna suck his dick?
Deandra: When you guys go out there, I want you to remember, nobody comes into our house and pushes us around, clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose, and ducks fly together!
Tanner: Hey Than, Than, Than, uh, what are you doing after the game?
Than: Oh, I don't know, maybe go see if I can't catch the end of O-Town.
Tanner: Well, uh, I was just thinking, me and Tristan and a couple of other guys were gonna go grab a bite at Houlihan's.
Than: Tanner, I get it. You're really cool and have friends. Jesus, you don't have to brag about it.
Tanner: No, whoa, Than, I think you're misunderstanding me. I was asking you if you wanted to come with us.
Than: What? Oh, oh, okay. Hey, what about if we lose?
Tanner: No big deal, if we lose, that's even more of a reason to want to hang out with the people I care most about in my life. I'll see you there buddy.
Than: Ah man. I'm Homelanding so bad right now. I've gotta throw the game for Jenna. But the guys actually want to be my friend. Ahhhh! What would Brody do? What would Brody do?
Damian: Excuse me.
Than: Yes Brody from Homeland? What? Wha-wha-what?