This is a transcribed copy of Episode 58. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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(Rachel and Judith come onto the stage)
Judith: Alright, let's hear it for—
Jenna Dapananian: Whoooooooo! Yeah! Awesome! You guys, look! What do I look like from up there?
Rachel: Where the fuck did everybody go?
Judith: Goddammit Rach, this is why I said I didn't want to do whip-its in the green room!
Rachel: Um, Jenna—?
Jenna Darabond: What the fuck? Stay here, I'll take care of this.
(at the football game)
Brittnay: Mackenzie, what the fuck is going on with all these cops?
Mackenzie: Oh Brittnay, I think you're gonna find the next five minutes very entertaining.
Trisha and Trisha 2: Ooh, puppet show! (gasps) Jinx!
Trisha: Double Jinx!
Trisha 2: Triple Jinx!
Trisha: (inhales) Quadruple jinx!
Trisha 2: Infinity jinx!
Mackenzie and Brittnay: Trisha!
Trisha and Trisha 2: Jinx! Hahahaha.
Trisha: We got em!
Trisha 2: They all have to buy us cokes.
Mackenzie: Oh hey Jenna!
Jenna Darabond: Mackenzie, why the fuck did everybody leave my concert to come watch some stupid football game?
Mackenzie: Oh, Jenna, (baby voice) are you upset because everyone realized that a football game is better than (harsh voice) some stupid bullshit hippy concert?! Well, if that upsets you, you're really not gonna like this! Sergeant!
Sergeant: Jenna Darabond, (handcuffs her) you are under arrest for the felony arson of the Glen Oaks Shopping Plaza in Atchison.
Jenna Darabond: What?
Sergeant: You have the right to remain silent—
Brittnay: Oh my god! (cackles) Suck it bitch! Suck it so hard!
Jenna Darabond: You can't prove that!
Mackenzie: Oh, actually I can. Deandra, would you mind coming over here for a minute?
Deandra: Oh hey what's up guys, I'm kind of in the middle of a big football game right now.
Mackenzie: You see, Deandra's robot arm also has a voice recorder. The other day, when we spoke by the locker rooms, I recorded this:
Deandra: (recording) Note to self: the homemade Doritos Locos Choco Taco experiment has failed once again. It appears that the cheese failed to congeal at a rate conducive to easy consumption and resulted in—
Deandra: (stammers incoherently) Those are confidential notes, those are confidential! Nobody try to steal those! Those are all copywritten! So you go ahead and try to steal them but you're gonna get—I'll see your ass in court.
Mackenzie: Okay, okay, hold on one sec.
Deandra: They're registered with the patent office.
Mackenzie: Yeah, we know, Deandra. Okay, here it is.
Jenna Darabond: (recording) I told him that I burned down the mall because I was jealous of you guys and I wanted him all to myself...
Sergeant: Well, that's all I needed to hear. You're going to go away for a long time, Miss Darabond.
Jenna Darabond: You think you've won, Mackenzie? My dad is a Senator! He'll take care of this!
Mackenzie: Oh, Jenna, did you not hear the news?
Jenna Darabond: What news? (Mackenzie plays a video on her phone)
Reporter: Breaking news out of Washington! Another sex scandal has rocked Congress. At the center of it all is the U.S. Senator from Kansas, Darren Darabond, who was caught today in an illicit affair with a 19 year old co-ed from Wichita State University. Darabond, who is married with a teenage daughter, apparently sent hundreds of lewd photos to the young woman via the social networking app Snapchat. Please be warned, these images are very graphic, including photos like these of his genitals. Moments ago, the Senator released the following statement from his office in Washington. "First, I would like it to be known that I was completely unaware that you could screengrab on Snapchat. I thought that was kind of the whole point of Snapchat. That being said, effective immediately, I will be resigning from office. I will also be leaving my wife and daughter and will be moving in with my one true love, Miss Cameron Van Buren". Okay and I understand that we are now going to go live out to Wichita State University, where the alleged mistress is holding a press conference from the Alpha Kappa Gamma Sorority House.
Cameron: If that loser thinks that I'm gonna a date a guy with no job, he is barking up the wrong tree. Because this cute puppy only eats wet food, not fucking kibble, if you know what I mean. (leaves the podium)
Reproters: Miss Van Buren! Miss Van Buren!
Mikayla: (at the podium) Uh, Miss Van Buren will no longer be taking any further questions. Thank you for joining us here today. (the video ends)
Jenna Darabond: Daddy?
Mackenzie: So I guess Daddy won't be pulling any strings to get you out of jail. You see Jenna, I told you that I would destroy everything that you held dear.
Jenna Darabond: What are you talking about, Mackenzie? You didn't have anything to do with that.
Mackenzie: Uh, Sergeant, would you mind if we have a minute alone?
Sergeant: Yeah, sure, why the hell not?
Mackenzie: You see Jenna, getting you arrested was the easy part. I knew that no matter what crime I pinned on you, your Senator father would be able to get you out of it. So I had to take care of him first. You see, I was the one that called his office and let him know about the Parent Teacher Conference.
(flashback to episode 50)
Darren: I got a call saying I was needed back home for an urgent matter concerning my daughter...
Mackenzie: Then I made sure that Cameron Van Buren would show up to the parent teacher conference as well.
(flashback to episode 51)
Shay: Ugh, Cameron, what are you doing here?
Mackenzie: Shay, I called her.
Mackenzie: And I knew once I got the two of them together, things would take care of themselves, because, well, Cameron is a whore—
Shay: Hey!
Mackenzie: And senators love whores.
Shay: Well, that's true.
Jenna Darabond: But wait, there's no way you could have known we were gonna have a parent teacher conference.
Mackenzie: Oh that's the part I think you're really gonna be impressed by Jenna. You see, when we all got together to figure out how to get back at you, Shay brought up the point that if Brittnay punched you in the face, we would all have to go to a parent teacher conference.
(flashback to episode 48)
Shay: She'll just report us into the school and we'll all have one of those four-hour parent teacher conference things.
Mackenzie: And Brittnay made it abundantly clear that she would be glad to punch you in the face if you blew up her car.
(flashback to episode 48)
Mackenzie: What would you do if Jenna lit your car on fire?
Brittnay: I'd punch her in the face!
Mackenzie: So, Brittnay's car gets blown up, she punches you in the face, I get my parent teacher conference, and your dad gets to make a nice new friend who he sends a bunch of dick pics to.
Jenna Darabond: Yeah, but I didn't blow up Brittnay's car!
Mackenzie: Oh I know, Jenna. ...I did.
Jenna Darabond: What?
Brittnay: What?!
Shay: What?
Mackenzie: Sergeant! She's all yours!
Jenna Darabond: What? No! Wait! Arrest her! She blew up a fucking car!
Sergeant: Oh yeah, you got a robotic arm confession to prove it? (takes Jenna away)
Brittnay: Mackenzie, what the fuck! You blew up my car?!
Mackenzie: Brittnay, I understand you might be upset, but trust me, I did what had to be done for the good of all of us. Your car was collateral damage. Suck it up. We got everything we wanted. Look at all these people, we're gonna get our school back, everything's gonna go back to normal, and tomorrow, you can be as pissed at me as you want.
Brittnay: You used me!
Mackenzie: I did what had to be done.
Clint: Alright, well it looks like they're finally getting Christiansen off the field here. Ooh, you hate to have that happen. Shawnee Mission, they're gonna have the ball with fifteen seconds left in a tie game for the state championship.
Tanner: Don't worry guys, I'm gonna be just fine.
Oisin: Yeah that's right! Get him off the field where he belongs!
Tristan: You're a monster!
Than: No no, Tristan, he's mine.
Jenna Darabond: Than, don't let me down! I'm counting on you!
Clint: Shawnee with the ball at the Overland Park nine yard line, so you expect to see them go to McGrann here. There's the snap, the give to McGrann, he's through the line, one man to beat, it's number sixty-nine, Getslinhaumer!
Oisin: Grrrr!!! Grrrr!!!
Than: Uh, uh.
Jenna: (flashback) I like you, Than. You don't seem to play by other people's rules.
Tanner: (flashback) Maybe after we win state, you and me, buddy, we'll end up becoming pretty good friends, huh?
Jenna: (flashback) We're the ones who really accepted you.
Damian: (flashback) Just follow your heart. You seem like a nice kid. You'll know what to do.
(Than tackles Oisin)
Deandra: I'll take that. Yoink!
Clint: Oh and it's picked up by Deandra the New Girl, and she's gonna take it all the way down to the Overland Park forty and the Grizzlies will have one shot here in regulation to win the championship. Meanwhile, McGrann and Getslinhaumer have not gotten up.
Oisin: Ooohhh!
Than: You feel that? Yeah, I'm inside you. That one's for Tanner!
Oisin: Ooooohhh!
Than: And that's one for me! See ya.
Blaine: Hey! We got the ball!
Tanner: Blaine, this all rides on you, you're gonna have to play quarterback.
Blaine: Oh okay! But, who's gonna play tight end?
Justin: Hey guys! You, uh, got room for one more?
Matthew: You bet we do, you beautiful son of a bitch! Let's go win one for Tanner!
Clint: So, it all comes down to this, Overland Park with two ticks of the clock left in the game with a second string quarterback under center. Here we go! Blaine takes the snap from under center, he drops back, every receiver is going long, he heaves up a prayer to Michaelson in the end zone, and it is...
Justin: Ahh! Oh! (catches the football)
Clint: (knocks Bert over) Caught! Caught! Overland Park wins! Overland Park wins! They are the new Kansas State football champions!
Deandra: We won!
Than: Oh my god I've never felt good in my life!
Everyone: Whoo! Oh my god!
Than: Yeah, we're winners!
Matthew: Well, hot diggity damn do!
Trisha: Oh, winners get all the kisses!
Saison: Blaine you were magnifique!
Blaine: Oh thanks Saison. You guys, we did it!
Matthew: Good to have you back home, Justin.
Justin: Good to be back!
Trisha 2: Most of you people are still new to me!
Tanner: You guys, we're state champions, we fuckin' did it!
Jenna Darabond: How could you do this Than? How could you betray me? I thought we had something.
Than: Sorry, I'm just having too much fun being friends with the guys. And quite frankly, you kiss like a girl.
Mackenzie: Ladies, we're the most popular girls in school! Again!
(A victory photo of the cheer squad and the football team is taken; notice that only Brittnay is not looking directly at the camera)
Brittnay: (crosses out Mackenzie's face in the victory picture with a permanent marker) I... am so... done.
(During The Stinger)
Officer: Darabond! You got a visitor!
Jenna Darabond: What? Who would want to visit me?
Tanya: So I hear you're the girl that burned down Atchison mall?
Jenna Darabond: Yeah, so?
Tanya: (stabs Jenna) I loved that mall.
Jenna Darabond: It's so... cold...