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Episode 59/Transcript

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Ep59
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 59. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 58 Next: Episode 60

Trisha: You okay Mackenzie?
Mackenzie: Oh yeah, just taking a moment to soak it all in. Think about it Trisha, this is the first time in months we've walked into this school without having some kind of competition to win, some kind of enemy to overcome, I mean Shay Van Buren is on the cheer squad.
Shay: Hell yeah I am. I'm the head cheerleader!
Mackenzie: All of our other enemies have been defeated and we've won literally every championship and competition there is to win. We can finally just sit back and enjoy these last two weeks of junior year.
Trisha 2: Yeah, I was wondering why I'm the only senior at your school.
Trisha: Oh yeah, our entire senior class got mono a couple months before you transferred.
Trisha 2: (gasps) The kissing disease?
Trisha: Yeah, a few weeks before prom this year. It was bad, like, like bad.
Mackenzie: You know what? It doesn't even matter, you guys, this year's seniors sucked anyways.
Shay: And apparently they were also very slutty.
Mackenzie: But none of that is important, let's just get through these next two weeks without anymore of this petty bullshit drama—Oh my—fuck me with my own fist!
Shay: What the fuck!
Mackenzie: Goddammit!
Saison: What is a, how do you say, "whore"?
Trisha: Oh, well that's nice.
Trisha 2: "I don't know really know you enough to properly pass judgment, but you're kind of annoying already, so for now let's just say you're on thin ice." Eh, I'll take it!
Shay: Now what the fuck is this about! Mackenzie I thought you said everything was cool!
Mackenzie: Everything is cool Shay! God, who the fuck could have done this?!
Trisha: Well to be fair, we have made a lot of enemies over the past year.
Shay: What this does remind me of? Mackenzie, does this feel familiar? Does this remind you of something?
Mackenzie: Oh, I'll tell you exactly what this reminds me of: the fact that this school fucking sucks, and everyone in it is the fucking worst and nobody here can let me have any happiness in my life for one single solitary motherfucking day!
Shay: Boy, I gotta tell ya, being on this cheer squad has not paid off in the way I thought it would.
Saison: Oh, whore! It says whore, like a prostitute! Oh... that... not nice.
Mackenzie: Trisha, go find Brittnay. Tell her what's going on. Shay, bring me everyone.
Shay: What do you mean everyone?
Mackenzie: EVERYONE!
Deandra: Alright Zales, I swear to God if you fuck me on this piece of pie, you're gonna regret it.
Mackenzie: Here, here is your fucking pie.
Deandra: Thank you very much. Proceed. Ah, key lime!
Mackenzie: Alright cuntholes, now I know some of the things I've done might have angered you in the past—
Judith: Like calling us cuntholes?
Mackenzie: Yes thank you Judith. But that does not mean we go around destroying other people's property!
Deandra: Oh you mean like arms? We don't go around destroying other people's arms?
Ashley: Or relationships?
Rachel: Or friends' lives?
Shay: Jesus alright, we get it, Mackenzie Zales fucking sucks. We're all in agreement there.
Everyone: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mackenzie: Thank you Shay.
Shay: You're welcome, bitch.
Mackenzie: So who the fuck smashed our lockers? Deandra?
Deandra: What the fuck! Why am I the most likely suspect? This is some fucking bullshit! Oh, okay, I can see why you would think that I did it. Makes sense, but no, it was not I.
Ashley: Wasn't me either because frankly, I don't give a fuck about you guys anymore.
Jenna Dapananian: Yeah, we're basically all pretty tired of your bullshit and while we're all glad your lockers all got fucked up, none of us had anything to do with it.
Judith: So why don't you go drink a nice tall glass of go fuck yourselves?
Mackenzie: How dare you! Brittnay—oh goddammit! Where the fuck are Brittnay and Trisha?! You guys had better watch what you say to me—
Rachel: Oh what are you gonna do Mackenzie?! Concoct an elaborate scheme to blackmail us and have us shipped off to prison where we can get shivved? I'm sorry your fucking locker got all smashed up, but thanks to you, my friend is starring in the next season of Orange is the New Black. "Oh I'm Mackenzie, it's slightly inconvenient for me to get to my chemistry book." She got fucking stabbed Mackenzie! You're over here bitching about a locker, while my friend Jenna's getting treated like a pincushion in the big house!
Cher Guy: C'mon everybody, we don't need this. We are leaving.
Shay: Alright well good talk everybody. I apologize for my shitty friend. We'll let you know how this all turns out. Biye!
Rachel: You don't get it, Mackenzie, do you?
Mackenzie: Goddammit Rachel, what do you want now?
Rachel: Doesn't this all seem just a little bit familiar, huh? Like this all happened before, a long time ago?
Mackenzie: Wait, you don't mean—
Rachel: Yeah, I mean. It's fucking back. Thanks to you Mackenzie. You went back on your word, didn't you? Didn't you? The evil that we all worked so hard to control, you've let it loose! You've brought it right back to our goddamn doorstep! So I hope it was worth it Mack! You've fucked us! You've fucked us all! Oh shit, was that the second bell? Was that the first bell or was that the second bell? You guys know? I gotta go! I gotta go. I gotta go. Judith, slow the fuck down! Jesus.
Shay: Wait a minute, she's not trying to say that this was—
Mackenzie: Oh goddammit. What the fuck have I done?
Trisha: Oh thank God, oh, Brittnay! Somebody destroyed all of our lockers and spray painted each one—
Brittnay: It was me Trisha.
Trisha: W-w-what?
Trisha: Mackenzie! Guess who destroyed our lockers!
Mackenzie: It was Brittnay.
Trisha: Wow, that's a really good guess.
Mackenzie: Trisha, listen very closely. Are you with Brittnay right now?
Trisha: Yeah!
Mackenzie: Trisha, Brittnay's really pissed off with us right now. She might be dangerous.
Brittnay: Motherfucker!
Trisha: You know, I think you might be right about that.
Brittnay: Is that Mackenzie?
Trisha: What? No, this, what? No, this is, um, uh, this is, uh, mom. I gotta go Mom. I'm in the girls' bathroom, and uh, I'm pooping. A lot. Please come save me. Bye mom!
Brittnay: Was that Mackenzie?
Trisha: What? No! That was, that was my mom. That was my mom calling me. Why would Mackenzie call me? Mackenzie never calls me. She texts. Never, no. Please don't kill me.
Brittnay: Trisha, I would never hurt you. You are my friend, and I have no reason to be mad at you.
Trisha: Oh good. Because Mackenzie thought that you were gonna—
Brittnay: Mackenzie Zales is dead to me!
Trisha: Oh...
Brittnay: Trisha, Mackenzie Zales is the lowest form of life that exists on this planet, and for the last eight years I have taken her shit and I am fucking done with it! She thinks she's so great with her cheer squad, her homecoming queen, her fucking modeling career—
Trisha: Actually, she's only a part-time model—
Brittnay: She's nothing! She's nothing but a worthless, backstabbing little cunt who has fucked me over for the last time! And if you ask me, you should get the fuck away from her before she fucks you too! Fucks you right in the ass.
Trisha: That doesn't sound fun.
Brittnay: Next time you see Mackenzie, tell her that she broke her word. And let her know that I'm coming for her, and for once I'm not gonna be the one that's getting fucked in their butthole.
Trisha: Well, looks like you've gotten yourself into a real pickle this time, haven't you Trisha? A real fine mess. On one hand, you've got your old friend Brittnay, who's been a true friend and always treated you fairly. On the other hand—
Mackenzie: Goddammit Trisha! Did you let her go?!
Trisha: Uh, yeah I did, but she was pretty angry. And she did tell me to tell you that she's coming for you, she's going to get her revenge, something about a butthole and that you broke your word. I didn't really get what she was talking about.
Shay: You wouldn't get it Trisha. You weren't there.
Trisha: Where was I not?
Mackenzie: You weren't there... in the third grade.

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