Brittnay: I don't know Mom! Why don't you give me a fucking break, ok? I had to break up with my boyfriend today. Yeah, because he likes fucking Gossip Girl more than Glee. God! Plus, I have a yeast infection. I don't know, mom, why don't you ask the bread loaf that's baking in my vagina? Get me some god damn Monistat! (Deandra walks over to Brittnay) Brittnay: Can I help you? Deandra: Probably not. Brittnay: What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Deandra: It means whatever the fuck you want it to mean. Brittnay: Listen, bitch, I don't know who the fuck you think you are, but— Deandra: I'm Deandra. I'm new. Brittnay: I don't give a fuck! Deandra: Oh really? Cuz it sure seems like you do! Brittnay: Well I don't! Deandra: Well good! Brittnay: Great! Deandra: Fantastic! Brittnay: Super! Deandra: Awesome! Brittnay: Great! Deandra: Great! (Trisha and Mackenzie walk on) Brittnay: Oh my God thank God you're here, this fucking slut— Mackenzie Zales: Not right now, Britt. Deandra, hi, Mackenzie Zales. I don't know if you remember me: head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part-time model. Deandra: Yeah. You cursed me out in the bathroom earlier today. Mackenzie: Oh my god, was that today? That seems like so long ago. Right Trisha? Trisha: Yeah, that was like, literally hours ago. Mackenie: You remember Trisha, right? Deandra: Not really. Trisha: Really? We talked, you pooped, I thought we had a connection. Deandra: Sorry, uh, nothing. Mackenzie: Allow me to introduce you to the co-head-vice captain of the Overland Park cheer squad, Brittnay Matthews. Deandra: Hey. Brittnay: Fuck off. Deandra: You're the handjob girl, right? Brittnay: What! Fucking Connor Devarnan! Mackenzie: Anyway, Deandra, I'm glad I ran into you here. We would like to offer you a spot on the Overland Park Cheer Squad. Brittnay: The fuck we would! Trisha: The megaphone and pompoms are spoken for, but you can either have a baton or the letter zero. Mackenzie: Um, that would be the letter O. Trisha: Oh. That—that makes a lot more sense. Brittnay: She can hold my fucking douche, okay, cause she's not on this fucking squad. Mackenzie: Brittnay! Sidebar! (Mackenzie and Brittnay walk slightly away) Brittnay: What the fuck is going on? Mackenzie: We are at war, Brittnay, and we need allies! Brittnay: Why was I not consulted about this? Mackenzie: Because you are the co-head-vice captain of the cheer squad! I am the head cheerleader! I have the last say on all personnel decisions. Got it? Brittnay: Got it. Mackenzie: Then fucking acting like it! Trisha: So, um, did you... did you hear about Tim Wallis's new car? It's a Fiat. Deandra: Oh. Cool. Trisha: We have new vending machines on campus. They take credit cards now. Deandra: That's great. Trisha: (quietly) Oh god damn it. Mackenzie: Deeeeaaandra— Brittnay: They would like to formally offer you a spot on the cheer squad. Deandra: I'm in. Trisha: Really? Deandra: Fuck no. You guys are assholes. Mackenzie: Deandra. On the fourth floor of Oak Park Mall, next to the Gymboree, there is a bathroom. A bathroom that is reserved for only the most elite of Overland Park's elite. Deandra: I've heard of such a bathroom. Mackenzie: Hey Trisha, how nice is it? Trisha: It's got potted plants, jumbo tampons, and a bidet for your vagina. Deandra: I want to poop there. Mackenzie: Join the cheer squad and the key is yours. Deandra: I'm in. Mackenzie: Congratulations. Jenna Dapananian will be contacting you regarding your uniform fitting. What size are you? Deandra: I'm a zero. Mackenzie: Me too! Trisha: Me too! Brittnay: Me too. (Deandra walks off) Brittnay: I swear to God, if this blows up in your face, you had better believe that I will take this megaphone and shove it up your ass! Mackenzie: Brittnay, that girl will be the key to us regaining control of the girls bathrooms. Brittnay: Wait, wait a minute, you lost control of the girls bathrooms? Where the fuck am I supposed to shit now? Trisha: Oh, you can go to Jack in the Box across the street. You have to buy something, but I like their tacos.