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Episode 67/Transcript

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Ep67
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 67. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 66 Next: Episode 68

Trisha: Uh, Mackenzie, is all this really necessary? I think maybe we're taking it a little too far with these guys.
Mercenary Cheerleader 1: Give me an A!
Trisha 2: You've got your A. You've got your A.
Mercenary Cheerleader 1: Wait! I don't have an A.
Mercenary Cheerleader 4: Give him an A! Give him an A!
Trisha 2: Ahhhh! A! Here! A! Take it!
Trisha: I mean, Brittnay's our friend. Do we really need these guys?
Mackenzie: Correction Trisha, Brittnay was our friend. Now she's the girl that's helping Shay Van Buren destroy me, and the entire cheer squad! Does that sound like a friend to you? Friends don't fuck over friends!
Trisha: But didn't you blow up her car?
Mackenzie: Yes Trisha, I blew up her goddamn car! I said I was sorry! What do you want from me?
Trisha 2: Um guys, a little help! This is not a pyramid! This is not a pyramid!
Mackenzie: Look, I've tried to make things right with Brittnay. But between the lockers, teaming up with Shay Van Buren, and now this video, she's left me with no choice. She's forced our hand Trisha. If that video gets shown at the party, then my life as we know it is over. And if my life is over, then so is the life of the entire cheer squad. So I'm doing what has to be done. Cheer Squad!
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: Yo!
Mercenary Cheerleader 4: What it do, baby boo?
Mackenzie: Alright, Trisha, Trisha, and I have to start getting ready for the end of the year party.
Trisha 2: I'm going as a squirrel!
Mackenzie: Trisha, it's not a costume party.
Trisha 2: Oh! Well in that case, I'm going to need to borrow a dress.
Mackenzie: That's fine. As for the rest of you, I have a very important mission. I need you to recover a highly sensitive video recording that was taken from me.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: And let me guess: this video is currently residing in a highly-guarded location.
Mackenzie: That it is. That video is currently in the possession of Brittnay Matthews. She's one of you: a mercenary cheerleader, hell-bent on my destruction. She is incredibly dangerous. But I need that video. Do you understand?
Mercenary Cheerleader 1: Oh yeah, we understand boss.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: What if she puts up a fight?
Mackenzie: Oh, she's gonna put up a fight! That's why I hired fucking four of you! Now, when you retrieve the video, I want it brought back directly to me so that I can make sure it never again sees the light of day. Any questions?
Mercenary Cheerleader 4: What's on the video?
Mackenzie: That's not important! All that matters is that that video is returned to me before the end of the year party tonight. Are there any other questions?
(All of the mercenary cheerleaders raise their hands)
Mackenzie: That aren't fucking stupid?
Trisha 2: Um... Ooh! Uh, oh, no.
Mackenzie: Good, go.
Shay: Oh my god, oh my god, this is gonna be so good! I like literally can't wait until I see the look on her face! Ahh, I feel like I'm six years old again on Christmas morning!
Brittnay: Yes Shay, now please just shut the fuck up.
Shay: Imagine what kind of face she's gonna make! Oh my god, what if she like cries? If she cries, I will fucking throw up.
Brittnay: Shay, please just shut up for five seconds.
Shay: Jesus Christ, what the fuck is your problem? You should be fucking thrilled. You're finally gonna get your fucking revenge.
Brittnay: I'll tell you what my problem is Shay. What the fuck is this doing in my room?
Saison: Bonjour!
Shay: What? She's my friend. You're my friend too. Remember? Enemy of my enemy is—
Brittnay: Shut the fuck up with that goddamn enemy of my enemy shit! Before the enemy of your enemy beats the fuck out of you.
Shay: You have a strange way of treating your friends, Brittnay.
Brittnay: You're not my friend, Shay. I just happen to hate you a little bit less than Mackenzie. But keep going down this road, and that'll change real quick!
Shay: Can we fucking go already?
Brittnay: Hold on, let me just do my hair. Alright, let's go dumbfucks.
Saison: Away we go!
Shay: You know, I always wondered how you did that.
Trisha 2: Ooh! It fits!
Mackenzie: Great.
Trisha 2: You know, I gotta hand it to you Mackenzie. You really care about your cheer squad.
Mackenzie: Thank you Trisha! God, it's been a while since somebody's actually said something nice to me.
Trisha 2: Yeah I mean, Brittnay used to be your best friend and now you're willing to put her in danger just to save your cheer squad. It's pretty impressive.
Mackenzie: Well no Trisha, it's not like she's in actual danger. They're just going to get that video, that's all.
Trisha 2: Yeah I don't know, they don't seem like the kind of cheerleaders who are afraid to hurt somebody. And well, if I know Brittnay, she's not gonna give up that video without a fight.
Mackenzie: You really think they'd hurt her?
Trisha 2: Well, I know I'm not that smart, but to me, seems like sending those guys after my best friend would be the dumbest fucking thing I've ever done. But like I said, I'm not that smart. I'm a real fucking idiot. But, I'm sure you know what you're doing.
Mackenzie: You know Trisha, you might not be as dumb as everyone thinks you are.
Trisha 2: (inhales marker fumes) What's that now? Whoo! Uh oh, here come the marker spins. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (falls)
Mackenzie: Oh Jesus. Just—you just lay there Trisha, okay, lay down!
Trisha 2: Hey, grape man!
Mackenzie: Oh Jesus. Hold on a second. (dials phone number)
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: Hello.
Mackenzie: Hey! I've been thinking about it, and I've decided to call off the mission.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: What?
Mackenzie: Yeah, but don't worry, you guys can keep the money. Just leave Brittnay alone. It's off!
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: Okay then, we're gonna go home. We're totally not gonna attack your friend and carry out the mission on our own.
Mackenzie: It sounds like you're being sarcastic. Are you being sarcastic?
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: What? No! We're totally just gonna head home, and not take that video.
Mackenzie: It sounds like you're doing that thing, you know, where you say you're not gonna do something even though it's painfully clear that you're still going to do it.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: Whaaaaat? No, no that's my English accent. We're gonna head home, not attack anyone, and we're totally not gonna steal that videotape. You have my word. (hangs up)
Mercenary Cheerleader 1: So... the mission's off?
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: No, believe it or not, I was being sarcastic. Clearly whatever's on that video must be pretty valuable. So if she doesn't want it, we'll take it for ourselves and sell it on the black market.
Mercenary Cheerleader 4: Yay! The mission is still on! I love missions! Alright, alright, we're going to do it!
Shay: So Mackenzie's all like "No, Shay, please! Please stay! And I'll give you anything you want." And I'm all like, "fucking save it bitch, I'm already rich and beautiful. Also, you have a giant fucking forehead".
Saison: Oh no you did not, girl!
Brittnay: (phone rings) Oh speak of the devil. (picks up phone) Hi Mackenzie, what the fuck do you want?
Mackenzie: Brittnay, before you say anything, there's something I have to tell you.
Brittnay: Better make it quick. We're on our way to the party. It's gonna be a real fuckin' blast.
Mackenzie: Okay look, I hired some mercenary cheerleaders to get that tape from you and Shay. But then I called it off, because I got a feeling they might be dangerous. I don't think they listened, though. They might still be coming after you.
Brittnay: Mackenzie, what the fuck are you talking about?
(gunshots)
Shay: What the fuck was that?
Brittnay: Mackenzie I've gotta go now. It looks like your friends are trying to kill us. Thanks for fucking me once again. We'll see you at the party, you stupid fucking bitch.
Saison: Oh no, no! Are we going to die?
Brittnay: What? No, Saison fucking relax.
Shay: No no, I'm too fucking young! I'm too fucking beautiful! I just had my hair colored like yesterday!
Brittnay: Shay, shut the fuck up! None of us are going to die! Because we are gonna make it to this fucking party. And I am getting my goddamn revenge. Let's dance motherfuckers!
Doctor: It was touch and go there for a while, but it looks like Miss Darabond is gonna pull through. She's a strong one. The angels are definitely looking over this one. (car rams through wall, running over Jenna) Time of death?
Shay: Oh my god, oh my oh God, oh my god!
Saison: Brittnay, what are we going to do?
Brittnay: The two of you stay put. I'll take care of this. Shay will you help calm down Saison?
Shay: Oh my god, oh my oh God, oh my oh God!
Brittnay: I swear to God, how come everywhere I go someone has to fuck up my goddamn car?
Shay: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...
Brittnay: Ah! (beats up mercenary cheerleader) Ah, it's about right. (cocks gun) Yippe-ki-yay...you stupid fucking cunt. Ah! (shoots at mercenary cheerleader)
Mercenary Cheerleader 1: Hey, powder-puff!
Brittnay: Oh, son of a bitch! Ahhhh! I just fucking did my hair! (shoots mercenary cheerleader full of bullets)
Mercenary Cheerleader 1: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Guys, guys, bullets hurt!
Mercenary Cheerleader 4: Where are you little blonde girl?
Brittnay: I want to pump you up!
Mercenary Cheerleader 4: Oh there you are with the ro—Oh biscuits!
Brittnay: Alright, who wants some? Pull the tampons out of your cunts and come at me bitch!
Saison: Eh, Brittnay...
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: Alright, little girl, playtime's over. Hand over the video or else your little French friend gets it...
Brittnay: Uh, she's not my friend.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: I thought you said you were best friends.
Saison: Oh oui, Brittnay is my best friend.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: She's saying you're best friends.
Brittnay: She's lying.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: Are you lying?
Saison: Oh, no, Brittnay is just playing one of her little games!
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: You playing a game with me?
Brittnay: No. Also, she's not French. She's from Montreal.
Mercenary Cheerleader 2: What? Alright, somebody had better start telling me—(Brittnay shoots him in the head)
Saison: Brittnay! You saved me! You are really my best friend!
Brittnay: Get in the fucking car.
Saison: Okay.
Shay: Holy fuck! Is that guy fuckin' dead?
Birttnay: I don't know, let's see. (shoots him twice) Yup, he's dead.
Shay: Oh my God, you've gotta be fucking kidding me. Mackenzie's lost her fucking mind.
Brittnay: No, no, she's just desperate. I was her only muscle. We forced her hand, so she had to hire outside help. She didn't know what she was getting into. You don't fuck around with mercenary cheerleaders. Besides, she tried to warn us these pussies were coming anyway.
Shay: So, what? You... still want to do this?
Saison: You're goddamn right I do. I want my revenge, and I want it now.

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