This is a transcribed copy of Episode 71. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Mackenzie: (Slurping sounds, puts down her drink) God, this summer blows dick.
Brittnay: Yeah, I feel like we’ve been on summer break for like a year.
Mackenzie: Seriously, it feels like fucking. Two. Years to me.
Brittnay: Yeah, it has been a fucking boring ass summer.
Trisha: I don’t know. It was fun working at The Malibu Sands last month.
Mackenzie: Hey, did you ever call that blonde guy back?
Brittnay: Who? Zack? Nah, he got back together with his fucking girlfriend.
Mackenzie: Well, he was old as fuck anyway.
Brittnay: (beat) Ugh! I am so bored!
Trisha: Well, I’m gonna go take a dip in the pool.
Mackenzie and Brittnay: Stay in the shallow end!
Trisha: (grumbling) I know!
(Mackenzie's phone rings)
Mackenzie: Who the fuck is this? (picks up) Hello, this is Mackenzie. Who the fuck are you?
Jeannie Halverstad: Hello Mackenzie, this is Jeanie Halverstad from The Halverstad Modeling Agency.
Mackenzie: Oh hello, yeah of course, um, hello Miss Halverstad. (giggles)
Jeannie: Mackenzie, I have a bit of an emergency, and I’m calling to see if you can help.
Brittnay: Mom! All the ice in our lemonade’s fucking melted!
Mackenzie: Brittnay! Shhhh! (normal voice) Um, yeah, Miss Halverstad, how can I help?
Jeannie: Well, I’m here at The Loreal International Junior Modeling Tournament. I’m sure you’ve heard of it.
Mackenzie: Oh, of course, who hasn’t heard of the LIJMT? (laughs nervously)
Jeannie: Good, well, I’m head coach of Team USA here and, hold on a second... Marissa! (throws coffee mug) Marissa! Matcha and green tea are not the fucking same thing you idiot duck lipped slag!! Anyway, I’m head coach of Team USA here and my entire squad has gone missing.
Mackenzie: Oh my god, that’s terrible.
Jeannie: Yeah, I’m fucked. I’m talking big black dick right in my ass fucked. So I’m calling every model I have in my contacts to see who can get over here in the next 48 hours to represent Team USA. I’ll tell you right now, the models who win receive a five year international modeling contract with Loreal. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, Mackenzie.
Mackenzie: (stands up) Oh my god--holy shit, Miss Halverstad! Yes! (spins around) Abso-fucking-lutely yes! Thank you so much. I won’t let you down.
Jeannie: Ok great, now listen. Do you have any friends who are attractive and have modeling experience?
Mackenzie: (looks at Brittnay) Uhhh... yeah.
Jeannie: Ok good, bring ‘em. I’m trying to find as many girls as I can, but God fucking hates me, so nobody can make the trip on such short notice.
Mackenzie: Oh wait, that’s right. Where is the tournament again? (Muffled sounds from Jeanie) Oh. My. God. We’ll be there. Girls, (throws phone out of the yard) we’re going to France!
Brittnay: (beat) What the fuck are you talking about?
Trisha: (Drowning sounds) Guys! (Drowning sounds)
Mackenzie: Oh Goddamit! (grabs a pool net)
Trisha: Help, Mackenzie I’m-(Drowning sounds)
Mackenzie: Here, Trisha! Grab this! Trisha! Grab the hoop!
Trisha: It’s not working!
Mackenzie: Goddamit!
Trisha: It’s not working!
Mackenzie: Trisha! Grab the fucking hoop!
Trisha: (Drowning sounds, then stops) Oh, I can stand up.
(The Cheer Squad is on a plane)
Brittnay: Goddamit, I can’t believe my fucking dad would only pay for coach.
Mackenzie: Oh whatever Brittnay, we’re just lucky we found a flight in a day.
Trisha 2: Yeah, thanks for inviting me on this trip you guys. Um, what exactly are we doing again?
Mackenzie: We’re going to France to join Team USA at the Loreal International Junior Modeling Tournament. I was told to bring any attractive friends I have, so I brought Brittnay and Trisha, and you get to come because Trisha gets nervous on planes.
Trisha: Um, I’m sorry, if we were meant to fly, we would’ve been born with wings. Think about it.
Brittnay: Alright, 28B. I swear to God, if this is a middle seat-
Shay: Oh, what the fuck?!
Mackenzie: No, God. Please, please, come on!
Cameron: Oh. My. God!
Mackenzie: No! Please! Please don’t do this to me!
Mikayla: What the fuck is she doing here?
(Baby crying)
Plane Mom: I’m sorry, could you watch your language?
Mikayla: Lady, you brought a baby on a plane. You’re the real monster here.
Plane Mom: (Disgusted)
Mackenzie: Shay, get the fuck off this plane right now.
Shay: Uh, I’m sorry Mackenzie. It’s the annual Van Buren Family Vacation. And we’re going to Paris. Why the fuck are you four bumrushers going to France?
Trisha 2: We’re going to represent Team USA-
Mackenzie: Shut up Trisha!
Cameron: Oh hey Brittnay! I thought they put your kind in the kennel underneath the plane. Or did Mackenzie finally get you registered as a service dog?
Brittnay: Hey Cameron... fuck you!
Jayna: Oh good, I’m glad you girls made some friends. Now if you don’t mind, Mommy is going to mix up a couple of Oxycontinentals for the flight. Oh Stewardess! A little help here.
Trisha: Ashley Katchadorian?
Ashley: Oh!
Trisha 2: You work here?
Ashley: Hey guys. Yeah, it’s part of a summer work program. I’m interning as a flight attendant.
Jayna: Um, Stewardess, hi! I have all these fabulous refreshments from the duty-free shop, and I just realized I have nothing to drink them with.
Ashley: Oh, so, uh, you need mixers.
Jayna: Ha ha ha, oh no. I need a cup.
Ashley: No problem ma’am.
Biggest one you’ve got please! Um, sil vous plait!
Mackenzie: Jesus Christ, it’s like fucking first period in here! This is literally my nightmare. I’m stuck on a ten hour flight with the goddamn Van Burens. Fuck!
Brittnay: C’mon, who gives a shit if Shay Van Buren’s here. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just enjoy the flight and-
Saison: Brittnay!
Brittnay: Oh no God, please, please, c’mon!
Saison: I did not know you girls were in the French Club!
Judith: They’re not!
Rachel: Yeah, you guys have to come to the orientation classes. You can’t just show up for the trip! Miss Belinda!
Deandra: I’m sorry they confiscated your dildo, Lunch Lady Belinda.
Belinda: What the fuck do they expect? I’m gonna hijack a plane with my goddamn vibrator? Now I got nothing to do for the next ten hours! Hey, uh, what, uh, kind of settings you got there on that thing?
Deandra: Oh uh hey hey hey girls over there! Hey! I know you! Did you guys, uh, you guys join French club for the free trip too?
Rachel: Actually, Deandra, some of us are genuinely interested in French culture. Not just trying to mooch off the school board for a free trip.
Deandra: God, I can see just how lonely your future is. It is sad, Rachel. It is gonna be so, so sad.
Mackenzie: You gotta be kidding me! Is there only one plane that goes to France?
Brittnay: Saison, if you’re French, then why are you in a club to learn about France?
Saison: Because I am a patriot! Plus, I get a free trip so I can show my baby
my how do you say “homeland”.
Brittnay: Oh really? I didn’t realize that the flight had a layover in fucking Alberta!
Saison: Oh Brittnay, you and your jokes! (Giggles) Au revoir!
Judith: Yeah, au revoir!
Rachel: Au revoir!
Brittnay: Oh you done fucked up now Saison! I am going to find out the truth once and for all over there and prove that you’re full of shit!
Mackenzie: Sit down, Brittnay! Jesus fuck, I feel like we’re taking a school bus to France.
Matthew: So then I tell them, it wasn’t the jello that I was jiggling! (Football Team laughs)
Students: Ugh!
Matthew: Oh well isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do?
Mackenzie: Oh no no no no no! You guys cannot come to France!
Blaine: But we have an exhibition game!
Brittnay: You have an exhibition game of American high school football in France?
Tanner: Yeah, it is kind of thin. But that’s what’s happening.
Matthew: Uh, we got an invitation in the mail from the French American Football Association. Very big in France.
Tanner: Yeah. Very big.
Matthew: Let’s not dig too deep into it. Let’s just go to Paris!
Tanner: Yeah, Paris!
Justin: And I don’t know if you guys heard, but I’m wearing hats now. So that’ll be kind of my thing from now on.
Matthew: Yeah, uh, Justin’s doing his hat thing now and we’re playing a football game in France that we were invited to play, and um…Trisha! Are you coming all the way out to Paris just to cheer me on?
Trisha: I uh, uh, don’t think so. Mackenzie?
Mackenzie: No.
Trisha: No I am not.
Pilot: Uh, this is your captain speaking. Everybody please find your seats.
Blaine: Hey Saison! Hey my baby!
Mackenzie: Good, now let’s get the fuck out of here.
Than: (off-camera) Hold that plane!
Mackenzie: Oh for fuck’s sakes!
Than: (Breathing heavily) Whoo! Oh thank God I made it! Whoo! Things got a little handsy at the TSA. Turns out you can not grab them back.
Mackenzie: Why Than? Why could you possibly be going to France right now?
Than: Oh uh, it’s um, it’s because of the uh, I’m I’m in the uh, I’m going to France because, uh…God, why the fuck am I going to… uh, uh, ha ha, it’s funny, it’s because, um, eh, fuck you guys, I get to be in this season too.
Mackenzie: Un-fucking-believable.
Ashley: Um, hey, so you guys are in an exit row.
Brittnay: Yeah, so?
Ashley: Well, I’m supposed to ask you in the event of an emergency, are you prepared to um, would you uh-
Trisha: Ashley Katchadourian, are you seriously asking me right now if I can watch the door?
Ashley: Uh yes. Yes I am.
Trisha: (Laughs maniacally) Yeah, of course.
Ashley: Oh ok.
Trisha 2: She seems nice.
Trisha: Oh she’s the best.
Trisha 2: Uh huh! You think we can hold our breath the whole flight?
Trisha: Let’s do it! (Holding their breath)
Trisha : Can we take a break for water? Can we take a water break?
Trisha 2: Yes! (they exhale)
Trisha: Oh my god, thank you so much!
Trisha 2: Whoo!
Than: Hey, so uh, you wanna join the Mile High Club?
Plane Mom: Ugh!
Than: You! Not the baby! I’m not talking to the baby. That would be... so inappropriate, right? (Plane Mom's baby starts crying) Oh no. But you, would you like to fuck me in the bathroom?
Mackenzie: Than, shut the fuck up!