Jeannie: Alright, Team USA, today’s the first day of competition. The first event’s going to be hand modeling: Blaine, Trisha, that’s your event. I’ll go see when we’re up.
Trisha: Don’t let me down you two!
Trisha 2: You got this!
Trisha: You're my rock.
Trisha 2: (holds hands with her) And you're... my roll.
Alright guys, let’s keep our heads in the game here!
Oh look girls, it’s Team USA.
Deandra: Hey, did you guys know they have a Chipotle in France?
[Laughing] My god! Is this your abrasive overeating American mascot? [Laughing] She’s disgusting.
Deandra: What the fuck did she just say?
Chloe: Oh! Zoe, do you see? Her mouth is so full!
It’s like a little garbage truck filled with teeth and pork!
Cameron: You bitches better watch the way that you’re talking. Because I got noooo problem fucking your dads and breaking up your family.
Sofia: Ugh, Juliette, Americans are so vulgar.
Deandra: You know, they’re right, guys. Let’s try to keep things polite. Hey, let me ask you girls something. You ever had a metal fist shoved up your cooter?
Zoe: What is a cooter?
Chloe: I do not know.
Brittnay: It’s what you are. A cunt.
Chloe and Zoe: (Gasps)
Now how about you get the fuck out of here before I have to start beating your ass?
Ah, there it is. Classic American threats of violence. You ladies are like school in summer. You have no class.
Than: Hey, I don’t know what you guys’ problem is with these girls, but I'm not just gonna stand here-
Sofia: Oh look girls, it’s an American man! Let me guess, you are an oversexed egomaniac who thinks he can fuck anything he wants.
Than: (beat) Well, ok, they kind of got me pegged guys, sorry, can’t help.
Cameron: You know what Britt, fuck this, I’ve been looking for a reason to slap a bitch around.
Jeannie: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the fuck is going on here?
Brittnay: Nothing, we’re just about to beat the shit out of these French cunts.
Jeannie: And get disqualified from the competition? Are you fucking nuts? Blaine, your round is starting. Juliette, outta here.
Goodbye for now, Team USA. Or as we say in France,
Cameron: Jesus Christ, stretch it out a bit longer. So annoying.
Mackenzie: Are you fucking serious?
Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to The 75th Annual Loreal International Junior Modeling Tournament.
Let’s get down to the stage for our first competition: Hand Modeling in the Men’s Division.
Up first we have a model from Brazil, Rafael Ronaldo.
Oh, that’s a really nice hand.
Yeah, that’s really nice.
Alright, and up next we have Bernard Moffat, from England.
Hm, that’s another nice hand.
Jesus Christ, all the hands look the same.
Yeah, how exactly do they even judge this?
And now we have the model up from Team USA...
Ooh it’s Blaine! It's Blaine!
Hm, that’s also a really nice hand.
Yes it is.
Ok, next up, we have Pierre Bonne, the French model.
Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!
How did I do?
You were great, Blaine.
Trisha, get ready, your round’s next!
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
C’mon, you got this!
I literally say to everybody that you have the best hands.
Yeah, hands and kneecaps, those are by far your best features.
Well, I do have pretty good kneecaps. Probably because I don’t bend my legs much. What if I screw it up?
Trisha 2: (slaps Trisha) Yah! Hey! Get it together! You're gonna do this! You're doing it for Trishas all over the world! (they look into a mirror) Especially the one right here.
You mean you?
No, no, I meant, I meant, you!
Oh wait, like…
I was looking like-
Wait, did I mean me?
I saw you-
And you saw it, now I’m looking and I’m
I’m inspiring you-
No, so, because it’s bouncing out of the
mirror and back at you
Well, but you’re throwing the inspiration,
so it would hit you
As well as me.
Final scores are in.
And winner of the men’s hand-modeling is- oh would you look at this: it’s a 10-way tie!
Every team got the exact same score.
I won! But I lost! But I won!
Alright, moving on to women’s hand modeling,
first up we have our model from Brazil.
I don’t know what else to say, that’s also a nice hand.
Goddamit, the same fucking thing’s gonna happen in the women’s round.
All the hands look the same!
I’ve got an idea.
Trisha, you’re not competing in this round!
Oh thank god!
Yeah, you were not ready.
Oh, thank you for being honest with me.
Hey, look at this person right here.
Is that me or you?
We need a unique hand.
What are you thinking?
Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV?
Deandra we need- Oh my god!
Uh, um, it smelled like that when I got in here. And it sounded like that when I got in here too.
Listen, Deandra we need you to compete in this round right now.
Uh, no-can-do you guys, the train’s only halfway outta the station if you know what I mean.
We always know what you mean, you sick fuck. Now pinch it off and get out here.
Ok... [straining sounds] Alright, now what was so important that I had to saw that log in half?
Alright, and now on for Team USA...
Wow, that is interesting!
What is that? Stainless steel?
I’ve gotta say, I like it!
Unprecedented in international competition.
Aw, fuck yeah, these French bitches are about to find out why America’s the best.
And the judges have their tallies.
The winner of hand modeling, women’s division-
Oh, there’s no surprise here, it’s Team USA!
Nice job, Deandra!
Yeah, way to go!
Now if you don’t mind, I have a train to catch.
That was fantastic!
And Mackenzie, that substitution was a stroke of genius! Here you go, the first glass of champagne is yours!
Uh uh, excuse me Miss Halverstad, point of order. The majority of us here are still just 17 years of age. You probably don’t want to get caught handing us alcohol.
Oh no, it’s ok Matthew.
The legal drinking age in France is 16.
Wait, are you saying that legally we’re allowed to drink alcohol here?
Yeah, of course.
Huh, that is interesting.
Drunk Team USA: (singing) Everywhere you look, everywhere you look, there's a face...
Shay: This is fucking bullshit. I could be a model. Look! I’m just as fucking hot as the rest of them.
Girl, listen, you gotta stop fucking looking at yourself through their eyes, and you gotta close your own eyes and then look at who you are on the inside.
You know who that is?
That’s a pretty lady!
Yeah, she’s hot as fuck!
What the fuck are you talking about?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Whoa, whoa ease up, Rach.
No, no this bitch got somethin to say! Fuckin’ let her speak up!
No, like, I just don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
Talkin’ ‘bout life, you mutt!
Sorry, Shay, Rachel can be a bit of an angry drunk.
The fuck is that supposed to mean?
Hey Mackenzie those two French dudes over there are fucking eyeballing us.
Let’s go over there.
Mackenzie: No thanks, Cameron, I want to keep sharp for tomorrow. We’ve got a lot of competition left. I just wish everyone wouldn’t be partying so hard.
Cameron: Mackenzie, lighten the fuck up man. We won today. We got this thing in the bag. So why don’t you fucking get the stick out of your ass so we can put those guys’ sticks in our pussies?
Mackenzie: Oh Jesus, Cameron.
Oh Jesus, Camer- Oh my god, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Better go wash it out with some cooooooock!
Chug! Chug! Chug!
Ha ha ha!
Oh wow, you know what I bet?
I bet chugging wine is much easier than chugging beer! Ok, next round’s on me! I’m getting wine!
I’ll go get it with you!
Hey Tanner, hey, look, I don’t know if this is the booze talking or Paris, or you know, I just, I’ve been meaning to tell you I have f-
Shhhh! Shhhh! Than, I know. I know that you have feelings for me.
What?! Who told you?! Oh my god, well, look, I had this whole speech about how you had a good-looking dick. I mean, I can still tell it to you if you wanna hear it.
No Than, Than, I appreciate it. I appreciate it. It’s like super flattering, but, I am monogamous with Tristan and I’m like totally in love and I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. Besides when I think about it, me and you are like such good friends and I just think we’re better off as friends.
We’re like friends.
Yeah, we’re like friends.
Hey, you ever like, jerked off a friend? Like in a friendly way? You ever just given like a friendly blowjob?
Shhh, shut up!
C’mon that’s like that’s funny.
Like let’s go get another drink.
Like let’s just go get another drink.
Just get another drink and talk about what exactly are the parameters of friendship.
Hey Saison, where’s your fucking baby, huh?
Oh, Blaine is taking care of her tonight.
Aw man, I made a mistake.
Oh really, I would’ve thought that you would leave her with your parents, seeing as how they’re right here in France, right?
Oh no, Brittnay, I could never inconvenience my parents like that.
Is that why? Or is it because they’re back in Ottawa, just fucking, aboot and soory, eh!
Oh Brittnay! Here we go again!
Brittnay: You listen to me Saison, I’m not going to leave this country until I prove once and for all that you are a fraud, you fucking, Where’s-Waldo-looking-little-skinny-ass bitch!
Saison: Oh Brittnay. I don’t think that will be happening, but who knows. Au revoir, my friend.
Brittnay: Oh we’ll see about that! Goddamit!
Why am I not wearing any pants?