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Ep8
This is a transcribed copy of Episode 8. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: Episode 7 Next: Episode 9

(Young versions of Brittnay, Mackenzie, and Shay are sitting in a sandbox)
Brittnay, Mackenzie, and Shay: School days, school days, dear old golden rule days—
(Rachel walks over)
Rachel: La la la, I love the O.C. so much!
Mackenzie: Oh my God, Rachel, did you see last night's episode?
Rachel: Of course Mackenzie. Brittnay came over to my house to watch it.
Brittnay: I cannot believe that Julie Cooper is having sex with her daughter's ex-boyfriend!
Mackenzie: I know! Right, Shay Van Buren?! (pan over to a crying Shay) Shay?
Brittnay: Oh my God, Shay Van Buren, are you ok?
Shay: I just—I just really miss my hair you guys.
Mackenzie: Hey it's only lice. It'll grow back.
Brittnay: Yeah, I still can't believe that your mom didn't know that they make a shampoo for lice.
Shay: She said this is easier, you know, she said she just gets really emotional when she's pregnant. And drunk. (beat) Do you think anyone will notice I'm bald?
Mackenzie: Hmm, no.
Rachel: Not at all.
Brittnay: You're fucking kidding right?
Mackenzie: Brittnay! Jesus Christ!
Brittnay: What?
Shay: My mom said it's about time people start feeling sorry for me. She said, if it keeps growing at its current rate, in two weeks I can have extensions.
Mackenzie: Oh, well, that's good.
Brittnay: Yeah, that'll seem totally natural.
(Matthew and Tanner walk over)
Matthew: Excuse me ladies. My friend Tanner and I were looking to round up some folks for a game of Red Rover, and/or Duck Duck Goose. Does that sound like something any of you might be interested in?
Mackenzie: Okay, you wanna know what, Matthew Derringer? You have the worst timing ever. We're kind of dealing with a situation here. I don't know if you've noticed, but one of us is bald.
Matthew: Oh. Well the last thing I want to do is offend any of you beautiful ladies. I feel terrible about this. I will walk away, and leave you in peace. Tanner, looks like we're playing Pokémon cards again.
Tanner: Sweet. I just got a new Charizard card.
(Tanner walks off)
Matthew: I look forward to seeing that.
(Matthew walks off)
Mackenzie: You guys! Are you, like, so excited for cheer tryouts today?
Brittnay: Oh my God, I have choreographed the most amazing routine set to the song "Tipsy" by Jae Kwon.
Shay: Oh, I love that song!
Mackenzie: I am getting super bendy, you guys. I can put my feet behind my head and look like a pretzel.
Rachel: I prepared a monologue!
Brittnay: But we all know that Shay Van Buren, you are going to blow all of us away!
Shay: Oh, you guys, I don't know...
Mackenzie: Please, Shay. You know you're gonna get head cheerleader.
Shay: You guys, I don't know, I don't know—
Brittnay: Come on, your sister Cameron was head cheerleader.
Rachel: Your mom, Mrs. Van Buren, was head cheerleader.
Mackenzie: Your great Aunt Ruth was head cheerleader.
Brittnay: Face it, Shay, you're gonna be our next head cheerleader for the next nine years.
Mackenzie: And I just want you to know, here and now, if I am given the opportunity, it will be an honor—an honor—to serve on your squad.
Brittnay: Ditto for me.
Rachel: And me as well!
Shay: We band of sisters! I love you guys!
Matthew: Alright, well look, this is some bullshit right here! Everybody knows that a Jigglypuff cannot be beaten by a Mechatoad!
Tanner: Sorry Matthew! Hand over your card.
Matthew: Like hell I will, you sing-songy son of a bitch! I paid five dollars for this card! Do you have any idea how many Yu-Gi-Oh packs I could have bought with five dollars!
Tanner: Matthew! Matthew, I won! Those are the rules!
Matthew: You won nothing, Christiansen.
Tanner: I won your card fair and square, so hand it over before I bitch slap the black out of you.
Matthew: Oh well now you did it. Now you've done and did it.
Tanner: Matthew, I won, now give me the card.
Matthew: Figure out how to speak, you're nine years old, god dammit!
Tanner: Listen. Listen up, Derringer.
Matthew: Not even close.
Tanner: Don't make fun of my speech impediment.
Matthew: Oh man. It's so hard not to. Tell me one more time to hand over my Pokemon card. Go ahead. Try me.
Tanner: Hand. It. Over.
Matthew: I now unleash upon you the full fury of my greatest weapon. My Ryan Cabrera Promotional Hacky-Sack. Derringerrrrr!!!!!
Shay: (singing) Everybody in the club getting tipsy—(The hacky sack hits her in the head) Aaah! Son of a bitch! Bastard! Aaah! Why me? Why me? Does God hate me? Oh Jesus Christ!
Brittnay: Oh my God! Shay are you ok?
Shay: What?
Mackenzie: She said, oh my God, Shay, are you ok?
Shay: What?
Brittnay: What the fuck is wrong with you?! Throwing hacky-sacks all around willy-nilly like this was the goddamned X-Games, Derringer!
(Brittnay begins beating Matthew up)
Matthew: Ow! Ow! Stop hitting me! Please! It was an accident! Ow! Ow, your little hands are like tiny hammers. Get off of my head!
Rachel: Shay Van Buren are you going to be able to go to cheer tryouts today?
Rachel: What? Fucking stand on the other side of me.
Mackenzie: I think you should go to the nurses' office.
Shay: But what about cheer tryouts?!
Mackenzie: Don't worry, I'm sure everything will work itself out just fine. (gasps) Was that the bell?
Shay: What? I didn't hear a fucking thing!
Mackenzie: (gasps) It's worse than we thought. Rachel! Brittnay! Let's go.
(Brittnay is seen making out with Matthew)
Mackenzie: Brittnay!
(Brittnay stops kissing Matthew)
Brittnay: Okay, one second! Listen, never throw a hacky sack on the playground again!
Matthew: Whatever the lady wants, the lady gets.
(Shay is seen in present day)
Shay: That day, Mackenzie Zales was named head cheerleader of the Meadow Lane Elementary Mustangs, a title which she has carried to this day. I am the first in my family to never carry the title of head cheerleader and because of her I never will. So to answer your question, Deandra, that is why I hate Mackenzie Zales so. Fucking. Much.
Deandra: Cool. Well, I don't want to be rude, but that story was very long, and much more involved than I originally thought it would be, and I've had to poop through most of it. So if you'll excuse me.
(Rachel is seen as a young child again in the sandbox)
Rachel: Oh, hello roly-poly. (Rachel is heard eating something)
Brittnay: Did you, ugh! Did you just eat a roly-poly?
Rachel: What? No, I—I—I—I—I just—I—
Brittnay: No. No. Okay, Rachel, no. We are no longer friends. Ever. Because you are fucking gross.
(Rachel starts crying)

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