"What Art Means, as explained by Lunch Lady Belinda" is a MPGIS App-exclusive blog post by Lunch Lady Belinda.
On: The Mona Lisa by Leonardo Da Vinci
As I stared into the depths of Mona Lisa's eyes, I knew she told a much deeper story. A Moan-a Lisa story if you will. And I knew I had to be the one to share it.
She whispered to me like a farmboy whispering that he wanted more than four lovers, and she told me the other works of art had something they wanted to say, too.
I have taken it upon myself to tell the deep, dark secrets of the most popular works of art.
Because we all have things inside of us. They may be uncomfortable and a little painful at first, but they fit nicely now. And they love to be there. THEY LOVE IT.
But it's time to come out. Then maybe go back in. Then come out again.
On: The Creation Of Adam by Michelangelo
I feel like I don't need to tell Adam's story. He doesn't need to shout it from the clouds because HE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.
All Adam has ever done is float around naked on a cloud, but eventually he got tired of touching himself. He knew there would be a much greater touch somewhere else...
...His father, perhaps?
Turns out, this is just God giving Adam a teasy little hand-to-hand job in preparation for later. Incest isn't the best, kids.
On: The Birth Of Venus by Sandro Botticelli
OH WHAT A WOMAN.
Here, Venus stands completely naked, ready to take whichever suitor she desires. She has one, two, no--THREE lovers begging for attention.
But she knows what I know. Sometimes your greatest lover is yourself.
So she grew her hair... the softest, silkiest hair in the world... to help caress herself.
Her biggest secret? She still lets them watch.
Yes. She. Does.
On: Girl With A Pearl Earring by Johannes Vermeer
She's a dirty one, this girl.
Look at the way she stares. She wants you to think she's innocent, she's shy, she's pure.
But underneath those layers of clothes she has a burning desire and you, YOU BELINDA, are the only one who can fill it.
She lures her lovers into the darkness, where she has her way with them. And then SHE KILLS THEM AND LEAVES THEM TO ROT ALONE IN THE DARK before she puts on her layers and finds her next lover to take.
On: American Gothic by Grant Wood
Ah, the classic tale of dominatrix wife and submissive husband -- a longtime favorite of mine, since childhood reality.
He was scared at first, but she persisted and pushed and pushed harder and told him that he was PATHETIC and WORTHLESS until he gave in. He knew all along he wanted it, but he was too afraid to surrender.
This painting was captured at the exact moment Mrs. Gothic's dildo had slipped fully into his ass. She is pleased, but she won't show it. He tenses his lips as to not scream with pleasure.
Fun fact: he kept the dildo in his ass for the entire nine hours it took to paint this portrait.
That's in the guide.